Groanings Too Deep for Words

Life can be hard for babies. They have all these needs and emotions and questions and absolutely no capacity to understand or communicate any of it, poor things! I remember when my daughter was just days old, and voicing some concerns she had about her living situation. My sweet mother put words into her crying mouth, speaking for her "I don't know what's wrong, but fix it, Mommy!"

I had no idea how often I would hear that same "phrase," wailed over and over again in her desperate baby cries. Today was another difficult day. She's been going through a tough period the last few weeks, and I really can't figure out why. Maybe she's teething, maybe she's having a growth spurt, maybe she misses her daddy, who has had a tough work schedule this month, I don't know. Probably a combination of all three, plus other stuff I haven't even considered. Suffice it to say, there have been a lot of tears, and a lot of "I don't know what's wrong!" this week.

During one of her "fits" this afternoon, I spontaneously began to recite Romans 8:26-27:

"In the same way, the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us; with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts, knows what the mind of the Spirit is because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God."

So often I find myself in a similar sort of "funk," not being able to put my finger on what precisely is troubling me, only knowing that things aren't right, and I am unhappy. I find myself wailing to God, "I don't know what's wrong, but fix it!" How glad I am that God's understanding is so much more clear than mine! I'm often at a loss when my daughter cries, but God is never lost. He searches the heart, and knows the mind, and His Spirit fills in the gaps when we simply can't.

In the same way that I hold my precious daughter close, shield her with my arms, and whisper love and encouragement in her ear, so my God holds me close, speaks to me with love, protects me with His outstretched hand. I see my child in distress and want so desperately to find out what is wrong, to help her through her trouble. So does God.

Thank you, Lord, for listening to my groans, for understanding what even I do not, for interceding on my behalf. Thank you for your steadfast love. Teach me to love my own child in the same way.


I have a little card that lists "31 Biblical Virtues to pray for your kids" by Bob Hostetler. I use it as a bookmark in the "One Year Bible Storybook" that I read with Kaja. It makes it easy to pray the virtue for the corresponding day of the month. How fitting that today, the 29th, is Prayerfulness: "Grant, Lord, that my children's lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests" (Eph. 6:18).

When I Don't Know What To Say, I Sing...

If I could describe my first 15 months of parenting, I would definitely use words like "turbulent" and "unpredictable." Other things come to mind, too, but there are some words I try not to utter in polite company.


I think every mother knows the feeling of constant change. When the baby is born, your world turns upside-down. The minute you start to feel like you're getting into a routine, figuring out what your little one needs, they grow and change! Then it's back to the drawing board, slowly coming to grips with your new reality, only to have it change again in a few weeks or months.


You often feel as if you are being tossed back and forth on the billows of a stormy sea. My sweet daughter is a prime example. She is a child of extremes, and when the pendulum swings, you had better hang on tight! The unpredictable and often instantaneous (not to mention inexplicable) shift from "delightful" to "terrible" can be downright demoralizing.


You are left feeling lost, helpless, frustrated, and utterly exhausted. Constantly trying to catch up, to understand the unknowable, fighting a losing battle against this little force of nature you are powerless to control. I know I am not the only mom who feels this way (and I imagine plenty of people who aren't mom's have other situations that make them feel this way), so I thought I'd share some of the hymns that I sing to my screaming child when I have nothing else to turn to.


It's not an exhaustive list by any means. The Holy Spirit often lays a hymn, scripture, or line on my heart when I need it most, but these are the ones that I find myself returning to over and over again, as I fight through the stormy days (and nights), struggling just to keep up with my mercurial child.


(I've italicized the lines or verses that are especially meaningful to me)

This little song from a cassette we listened to in the car as children has remained with me, and is one of the first cries of my heart when "I don't know what to do" Thank you, Mom.

"Cares Chorus"

"I cast all my cares upon you.

I lay all of my burdens down at your feet.

And anytime I don't know what to do

I will cast all my cares upon you."

"Be Still, My Soul" 
(I love the fact that this hymn tune is "Finlandia" by Sibelius!)
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897


1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.


(My kid may be unpredictable, but my God is always faithful)


2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.


