"Teddy's Song"

A year and a week ago, we found out we were expecting. After two years of hoping and heartbreak and miscarriage, I was so delighted! But I remember breathing a prayer on my way to church: “Lord, this baby belongs to you. Help me to hold this child with an open hand.” Exactly a week later I was going to get my first lesson:

That morning in church we sang a song, called “Behold Our God.” I had never heard it before, and to be honest, I wasn't a huge fan. It just takes me a while to process and connect to unfamiliar songs, so I remained unmoved. But we had a running playlist of the songs we sing in church so Kaja could learn them and participate in service, and I added it to the rotation.

Later that afternoon, I went to the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding. I was crushed. Time stopped and I couldn't see or hear or think anything besides “We're losing this baby, too.” I don't know how long I sat there, trying to breathe, but the first sound that made it past the ringing in my ears was the playlist running in the other room:

Who has held the oceans in His hands?
Who has numbered every grain of sand?
Kings and nations tremble at His voice
All creation rises to rejoice

Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!

Who has given counsel to the Lord?
Who can question any of His Words?
Who can teach the One who knows all things?
Who can fathom all His wondrous deeds?

Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!

You will reign forever...

The lyrics reference God's response to Job when he questions his suffering and loss. God reminds him that He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and sovereign over all things, and although things don't make sense to us, everything makes sense to Him, and this life is part of something so much bigger than we could ever comprehend. The reminder that our strong, wise, and loving God is in charge was exactly what I needed in that moment. Still devastated, but reassured.

I bled off-and-on for nearly a month, and every time the bleeding restarted, I thought “This is it, the miscarriage is finally starting.” But it never did, and baby kept growing healthy and strong!

That was only the beginning of our pregnancy scares, which included placenta previa (it moved just enough by the end of the pregnancy and never ruptured), exposure to Lymphocytic Choriomeningitis (which most likely would have killed or maimed the baby had I not already unknowingly built an immunity thanks to previous exposure to this rare virus), and a uterine rupture during an attempted VBAC (the OB caught it just in time, we had an emergency C-Section, and are both fine. In the OR, when I heard him point out where my old scar was tearing open, I realized how very narrowly we had escaped tragedy).

Throughout the pregnancy, this song kept popping up. It seemed that on the days I was most overwhelmed by the fear of losing another baby, I would inevitably hear it on the radio or we would sing it in church (at our old church, at a church we visited once, and even on the first Sunday we visited our new church). Sure enough, we even sang it on baby Teddy's first Sunday at church (I should say, the congregation sang. I held my baby tight and wept grateful tears into his soft, brown hair). This morning, a year after hearing the song for the first time, a year after my heart was shattered by what I thought was another miscarriage, I sat in service, rocking my baby boy, listening to my daughter singing next to me: “Behold our God, seated on His throne. Come let us adore Him...”

Our baby's middle name is a variant of John, which means “The Lord has been gracious to us” and He truly has.

DIY Baby Wearing Coat Insert Tutorial!!!

I've seen some really cool baby-wearing coats online, and found some very clever ideas for sewing inserts for your own coat (including this very simple and clever one made from 2 fleece jackets, and this variation where the fleece zipper matched her coat zipper!), but none of them were quite what I wanted. It occurred to me that, instead of cannibalizing a fleece jacket, I could just as easily buy a zipper and some fleece at the fabric store, and then I could use whatever material I wanted. Once I realized that, things started to snowball. I anticipated wearing the baby while playing out in the snow with my 3-year-old, so I wanted something that would keep out the wind, so it had to have a stronger outer material, and a method of cinching up at the top and bottom to keep out the drafts.
After a great deal of thinking and reverse-engineering, this is what I came up with. I am NOT a seamstress. My sewing skills are intermediate, at best, and my machine is old and decrepit, so it's not very pretty or polished, but it does exactly what I want it to do, so I am pleased. Here is how I made it.

The collar can be folded down

Or gathered at the top to create a hood!

Here's what it looks like by itself

Okay, this isn't going to be a very thorough step-by-step tutorial, and I'm sorry about that, but I completely forgot to take pictures while I was sewing, and I'm not a seamstress myself, so you get to see pictures of the completed product, and some mock-ups using paper, with some very rough descriptions along the way (it's almost midnight, I'm trying to get this typed and posted before the baby wakes up for his next feeding, and I'm tired and not thinking very clearly, sorry).

