"Teddy's Song"

A year and a week ago, we found out we were expecting. After two years of hoping and heartbreak and miscarriage, I was so delighted! But I remember breathing a prayer on my way to church: “Lord, this baby belongs to you. Help me to hold this child with an open hand.” Exactly a week later I was going to get my first lesson:

That morning in church we sang a song, called “Behold Our God.” I had never heard it before, and to be honest, I wasn't a huge fan. It just takes me a while to process and connect to unfamiliar songs, so I remained unmoved. But we had a running playlist of the songs we sing in church so Kaja could learn them and participate in service, and I added it to the rotation.

Later that afternoon, I went to the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding. I was crushed. Time stopped and I couldn't see or hear or think anything besides “We're losing this baby, too.” I don't know how long I sat there, trying to breathe, but the first sound that made it past the ringing in my ears was the playlist running in the other room:

Who has held the oceans in His hands?
Who has numbered every grain of sand?
Kings and nations tremble at His voice
All creation rises to rejoice

Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!

Who has given counsel to the Lord?
Who can question any of His Words?
Who can teach the One who knows all things?
Who can fathom all His wondrous deeds?

Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!

You will reign forever...

The lyrics reference God's response to Job when he questions his suffering and loss. God reminds him that He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and sovereign over all things, and although things don't make sense to us, everything makes sense to Him, and this life is part of something so much bigger than we could ever comprehend. The reminder that our strong, wise, and loving God is in charge was exactly what I needed in that moment. Still devastated, but reassured.

I bled off-and-on for nearly a month, and every time the bleeding restarted, I thought “This is it, the miscarriage is finally starting.” But it never did, and baby kept growing healthy and strong!

That was only the beginning of our pregnancy scares, which included placenta previa (it moved just enough by the end of the pregnancy and never ruptured), exposure to Lymphocytic Choriomeningitis (which most likely would have killed or maimed the baby had I not already unknowingly built an immunity thanks to previous exposure to this rare virus), and a uterine rupture during an attempted VBAC (the OB caught it just in time, we had an emergency C-Section, and are both fine. In the OR, when I heard him point out where my old scar was tearing open, I realized how very narrowly we had escaped tragedy).

Throughout the pregnancy, this song kept popping up. It seemed that on the days I was most overwhelmed by the fear of losing another baby, I would inevitably hear it on the radio or we would sing it in church (at our old church, at a church we visited once, and even on the first Sunday we visited our new church). Sure enough, we even sang it on baby Teddy's first Sunday at church (I should say, the congregation sang. I held my baby tight and wept grateful tears into his soft, brown hair). This morning, a year after hearing the song for the first time, a year after my heart was shattered by what I thought was another miscarriage, I sat in service, rocking my baby boy, listening to my daughter singing next to me: “Behold our God, seated on His throne. Come let us adore Him...”

Our baby's middle name is a variant of John, which means “The Lord has been gracious to us” and He truly has.