(How perfect to know that, though we are at a loss, God knows every mystery, and is in command over all our storms)


3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.


4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.




A newer hymn by Keith Getty has become especially meaningful as I labor through my own "storms." The line about midnight meeting the morning still brings me to tears as I remember those long, lonely nights, rocking my colicky baby, watching the moon make its way across the dark sky, praying for the rising of the sun. 


"Jesus Draw me Ever Nearer"


Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.

And, of course, I can't forget the hymns I sing every day as I rock my child to sleep:

"Children of the Heavenly Father"

Children of the heav’nly Father
Safely in His bosom gather;
Nestling bird nor star in Heaven
Such a refuge e’er was given.

God His own doth tend and nourish;
In His holy courts they flourish;
From all evil things He spares them;
In His mighty arms He bears them.

Neither life nor death shall ever
From the Lord His children sever;
Unto them His grace He showeth,
And their sorrows all He knoweth.

Though He giveth and He taketh,
God His children ne’er forsaketh;
His the loving purpose solely
To preserve them pure and holy.

Lo, their very hairs He numbers,
And no daily care encumbers
Them that share His ev’ry blessing
And His help in woes distressing.

Praise the Lord in joyful numbers:
Your Protector never slumbers.
At the will of your Defender
Ev’ry foeman must surrender.

(another good reminder that God is with us through those long night-watches!)

"Day by Day" 

1. Day by day, and with each passing moment,
   Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
   Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
   I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
   He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
   Gives unto each day what He deems best—
   Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
   Mingling toil with peace and rest.
2. Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
   With a special mercy for each hour;
   All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
   He Whose Name is Counselor and Pow’r.
   The protection of His child and treasure
   Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
   “As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
   This the pledge to me He made.
3. (Sometimes we need a new mercy each hour! I am so thankful that my Lord will give me the strength I need to make it through each day. No more, no less, but exactly what we need.)
4. Help me then in every tribulation
   So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
   That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
   Offered me within Thy holy Word.
   Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
   E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
   One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
   Till I reach the promised land.

"Trust and Obey"

"Trust and obey

For there's no other way

To be happy in Jesus

But to trust and obey."

Life Lessons from Literature

If you looked inside my copy, you'd notice that the
word "green" was highlighted every time it occurred.

How many of you had to read The Great Gatsby in high school? I remember reading it in Mrs. Grisanzio's English II Honors class. I don't recall enjoying the book, but I do recall being enchanted by the way she picked it apart, pulled out the symbolism, held up the artistry of the language for us to admire. She was one of my favorite teachers. She really took delight in the way the words were so carefully crafted, in the wealth of great literature, and most importantly, in sharing that beauty and discovery with us. I didn't like the story, but I loved her class.

I pulled Gatsby off the shelf this afternoon because the final sentence was echoing in my head. I can still remember the day Mrs. G. read the last page out loud to us in her dramatic style, pausing to point out the various themes. Upon opening my copy, I discovered that the entire page is covered in yellow highlighter and scrawled notes. Because she loved it, I came to love it, too.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the story, the title character is a young man from humble beginnings who fell in love with a girl only to lose her when she married a man from a wealthy family. He seeks his own fortune and is successful, obsessed with the idea of winning her back, even moving to New York and buying a house across the Long Island Sound from hers, where he can see the green light at the end of her dock from his backyard. Of course, all of this happens before the book starts. Fitzgerald's narrative is a chronicle of the vanity of wealth, the selfishness of man, and the futility of unrequited love.  But back to the final page:

"...there were hardly any lights except the shadowy, moving glow of a ferryboat across the Sound. And as the moon rose higher the inessential houses began to melt away until gradually I became aware of the old island here that flowered once for Dutch sailors' eyes--a fresh, green breast of the new world. Its vanished trees, the trees that made way for Gatsby's house, had once pandered in whispers to the last and greatest of all human dreams; for a transitory enchanted moment man must have held his breath in the presence of this continent, compelled into an aesthetic contemplation he neither understood nor desired, face to face for the last time in history with something commensurate to his capacity for wonder.
     And as I sat there, brooding on the old unknown world, I thought of Gatsby's wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy's dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it.  He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night.
     Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter--tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther... And one fine morning--
     So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