Materials:

lining: fleece

Outer: I used rip-stop nylon because I had it already, but outdoor canvas or any other outerwear material you want is fine.

¼ inch elastic tape

round cord elastic

“Spring Stop Cord Locks”

zipper (most coats use YKK size 5, but do check your coat! If the zipper is YKK, look on the back of the zipper pull. There should be a little serial number. If there is a “5” in the number, you've got a size 5)

Step 1: Measure

Wear your baby and put on your coat. Measure your zipper from the bottom, to however far up you want the insert to zip (I didn't want it to zip up as high as my coat does, since the baby's head sits lower than mine, so I got a shorter zipper. For my coat, I needed a 22-inch one). Then measure the distance across your baby, from zipper to zipper at various points along the way (my coat had velcro every 5 inches, so I measured across at the bottom, then at every velcro up to the top). I also measured how high up from the bottom my baby's neck was, because I wanted to add elastic around the neck to keep out the wind.

*Be generous with the measurements, don't make them too tight, you want to allow extra room for baby to grow, extra layers, etc.
*about the zipper length: Because the outer edges are curved, your zipper will need to be slightly longer than the height you measured (which is a straight line). I recommend drawing your pattern first, and measuring the edges before purchasing a zipper.

Step 2: Trace

Take your measurements and plot them out on a large sheet of paper (wrapping paper, tissue paper, packing/butcher paper, whatever). I first measured the center (blue line), then marked my landmarks (top, bottom, and velcro's in-between) along that center line. Then I marked the points for my measurements, making sure to center them symmetrically across the line (red dots). Then I just kind of traced a curve, making sure it went through all the dots. I wanted a hood, so made the top curved, but you could just as easily make it a straight collar and eliminate a step. The top of my curve is about 8 inches above the top of my zipper. I also marked out where the elastic would go (green, wavy line), but you don't really need to do that on the pattern, I just did it for the sake of clarity.

Because I wanted to add drawstrings to the top and bottom, I added an extra inch or so on both ends (dotted line). I actually could have gotten away with much less than an inch, probably half-an-inch would be fine.

Step 3: Cut

I pinned the two fabrics together, right sides facing in, and pinned the paper on top of them and cut them both out at the same time. I added a seam allowance by simply cutting about a half-inch outside the lines the whole way around. Super precise, I know. ;)

Step 4: Sew the zipper!

Pin the zipper between the two pieces (still right-sides together) with the teeth pointing IN. Make sure that the right portions of the zipper are on the right sides so they will sip into your coat properly (it will seem backwards. Turn the whole thing right-side out after pinning if you have to to check). If you haven't sewn a zipper before, this tutorial gives a nice visual :
http://www.purlbee.com/2014/04/18/mollys-sketchbook-simple-lined-zipper-pouches/

Also, a zipper foot on your sewing machine helps!

Sew the zippers in up both sides, but leave that inch or so at the top and bottom open for the drawstring (unless you don't want a drawstring, in which case, just sew all the way up and down each side). Don't sew the top and bottom yet, you should basically have a tube right now.

Turn it right-side-out and top stitch the zippers to make a clean finish.

Step 5: Elastic!

Keeping the panel right-side-out, slide the end of your elastic tape between the pieces and pin it inside, by the zipper at the height you measured. Sew a tight zig-zag through all the layers to tack down that end (just the end). Leave the elastic long, you want it to hang out so you can grab it to pull. I just held the whole roll and didn't cut it until I had finished sewing it in.

To make a channel for the elastic, move the tape out of the way as much as possible and sew a straight line across the whole panel under the elastic.

Then, push the elastic as close as possible to the sewn edge, and very carefully sew another straight line above the elastic, making sure NOT to sew the elastic! This is the fun part.

When you get close to the other side, you will have to stop short to avoid sewing over the long end of the elastic that is poking out. When you have sewn as far as you dare, pull the elastic until the panel gathers as tightly as you want it, then pin it in place and zig-zag over that end to secure it.

I wish I had pictures of this process (sorry!), but here's the finished product, hopefully it gives you an idea of how that should go:

Gathered elastic

Elastic pulled straight so you can see the channel and the zig-zags on the ends

Step 6: finishing the top and bottom:

Turn the panel inside-out and sew across the top.If you're adding a drawstring, fold in and pin the edges on the sides above the zipper as if you're going to hem them, but don't sew. When you sew the top seam, it will catch the top of that fold and tack it down so the opening for your drawstring doesn't have rough edges poking out. I would add fray-check or some kind of liquid seam on those edges. I'm sure there's a better way to do this, but I don't know it. Will someone enlighten me?

