The last time we attended the retreat (2 years ago), we took our then 5-month-old colicky daughter, and it was a nightmare. She didn't sleep well in her own bed, and the new environment had her freaked out like nobody's business. She screamed the whole 3.5 hour car ride up there, refused to sleep, and would cry unless I held her (and I had to be standing and rocking/bouncing, too. No sitting allowed). I spent the entire weekend holding a fussy baby, spending both nights in the glider rocking chair that Divine Providence placed in the living room of the house we were staying. Then she screamed all the way home, too. Not a refreshing time.
This year we decided NOT to take children! Kaja stayed with her grandparents, and the little guy we're hosting through Safe Families stayed with another host family for the weekend (they had hosted him before and were so excited to see this sweet baby again!). Poor Gordon had to work, so I was on my own for the Retreat. It was weird not having my family there, and I went through a little withdrawal, but after I got over the shakes, I determined to make the most of my time.
The speaker for the weekend was Peter Frey, a Crossorads alum. I was thinking of adjectives to describe his teaching, and I came up with "passionate" and "biblical." Then I looked at his website and realized I wasn't the only one who thought that (it's so true)! He had excellent things to say, and it was an incredible blessing not just to hear him teach, but also to reconnect a little bit with his wife, Mary, who is pretty much awesome in every way (we were in the same small group once upon a time)!
The theme for the weekend was "Hearing God's Voice." In the first session, Peter reflected on the way God seems so easy to hear and focus on when we're at a retreat, away from the stress and distractions, out enjoying creation far from the hustle and bustle and noise of our daily lives. He said it wasn't that God was speaking louder in those moments, but that we were actually taking the time to listen. One of the overarching points for the weekend was that God never stops speaking to us.
There was a significant amount of free time where I had the opportunity to ponder what we had heard. I found my mind wandering to the last time I was here at the retreat, struggling with the burden of a colicky infant. I began to reflect on how much things had changed in the last two years. I thought about how far we had come, how miraculous it was that we all survived, but most of all, I remembered the way God spoke to me in those times. It was then, in the darkest, loneliest moments, when I didn't think I could physically make it another hour, when I was at the end of my rope and feeling more desperate than I had ever felt before, that God ministered to me in the most profound ways. Help is most appreciated by those who are most in need. It was in the dark solitude of the night watches that He reassured me "I will never leave you, nor forsake you" (Joshua 1:5); "The Lord who watches over you... will neither slumber nor sleep" (Ps. 121); "The Lord is my light and my salvation" (Ps. 27). It was when my strength was ready to give way, when I was exhausted and shaking from fatigue that I remembered it was "the Everlasting God, Creator of the ends of the earth" who "gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak" (Isaiah 40). It was then I was able to say "my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Ps. 73).
Once the door was opened, memories flooded back to me. Memories of all the times I really felt like I heard God's voice. As I thought back over the years, over the trials, the frustrations, the triumphs, the blessings, the highs and lows and every moment that I had found myself standing in awe of God, I realized something. Just like Peter had said, God never stops speaking those things. It seems so obvious, so simple, but GOD. NEVER. CHANGES.
So think back. Think about all the times you've been truly moved by God. Think about the comfort you've received when you were hurting. Think about the times you said "it would take a miracle to pull this off!" and a miracle happened. Think about the days you were so humbled by the tremendous grace He showed. Think about the times you lost yourself in the marvelous beauty of His creation. Every time in your life that His power made you tremble, His goodness made you dance for joy, His forgiveness set you free, His people became your family, His faithfulness made you want to declare it to the world--all of the truly awe-inspiring moments where you realized you had truly seen God.
And now remember that He "is the same, yesterday, today, and forever." (Heb. 13) God says "I the Lord do not change" (Malachi 3:6). He is all of those things, all the time. He is all of those things right now. Right. Now.
And yet today, only 5 days out from the retreat, I find myself already running on empty. I came back to real life, and it hit hard. Both kids came home with nasty viruses (different ones at that, so I get to worry about them giving it to the other!), Gordon was at a conference in Seattle, and I was confronted with the very worst of myself. Anxiously worrying about the children, growing bitter at the sleepless nights bouncing from one sick bed to another, patience wearing thin and temper flaring as I struggled to meet the needs of my tired, fussy little ones. This afternoon I threw up my hands and said "Everything I got out of the retreat is already gone!" And that's when I realized (once again) what an idiot I was. Because the truth I got out of the retreat was that it doesn't matter where you are right now, because God never changes. He is always at His best and His greatest, whether we realize it or not.
So my goal for tonight, and tomorrow, and next week, is just one thing: to remember. Not even to remember one specific thing, just to remember God. Anything about God. Because I know that all of it is always true. "The Lord is righteous in all His ways, and faithful in all he does." (Ps. 145) "in Him there is no darkness." (1 John 1)
God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.
He Giveth More Grace (by Annie J. Flint)
- He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials He multiplies peace. - When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun. - Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear. - His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.
Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
there is no shadow of turning with thee;
thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not;
as thou hast been thou forever will be.
Refrain:
Great is thy faithfulness! Great is thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
all I have needed thy hand hath provided;
great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
sun, moon and stars in their courses above
join with all nature in manifold witness
to thy great faithfulness, mercy and love. Refrain
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! Refrain
 |
| Nebulizer treatments for everyone!!! These kids are real troopers, and I'm so glad they're on the mend! Praise God for modern medicine! |
No comments:
Post a Comment