The chasing of dreams, the quest for fulfillment, whatever you want to call it, it's a common literary theme. Indeed, our country is founded on the notion that the pursuit of happiness is an inalienable right. But the more I read, the more depressed I became. In college seminars I would read such classics as Voltaire's Candide, Flaubert's Madame Bovary, Nietsche's Thus Spoke Zarathustra, and Dostoyevsky's Notes From the Underground. I started to notice some common themes: People are seeking meaning in their lives. The sad part is that nobody finds it. Wealth, learning, love, power, talent, religious rituals, social standing, all are explored and found to be lacking. Indeed, the closest we get is to quietly mind our own business (actually, that doesn't sound too bad, being an introvert!).

Here's the thing: We all have an dream. It may not be defined enough to nail down in a "purpose statement," but deep down, we all have some ideal that we want to be like, what circumstances we hope for, and we are sure that if we achieve that, we will be happy. The tragic part is that it's all a great deception:
     We can never fully achieve our ideals. We are ambitious creatures, and our standards are set high. Too high. Even if we do make it for a fleeting moment, it cannot be sustained for long. True perfection is unattainable, and the law of entropy will only continue to tear down that which we attempt to build. Everything fails. If we attempt to base our happiness on circumstances, things, or people--even ourselves--we will be disappointed. It is this futile battle against the crushing weight of reality that Fitzgerald is describing in his closing remarks. The happiness that "year by year recedes before us" as we "beat on, boats against the current."

So what brought this to mind today? The realization that I was fighting a losing battle, the feeling that nothing I did was as good as I wanted it to be. The circumstance in question was my ability to make it to church on time. Every week I carefully plan in advance, making sure clothes are laid out, the diaper bag is packed, everything is set and ready to go the night before so that Sunday morning all I have to do is feed my family and head out. But I haven't been on time since my daughter was born.

This week I worked especially hard. I was up until 1am Saturday night making sure that everything was clean and ready, we woke up right on time Sunday morning, and that's when things started to go wrong. Our delightful day started with 30 minutes of inconsolable screaming for no apparent reason (this is actually pretty typical for my dramatic daughter, maybe I should just add a half-hour of tantrum buffer time to all my activities...). This threw things off, but we still manage to get out the door only 10 minutes late. We make it to church, and I'm feeling disappointed that we are late yet again, but taking consolation in the fact that we have only missed the opening announcements.

Then we hit the elevator traffic jam. The nursery and "stroller parking" are on the second floor, but one of the two (painfully slow) elevators was out of order, and there was a line. Another ten minutes later, we are finally up and "parked." I usually bring my daughter into the sanctuary for the first half of service since she likes "participating" in the singing, then put her in the nursery for the sermon, since she doesn't realize that singing time is over. So here we are, now 20 minutes late, and I carry my toddler up the flight of stairs to the balcony. She wants to play on the stairs rather than find a seat. Cue another meltdown. Now I'm late and holding a screaming child IN THE SANCTUARY, DURING SERVICE!
So off we head to the nursery, baby screeching like a banshee the whole way. I finally get her settled, telling the wide-eyed nursery ladies to please come get me if she gives them any grief. I find a seat and look at the order of service. It lists some of my favorite songs. I have missed them all.

After church, there were a few people that I was hoping to talk to, but I had to pick up the Small One from the nursery first. After a prolonged bathroom break (yay, potty training!), I somehow manage to bump into every single friend I have at church--except the one I'm looking for. It's a delightful problem to have so many friends, but by the time I'm ready to find my target, they're on their way home. I say "maybe next week," but who am I kidding? This is the way Sundays have been for 15 months now, how is next week going to be any different? And so I beat on, a boat against the current...

Feeling discouraged on my walk home, I reflect on these things and am reminded of another line from a great book: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

When we think we have what it takes, when we believe that we can achieve our own perfection, when we rely on temporal things for our happiness, we lie to ourselves. When these delusions begin to fall apart, when people start to let us down, when things don't go according to plan, when the world we have built for ourselves comes crashing down, we realize how weak we are. Ultimately, we are all failures, some of us just don't realize it yet.