Turn it right-side out again and top stitch the seam. Then sew another line underneath the top stitch to create a channel for your elastic cord.

*I made a nice, wide channel, which creates kind of a ruffled effect when the hood is gathered. If you want tighter gathers, make the channel more narrow and closer to the edge.

Once you've sewn your channel, if there is a gap on the side seams between the bottom of the channel and the top of the zipper, top-stitch that closed.

See how ruffled the edges look with the wide channel?

The bottom will be finished almost the same way, but WATCH OUT: When I turned it inside out to finish the bottom seam, I forgot to leave a gap to turn it right-side out again and had to re-do the whole thing. Don't do that. Learn from my mistake.

Turn the panel inside-out, and sew across the bottom leaving a few inches to turn it right-side out! (don't forget to fold in the unfinished edges on the sides where the drawstring opening is)

Turn it right side out, fold in the edges of the opening and top stitch across the whole bottom edge. Then sew another line above it to create the channel for your elastic cord.

Here's a closer shot of the "channel."

You are almost done!

Step 7:

tie one end of the elastic cord onto a safety pin and use that to work it through the channel. 

If you have a single slot cord lock, just thread the elastic through the lock, tie a good knot and do the same on the other side.

I got dual slot cord locks, so I've got an extra step to finish mine:

Slide the cord through one of the holes, then back through the other to create a loop. 

Then slip the end inside the channel and sew it down (I tied a knot and doubled it up to have more to sew over.

If you think ahead, you can tack this down as you're sewing your channel. Just tack one end down at the start, sew most of the channel, thread the cord through, and tack down the other end as you're finishing the channel to create a cleaner look. Just remember to thread the cord locks on BEFORE you tack down the ends...

Step 8: Zip it onto your coat and get going! :)

Pantry Meals!

One of the projects I've been working on for some time is the idea of "pantry meals." These are a collection of "emergency meals" comprised of non-perishable or frozen ingredients. The main idea is to have all the necessary parts on hand for those days when life catches up to you and you don't have any dinner plans or time/money to head to the grocery store.

I use these myself a lot when life gets crazy, especially during the seasons when we have Safe Families placements in our home. I've also started bringing "kits" to friends when they could use a little extra help (new baby, moving, death in the family, general stress, etc). Most of the ingredients are canned or dry goods, which are pretty inexpensive, and they don't take up any of that valuable freezer space! The idea is to have all the materials on hand, to use anytime you want without worrying about spoiling. I wanted to share these ideas, with ingredients, recipes, and sources, in the hopes that it makes life a little easier for someone else.

I'd like to add a little disclaimer: some might express concern over the "processed foods" used in a few of the recipes (not to mention the sodium content of any canned food). Don't worry, my family doesn't eat like this every day. Like I said, these are "emergency meals" for when I don't have time to buy fresh produce or cook meals from scratch. The way I see it, these options are way better than fast food.

Prep notes: I take a little time to prep and freeze some of the perishable items in advance, so they're stored up when I need them. I usually buy a few onions to dice and freeze in bags containing 1/2 and onion each (since that's what most recipes call for). I also buy a big bag of shredded cheese and split it into 1 cup portions to freeze. We usually buy frozen chicken breasts to use for these recipes, and I also will buy ground beef and freeze it in advance (I understand you can brown it first, then freeze it, but I just freeze it raw and thaw it to cook. Not sure which one keeps better). I also have a massive jar of minced garlic from Costco that lives in my fridge. I much prefer fresh garlic, but that jar is a lifesaver in a pinch, and that's what these recipes are for, right?

What about you? Do you have any stand-by/emergency meals? I'm not gonna lie, a jar of spaghetti sauce, or a box of mac 'n cheese can be a lifesaver on a crazy day (add frozen spinach to either of those for an extra veggie kick)!

Chicken Pot Pie

(from "arishaun" at http://ask.metafilter.com/156778/What-are-your-favourite-recipes-that-use-no-fresh-ingredients)

This is one of my favorites because it is so quick to put together and the results are yummy! I've even served this to (surprise) company a few times!

1 can low sodium Campbells/condensed cream of chicken soup

1 can low sodium mixed veggies 

1 12.5oz can of white breast chicken meat 

1 ready made pie crust (the refrigerated ones that come rolled up in a box, like these. They can be frozen for quite a while!)

