My Thoughts on Saying "No"

As expressed in the title, these are just my thoughts. I'm not suggesting a parenting method, just saying what resonates with me and seems to work with my daughter. I'm no expert, I just know my kid. Everyone is different, and my views may change someday when a new child comes along. Maybe you'll like it and adopt some of my techniques. Maybe you'll disagree and tell me the totally opposite method that you employ. Either way, I hope you enjoy reading it, and I'm always up for hearing new ideas!

I recently heard about a parenting philosophy that suggested parents shouldn't say "no" to their children. The concern was that it would stifle their creative spirit, or something. I would never want to crush my daughter's individuality by forcing conformity, but I believe that we all must learn to respect appropriate boundaries. I want my little one to understand that the world does not revolve around her, there are other people who deserve her consideration, and she simply cannot do exactly what she wants whenever she wants. Also, I would very much like to keep her alive as long as possible. "No" can help with that.

That being said, I have to admit I actually do make an effort to avoid the word "no." I'm not some wishy-washy parent who is afraid to confront her own progeny, though, I swear! Here, in no particular order, are my reasons for avoiding (not eliminating) the use of the word "no" in my interactions with my daughter:

1. If I said "no" for everything she wasn't supposed to have/touch/do/go/eat/say, etc. then practically EVERYTHING in her world would be "NO!" Or at least, it would seem that way.
2. I reallllly didn't want "NO!" to be her first word (it was her second...). I figured I'd hear her say it enough later on, I'd rather delay her acquisition of this vocabulary as long as possible.
3. She is extremely strong-willed, and when I say "no," she responds by throwing a fit. I'm not afraid of her tantrums, and I don't back down in this battle of wills, but the thought of dealing with tantrums all day, every day was terribly unappealing to me (see reason number one).
4. I want her to take me seriously when I say "no." Like the boy who cried wolf, if everything is "no," it would lose it's potency over time (especially if I became weary from all those tantrums!), and then where would we be when her response was REALLY important?

So, what does it mean to "not say no?" Unlike the suggestions I heard such as "try to redirect them" or "give them options" I simply rephrase my cease-and-desist order. The words are different, but the message is the same: "That behavior is unacceptable." But I hope the message is improved, because I try to include the reason why, or suggest a preferable alternative. The way I see it, "NO!" is like stopping a car with a brick wall: effective, but painful. I'd like to help her come to a halt a bit more gently. It will lower her gas mileage and extend the life of her brake pads. Here are some of my tactics:

• "That's mama's. Here, this one is yours." (not only does she learn to respect other people's property, but she learns possessive pronouns, too!)
• "It's not time for X" (An important lesson to learn from Ecclesiastes 3)
• "That will hurt you!" (pretty self explanatory)
• "Give that to mama please." (I have found this one incredibly useful as toddlers seem to really enjoy giving things to people!)
• "YUCK!" (we're still working on this one. She has actually learned to recognize things I might identify as "gross," such as trash cans, toilets, garbage on the sidewalk, drinking her dirty bath water, etc. but she thinks the yucky sounds I make are hilarious, so she will display interest in them just to hear my reaction. Thankfully she is starting to make her own yucky sounds, and I'm hoping I can reinforce the behavior that goes with the funny noise. Also, we have an alphabet book that uses "Yak" for the letter "Y." She thinks I'm saying "yuck." It's her favorite page.)
• "Come here, please." (someone once pointed out that when we tell a child "don't X," the only verb the child hears is the unwanted behavior (X). She suggested that we might try using--or including--the desired behavior as well. Makes sense to me.)

I still say "no" a lot, and she still doesn't like it. But I try to reserve "No" for when I really mean it (when you need to throw up that proverbial brick wall in front of your child). These are typically matters of health and safety (for her, or for those around her). Some things that are definite "No's:"

• Walking into the street. (I frequently explain to her that "streets are for cars, sidewalks are for people," but if she's making a break for it, then "NO!" or "STOP!" is what she's going to hear!)
• Putting things in the toilet (mainly fingers, but not exclusively. this is an ongoing struggle)
• Getting too close to the oven/stove (I used duct tape to draw a line on our kitchen floor. She knows not to cross that boundary. Of course, whether she conforms to that rule is another story)
• Picking up an object identified as "yuck" (I do NOT want my kid eating the cigarette buts on the sidewalk outside our apartment!!! Like the street, this one is explained in other terms first. The "no!" comes when she  pays no heed and goes straight for the nastiness)
• Pinching, hitting, and other forms of intentional violence. (I follow this one up with "That hurts! Be gentle!" in an effort to encourage the desired behavior. So far there is no progress in this regard. Any suggestions on how to deal with a child who pinches when she's frustrated?)

The nice thing right now is that she's still small enough (and slow enough) that I can physically stop her if she refuses to obey. I'm trying to teach her these lessons before that ceases to be the case. Progress is slow, but blessedly present. I often feel like I'm herding a cat, or raising a hyperactive kleptomaniac, but God continues to bless me with glimpses of obedience. Nothing makes me more proud than when my daughter demonstrates some measure of self-control. Given her temperament (we knew she was a stubborn and opinionated little fighter by the second trimester!), I have prayed she would learn self-control more often than any of the other spiritual fruit.

Of course, in order to develop spiritual fruit, you have to have the Holy Spirit working in your life. And to that end, the thing I pray for her the most is that she would one day come to the realization that seeking her own way will never lead to satisfaction or fulfillment; that when she follows her own desires she becomes a slave to them; that her attempts to live in complete conformity and obedience will also fail; and that no matter how sweet, brilliant, creative, thoughtful, determined or beautiful she is (and I believe she is all of those things!), she will never live up to the perfect standard set before her. At least, not on her own. I pray that these truths will drive her to the One who has seen her weakness, who knows her failings, who has felt her rebellion, and loves her just the same.