But that's okay.

It's okay because there is more to the story than failure. In fact, failure is the best thing that can happen, because it opens our eyes to the truth. After all, the first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem. And that's what Paul was saying in his letter to the Corinthians. It is when we feel that acute need that His help is the most meaningful (note I said "feel,"not "have." The need is ever-present, but rarely felt). He may be the only thing holding us together day to day (Colossians 1:17), but we won't fully appreciate the way He sustains us until we realize just how much we need sustaining.
"Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

The truth is that we are meant to strive for a higher standard, to seek after something greater than ourselves. The problem is that we can't reach it on our own. The good news is that there is a solution.

"I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name...
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay."
(Edward Mote, "The Solid Rock")

"Nothing good have I to bring...
Only to the cross I cling."
(Rober Lowry, Nothing but the Blood)

My Thoughts on Saying "No"

As expressed in the title, these are just my thoughts. I'm not suggesting a parenting method, just saying what resonates with me and seems to work with my daughter. I'm no expert, I just know my kid. Everyone is different, and my views may change someday when a new child comes along. Maybe you'll like it and adopt some of my techniques. Maybe you'll disagree and tell me the totally opposite method that you employ. Either way, I hope you enjoy reading it, and I'm always up for hearing new ideas!

I recently heard about a parenting philosophy that suggested parents shouldn't say "no" to their children. The concern was that it would stifle their creative spirit, or something. I would never want to crush my daughter's individuality by forcing conformity, but I believe that we all must learn to respect appropriate boundaries. I want my little one to understand that the world does not revolve around her, there are other people who deserve her consideration, and she simply cannot do exactly what she wants whenever she wants. Also, I would very much like to keep her alive as long as possible. "No" can help with that.

That being said, I have to admit I actually do make an effort to avoid the word "no." I'm not some wishy-washy parent who is afraid to confront her own progeny, though, I swear! Here, in no particular order, are my reasons for avoiding (not eliminating) the use of the word "no" in my interactions with my daughter:

1. If I said "no" for everything she wasn't supposed to have/touch/do/go/eat/say, etc. then practically EVERYTHING in her world would be "NO!" Or at least, it would seem that way.
2. I reallllly didn't want "NO!" to be her first word (it was her second...). I figured I'd hear her say it enough later on, I'd rather delay her acquisition of this vocabulary as long as possible.
3. She is extremely strong-willed, and when I say "no," she responds by throwing a fit. I'm not afraid of her tantrums, and I don't back down in this battle of wills, but the thought of dealing with tantrums all day, every day was terribly unappealing to me (see reason number one).
4. I want her to take me seriously when I say "no." Like the boy who cried wolf, if everything is "no," it would lose it's potency over time (especially if I became weary from all those tantrums!), and then where would we be when her response was REALLY important?

So, what does it mean to "not say no?" Unlike the suggestions I heard such as "try to redirect them" or "give them options" I simply rephrase my cease-and-desist order. The words are different, but the message is the same: "That behavior is unacceptable." But I hope the message is improved, because I try to include the reason why, or suggest a preferable alternative. The way I see it, "NO!" is like stopping a car with a brick wall: effective, but painful. I'd like to help her come to a halt a bit more gently. It will lower her gas mileage and extend the life of her brake pads. Here are some of my tactics:

• "That's mama's. Here, this one is yours." (not only does she learn to respect other people's property, but she learns possessive pronouns, too!)
• "It's not time for X" (An important lesson to learn from Ecclesiastes 3)
• "That will hurt you!" (pretty self explanatory)
• "Give that to mama please." (I have found this one incredibly useful as toddlers seem to really enjoy giving things to people!)
• "YUCK!" (we're still working on this one. She has actually learned to recognize things I might identify as "gross," such as trash cans, toilets, garbage on the sidewalk, drinking her dirty bath water, etc. but she thinks the yucky sounds I make are hilarious, so she will display interest in them just to hear my reaction. Thankfully she is starting to make her own yucky sounds, and I'm hoping I can reinforce the behavior that goes with the funny noise. Also, we have an alphabet book that uses "Yak" for the letter "Y." She thinks I'm saying "yuck." It's her favorite page.)
• "Come here, please." (someone once pointed out that when we tell a child "don't X," the only verb the child hears is the unwanted behavior (X). She suggested that we might try using--or including--the desired behavior as well. Makes sense to me.)