1) mix canned ingredients (don't drain the veggies, break chicken into smaller chunks)

2) place one layer of pie crust in pan, add filling, cover with second layer of crust.

3) Bake at 375 for 30 minutes.

One Dish Chicken & Rice Bake

(from Campbell's Kitchen)

1 can condensed cream of mushroom soup

1 cup water (just use the soup can, leave 1cm at top)

3/4 cup uncooked white rice

1/4 tsp. paprika

1/4 tsp. black pepper

1.25 lbs chicken breast halves (another thing you can keep in the freezer)

1 can of veggies, drained (or frozen veggies), optional.

1. Mix soup, water, rice, paprika, pepper and veggies in a 2-quart shallow baking dish.

2. top with chicken (thawed). Season with additional paprika and cover.

3. Bake at 375 for 45 minutes or until chicken is cooked through and rice is tender. 

4. Let stand 10 minutes and stir rice before serving.

Broccoli, Chicken and Cheese Casserole

(Another favorite, compiled from many different versions across the internet!)

1 can condensed broccoli cheese soup

1 cup water (just use the soup can, leave 1cm at top)

3/4 cup uncooked white rice

1 12.5oz can chicken (drained)

frozen chopped broccoli

1/2 onion, diced (this ingredient you can buy frozen or do yourself)

2 Tbs. butter or oil

1/2 sleeve crushed Ritz crackers

1 cup grated cheese (cheese freezes nicely, too)

1. Preheat oven to 375

2. Saute onion in butter/oil.

3. Combine onions, soup, water, rice, chicken and broccoli in a shallow baking dish

4. sprinkle crackers and cheese over top

5. bake at 375 for 45 minutes.

Chili Cheeseburger Casserole

(modified from Taste of Home's Chili Cheese Dog Casserole)

This is another family favorite, but requires quite a few more "perishable" ingredients. The beef, onions, and cheese can all be frozen. Milk and eggs for the cornbread mix are just something I need to always have on hand.

1 can chili

1 can vegetables (I prefer green beans)

1 package Jiffy cornbread mix 

• 1/3 cup milk
• 1 egg

1 lb ground beef 

1/2 cup chopped onions

1 cup shredded cheese (divided)

chili powder and garlic powder to taste

1. prepare corn bread batter according to package directions. Spread half of batter in a greased 8-inch square baking dish; set aside.

2. In a large skillet, brown the beef and saute the onions.

3. stir in chili, drained veggies, garlic powder and chili powder. 

4. Once heated through, stir in 3/4 cup of cheese

5. Spoon into baking dish, top with remaining cornbread batter, top with cheese.

6. bake, uncovered, at 350 for 28-32 minutes. Let stand 5 minutes before serving.

Chicken in Peanut Sauce

(sauce recipe from Cooks.com)

2 Tbsp. smooth peanut butter

2 Tbsp. soy sauce

1-2 cloves minced garlic (can use jarred minced garlic, or garlic powder if you don't have fresh)

1/4 cup water

1 Tbsp. brown sugar

juice from half a lemon (I never have lemons on hand, so I usually leave this part out, no worries)

1 can chicken (or use cubed fresh/frozen chicken if you have it on hand)

Frozen green beans or other vegetable (optional, but I like to try to have veggies in as much as possible!)

rice

In a non-stick pan, combine all ingredients except chicken and vegetables, stirring constantly over medium heat until peanut butter has melted. You can do this in the microwave too, for about 30-40 seconds.

Stir in chicken and vegetables and heat through (if using fresh/frozen chicken, stir-fry in oil to cook through before combining).

Serve over rice.

Coconut Milk Curry Chicken

(Delicious recipe found here)

4 boneless chicken thighs, cubed (I use breasts because it's what we have in the freezer)

1 cup sliced onions

1 potato, cubed (this is the only "fresh" ingredient you need on hand, and I think you can even get canned potatoes if you really want)

5 cloves of garlic, chopped (best if it's fresh, but you can use the jarred minced garlic)

1 can coconut milk

2 Tbsp. curry powder

2 Tbsp. butter

Olive oil

Rice

1. In a large skillet, melt butter on low heat, then add curry powder

2. Add coconut milk and stir

3. In a separate skillet, saute garlic and onions in olive oil until translucent

4. add chicken to the onion mixture and brown.

5. add the onion/garlic/chicken mixture and potatoes to the coconut milk/curry mixture, increase heat and bring to a simmer.