I still say "no" a lot, and she still doesn't like it. But I try to reserve "No" for when I really mean it (when you need to throw up that proverbial brick wall in front of your child). These are typically matters of health and safety (for her, or for those around her). Some things that are definite "No's:"

• Walking into the street. (I frequently explain to her that "streets are for cars, sidewalks are for people," but if she's making a break for it, then "NO!" or "STOP!" is what she's going to hear!)
• Putting things in the toilet (mainly fingers, but not exclusively. this is an ongoing struggle)
• Getting too close to the oven/stove (I used duct tape to draw a line on our kitchen floor. She knows not to cross that boundary. Of course, whether she conforms to that rule is another story)
• Picking up an object identified as "yuck" (I do NOT want my kid eating the cigarette buts on the sidewalk outside our apartment!!! Like the street, this one is explained in other terms first. The "no!" comes when she  pays no heed and goes straight for the nastiness)
• Pinching, hitting, and other forms of intentional violence. (I follow this one up with "That hurts! Be gentle!" in an effort to encourage the desired behavior. So far there is no progress in this regard. Any suggestions on how to deal with a child who pinches when she's frustrated?)

The nice thing right now is that she's still small enough (and slow enough) that I can physically stop her if she refuses to obey. I'm trying to teach her these lessons before that ceases to be the case. Progress is slow, but blessedly present. I often feel like I'm herding a cat, or raising a hyperactive kleptomaniac, but God continues to bless me with glimpses of obedience. Nothing makes me more proud than when my daughter demonstrates some measure of self-control. Given her temperament (we knew she was a stubborn and opinionated little fighter by the second trimester!), I have prayed she would learn self-control more often than any of the other spiritual fruit.

Of course, in order to develop spiritual fruit, you have to have the Holy Spirit working in your life. And to that end, the thing I pray for her the most is that she would one day come to the realization that seeking her own way will never lead to satisfaction or fulfillment; that when she follows her own desires she becomes a slave to them; that her attempts to live in complete conformity and obedience will also fail; and that no matter how sweet, brilliant, creative, thoughtful, determined or beautiful she is (and I believe she is all of those things!), she will never live up to the perfect standard set before her. At least, not on her own. I pray that these truths will drive her to the One who has seen her weakness, who knows her failings, who has felt her rebellion, and loves her just the same. 

"What's Your Secret?"

*Warning: This is a confession post. I have no brilliant tips or strategies except the advice that I need to be following myself.

"Losing the baby weight." My goodness, I had no idea what an obsession that was until I started gaining my own! Surf the web and you will find page after page of diets, exercises, and other contraptions to help you on your journey to get your "pre-pregnancy body" back. There are even photo galleries for mommies to show off their post-baby-bellies online!

Because several of my friends have also recently had babies, I've had the privilege of hearing all about the wonderful and creative ways they have found to get back in shape. I took notes as one friend shared what she is learning about healthy foods and how to make reasonable diet/lifestyle changes that will get her whole family on the road to excellent health; I've been inspired by a friend who trained for (and completed) a triathlon (talk about hard core!); and was delighted to hear about a friend who took up ballet again after several years away from the art. The creativity, research, discipline, motivation and extra effort that this takes is tremendous, and I just think it is so awesome to hear about everything people are doing for the sake of their health.

That's why I cringe whenever anyone asks me what I've been doing.

I lost all of my pregnancy weight within the first 10 weeks of my daughter's life. A year later, I weigh what I did back in high school. I grimace whenever anyone asks me what my secret is, because, honestly, I'm ashamed of my answer. I want to keep it a secret. I say this because I haven't really been doing anything.

Chocolate? What chocolate?

While my other friends are making smart choices, working towards a goal, and intentionally seeking things that will promote their health, I have not. What's my secret? My secret is a tiny, colicky task master who wouldn't let me sleep, eat, or stop moving for almost 12 months. There is nothing healthy about exhaustion. My diet was "grab whatever little bits you can while she's quiet." There were no meals, there was very little cooking, and grocery shopping usually ended abruptly due to a screeching infant, so my diet was mainly pre-packaged, non-perishable items, aka "junk food." Thankfully, I was never able to eat more than a few nibbles here or there, so at least my intake was limited.

My exercise plan was pretty similar. I think I have only intentionally "worked out" three times since my daughter was born. However, every day (and most of the night during the early months!) was spent carrying around a baby who was rapidly increasing in size and weight, dancing around and bouncing her up and down, in the only repetitive motions that seemed to soothe her. Add to that the fact that she loves the stroller (for a while it was the only place she would sleep other than my arms), and you end up walking EVERYWHERE! It's pretty typical for us to walk several miles in the course of an afternoon. I should get a pedometer... Did I mention that she starts to cry if you move too slowly? 

Our trusty Phil&Ted's jogging stroller that has traveled
 countless miles through rain, wind and snow, soothing a fussy baby!

Yes, I lost a lot of weight, and I lost it FAST, but it only came as a side-effect of exhaustion and mal-nourishment. I'm probably one of the least healthy mommies I know. 

I was thinking about that, and realizing that everything I said about my physical diet could be said of my spiritual diet, as well. Just like cooking and meals, I almost never had the time to sit quietly with my Bible, reading, studying, and praying. I would try to "grab whatever bits I could" by listening to the audio Bible on biblegateway.com, putting verses around the house, singing hymns I had memorized, and reading Bible stories to my baby, but I filled my time with a lot of "junk food," too. Watching TV while rocking a fussy infant seems appealing, but it's never as satisfying as you want it to be. I spend way too much time watching hulu and stalking friends on facebook, and not enough time making a conscious effort to consume healthy, worthwhile things. 

The weight loss that comes from physical starvation can be viewed as a pleasant side-effect if you're hoping to shed some pounds, but spiritual starvation only leaves you scrawny, weak, and hungry. Physically, you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me that I was unhealthy. On the outside I appear fit and active, but on the inside I'm missing all kinds of nutrients. I think spiritual starvation is more readily apparent. I can put on a good face for a while, but I just can't seem to grow those "fruits of the spirit" like I want to:

• Love? It feels like everything I do these days is out of a selfish motivation. 
• Joy and Peace? I'm constantly grumbling or upset about little things that have gone wrong, or expectations that have not been met (nevermind how many expectations I've failed to meet for others!).
•  Patience? I've lost count of how many times I've snapped at someone or lost my temper this week, and it's only Tuesday! 
• Kindness, Goodness, and Gentleness? If you're selfish, short-tempered and grumbling, there's not a lot of room for those things in your heart! 
• Faithfulness? Don't get me started on how many promises have been broken, how many commitments have fallen through, how many emails remain unanswered, projects unfinished, housework undone, the list goes on...
• Self-Control? Please, make it stop!

This cannot go on. I'm miserable, and my family is suffering, too.


My precious daughter has mellowed out quite a bit now that she's almost 15 months, toddling around, and able to use baby sign-language to communicate some of her basic wants and needs. She's still perhaps a little more "high needs" than other babies her age, but all in all, she is worlds better than she was! We're finally coming out of "survival mode" and beginning to figure out ways to help our household run smoothly. 

Feeding my family (myself included), physically and spiritually, is at the top of my list. For now, we're just taking baby steps (no pun intended... I think) like buying more fresh produce (I'm so very thankful for our neighborhood farmer's market!), keeping track of what everyone has eaten that day (how much has been protein, fruits, vegetables, junk food, etc), praying before meals, and reading a bible story together every morning. God also sent me a hidden blessing by crashing my computer's hard-drive, so there has been a significant decrease in the amount of time I have managed to waste online ("Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways." Psalm 119:37)! I can only pray that these small changes will quickly become easy habits, and we can begin to add more and more. 

I think I'll hold off on those marathon aspirations for now, "but the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day..." (Proverbs 4:18)

This little board book of the parable of the lost sheep is one of her favorites.
 I think it has something to do with the "baa!" sounds mommy makes...

A Work In Progress: Learning to Obey...

It was another rough day, with both of us fighting colds. It's very easy for me to get frustrated and overwhelmed by the whining and the crying and the tantrums and the general neediness, but I am so very thankful for the little glimpses of growth God lets me see in my beautiful daughter.

I've been teaching her what "obey" means: "to listen to mommy and do what she says." We've been talking about it and "practicing" it for weeks. She usually just ignores me, then throws a fit when I assert my will (usually by picking her up and moving her out of harm's way). Occasionally she listens and really seems to understand what's expected of her. You can see her pondering her next move. On rare occasions, she decides to comply, and I rejoice as if we'd found a cure for cancer. More often she decides to follow her own way, and the battle of wills ensues. It often feels like we're getting nowhere, but I know it's one of those things where the fruit is a very long time coming! Fighting these battles now will hopefully produce results later on, and that is the hope that keeps me going.

Today, we were out on a walk, and she was headed straight for a grimy puddle. I called out "STOP!" and she stopped!!! Glory, hallelujah, she stopped!!! I praised her up and down for doing such a good job obeying, then I told her to go around the puddle. She paused. I held my breath. She looked at me, smiled, and, pointing to the puddle, made the sign for "water." Well, she's not going around, but she's not plowing through it either, that's a start! Tentatively, I explained to her "Yes, that is water, but it's yucky water. Go around, please!" And without another thought, she cheerfully circumvented the mud.

There were hugs, and kisses, and thanks, and praises, and all manner of professions of love and pride and hope from this one little act of obedience! I held my child in a warm embrace and explained to her: "I love you when you obey, and still I love you when you don't obey, but I make these rules to keep you safe. I tell you to do these things because I love you and I don't want you to get hurt. When you obey me, that's your way of telling me that you love me."

Tonight I am reading 1 John. Chapter 5, verse 3 says "this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome." Oh, how is it that I still need to learn the same lessons I am teaching my little one?! I can hear my Heavenly Father now: "I created you to walk in my light. If only you would just listen to me and do what I say! I know what is best for you because I designed you, and I tell you to do these things because I love you, and I want to keep you safe."

When my daughter obeys me, I'm not happy because I can control her, or because I got my own way. I'm happy because she is listening to me, and values what I have to say. When she hears my voice and does what I ask, it tells me that she trusts me not to lead her astray. What could be better than that?

Lord, teach me to listen to you, and value what you say. I know you love me. Teach me to trust that you only want what is best for me, and help me to follow your will.

There's a hymn my mother taught me when I was very young, and now I sing it to my own daughter. I didn't understand it then, but these days it is making more sense:

My little puddle-jumper!

"Trust and obey,
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus,
But to trust and obey."

--Text by John H Sammis
(full lyrics can be found here)

A Work In Progress

***This is the first post in a series on lessons I'm learning through motherhood. The posts will probably be very spaced out (I don't have a great track record on regular posting), and there might be other posts in-between, but every once-in-a-while I hope to put up another post on the topic! Look for the tag "Work In Progress"

A few weeks ago, as I was wearily pushing the stroller at a brisk pace in frigid weather, bracing myself against the brutal Chicago wind, wishing I had remembered my hat and scarf, all in a desperate attempt to help my sleep-deprived little one get some kind of nap (she has always slept better in the stroller, but wakes up as soon as I stop moving or go inside), I began to reflect on all the things I've learned since becoming a mother. (phew! How's that for a run-on sentence?)

As my sweet daughter continued to sleep, I had ample time to tabulate a surprisingly long list. I believe I've grown more in the last 10 months than any other "stage" of my life. I would also have to say that these first 10 months of motherhood have easily been the hardest of any stage thus far.

And that was when I started to wonder why I always seemed to grow more in times of trial than I ever did in success. Honestly, my first thought was "How come God can teach other moms the same lessons and still give them babies who sleep through the night?!" My initial response was something along the lines of "Wow, I must be a really slow learner if God had to resort to such extreme methods! Maybe I should be praying for a more teachable spirit!"

But then I remembered how often God does exactly what I ask, but in a way that is terribly different from what I had in mind. For instance, I once asked for an extension on a midterm project and a break from responsibilities for about a week, never actually believing it would happen. But the next day I contracted shingles and wound up with a doctor's note for--guess what?--A week off of school (and yes, I got that extension, too)! Then there's all those times I've prayed for a humble spirit, only to turn around and get utterly humiliated. Yeah, sickness and public disgrace are certainly not what I had in mind, but you know what? I got exactly what I asked for. God's methods are always effective. Be careful what you pray for!

I have long believed that people are more willing to learn in difficult situations. Think about the classes you took in school: Which ones drove you to study harder and seek help? Easy classes are easy because we know most of the material already (or we think we do, at least). We study more in those difficult classes because we realize how much we have to learn. It's the same in life: When things are going smoothly, it's easy to believe that we have all the answers. But when things go wrong, we realize how much we need help. People are the most receptive when they are the most desperate. God sends trials our way not because He's a vindictive god who delights in watching His creation squirm, but because He cares about our character and education, and wants to make sure we learn His lessons well.

Well, that answers my first question ("why I always seemed to grow more in times of trial than I ever did in success"), but not my second ("How come God can teach other moms the same lessons and still give them babies who sleep through the night?"). I think I was heading east on Superior, into the wind, when I realized "We all learn essentially the same lessons, but in different times and different ways." Any good teacher will tell you that one method does not fit all. You have to tailor your approach based on factors like age, ability, classroom dynamic, learning styles, resources available, number of students, timeframe, and many, many others. One of the baby books I reference frequently ("What to Expect the First Year) repeats this adage in every chapter: "All babies are different." Well, all people are different, too, and I am so very thankful that our God knows and loves each one of us individually. Who better to tailor our curriculum than the One who made us, and took great care in every detail (Psalm 139)? I don't know what lessons those other moms need to learn, and I don't know what and how He has already taught them. I'm glad I don't have to. It is enough for me to trust that God is teaching them and teaching me. My job is only to learn. (Psalm 131)

As I was reflecting on these things before writing this post, I wondered if sometimes God uses difficult methods to test how willing we are to learn. It's easy to ask for humility, but you have to really want it if you're going to stare humiliation in the face and accept it as an opportunity to grow! I am fond of saying "it's not our circumstances that change us, it's how we respond to them." If you don't want to learn, you probably won't. But that doesn't mean God won't continue to teach you.

I want to throw in a disclaimer here: I'm not saying that the only reason we experience hardship is because God has something to teach us. He has many purposes for trials, and I never want to give the impression that all you have to do is "learn your lesson" and the hard times will stop! In fact, that is rarely the case. What I am saying is, no matter what your situation, God can always teach you something. Romans 8:28 is an often misinterpreted passage that reads "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." A lot of people assume that the "good" refers to things in this life, but if you keep reading, you discover what "His purpose" is: "...to become conformed to the image of His Son." (Romans 8:29) That verse doesn't mean God will make sure everything turns out all right in the end. It really means that our infinitely wise and creative God can use anything as an opportunity to help us grow to become more like Jesus Christ.

I guess I'll just continue to pray for a teachable spirit, even though I know that probably means I'll continue to learn my lessons "the hard way."

I'd like to share some excerpts from two of my favorite hymns. I have sung these to my baby girl every day since she was born, but I know I need these words far more than she does at this point. Both hymns were written by Karolina Sandell-Berg (a Swede!) and translated to English by Andrew L. Skoog.

Children of the Heavenly Father (verse 5)

"Tough He giveth and He taketh

God His children ne'er forsaketh.

His the loving purpose solely

To preserve them, pure and holy."

Day by Day (portions of verses 1 and 3)

"He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,

Gives unto each day what He deems best...

"Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,

E'er to take, as from a Father's hand,

Willingly, the days, the moments fleeting,

Till I reach the promised land."