6. Cover and reduce heat to medium-low. Simmer for 30 minute, or until chicken is cooked through.

Serve over rice.

Working together to mix ingredients!

Dear moms of fussy babies...

Last week when I picked her up from the church nursery, I was told that my daughter--the one they used to turn away at the door, the one who wouldn't sleep, the one who did nothing but scream for the first year of her life--MY daughter was "PERPETUALLY JOYFUL." 
I can't say it enough: IT GETS BETTER!!! 
I've gotten quite used to my delightful child by now, but anytime I get one of those comments it makes me pause and remember the way things once were. It fills my heart with wonder and deep, deep gratitude.
I remember those days all too well, and I wish I could travel back in time so I could tell myself how different things would be, how they would soon become "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" (Eph. 3:20). So I am passing it on to you. They are NOT colicky forever. They grow into such amazing and wonderful people, and as long and as hard as your road is, your "present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed" (Rom. 8:18). It's awful, but it's worth it. It gets so much better!
Tonight I sat in our rocking chair, cradling my daughter, and sang the hymn I used to sing through all the watches of the night. Same chair, same child, same song, new perspective. "Praise the Lord in joyful numbers, your protector never slumbers!"
God is faithful, praise the Lord!

Before: Her first day home from the hospital. We had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into...

After: This is the gusto with which she attacks everything in life now
(seriously, she runs to the breakfast table like this)!

Groanings Too Deep for Words

Life can be hard for babies. They have all these needs and emotions and questions and absolutely no capacity to understand or communicate any of it, poor things! I remember when my daughter was just days old, and voicing some concerns she had about her living situation. My sweet mother put words into her crying mouth, speaking for her "I don't know what's wrong, but fix it, Mommy!"

I had no idea how often I would hear that same "phrase," wailed over and over again in her desperate baby cries. Today was another difficult day. She's been going through a tough period the last few weeks, and I really can't figure out why. Maybe she's teething, maybe she's having a growth spurt, maybe she misses her daddy, who has had a tough work schedule this month, I don't know. Probably a combination of all three, plus other stuff I haven't even considered. Suffice it to say, there have been a lot of tears, and a lot of "I don't know what's wrong!" this week.

During one of her "fits" this afternoon, I spontaneously began to recite Romans 8:26-27:

"In the same way, the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us; with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts, knows what the mind of the Spirit is because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God."

So often I find myself in a similar sort of "funk," not being able to put my finger on what precisely is troubling me, only knowing that things aren't right, and I am unhappy. I find myself wailing to God, "I don't know what's wrong, but fix it!" How glad I am that God's understanding is so much more clear than mine! I'm often at a loss when my daughter cries, but God is never lost. He searches the heart, and knows the mind, and His Spirit fills in the gaps when we simply can't.

In the same way that I hold my precious daughter close, shield her with my arms, and whisper love and encouragement in her ear, so my God holds me close, speaks to me with love, protects me with His outstretched hand. I see my child in distress and want so desperately to find out what is wrong, to help her through her trouble. So does God.

Thank you, Lord, for listening to my groans, for understanding what even I do not, for interceding on my behalf. Thank you for your steadfast love. Teach me to love my own child in the same way.


I have a little card that lists "31 Biblical Virtues to pray for your kids" by Bob Hostetler. I use it as a bookmark in the "One Year Bible Storybook" that I read with Kaja. It makes it easy to pray the virtue for the corresponding day of the month. How fitting that today, the 29th, is Prayerfulness: "Grant, Lord, that my children's lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests" (Eph. 6:18).

When I Don't Know What To Say, I Sing...

If I could describe my first 15 months of parenting, I would definitely use words like "turbulent" and "unpredictable." Other things come to mind, too, but there are some words I try not to utter in polite company.


I think every mother knows the feeling of constant change. When the baby is born, your world turns upside-down. The minute you start to feel like you're getting into a routine, figuring out what your little one needs, they grow and change! Then it's back to the drawing board, slowly coming to grips with your new reality, only to have it change again in a few weeks or months.


You often feel as if you are being tossed back and forth on the billows of a stormy sea. My sweet daughter is a prime example. She is a child of extremes, and when the pendulum swings, you had better hang on tight! The unpredictable and often instantaneous (not to mention inexplicable) shift from "delightful" to "terrible" can be downright demoralizing.


You are left feeling lost, helpless, frustrated, and utterly exhausted. Constantly trying to catch up, to understand the unknowable, fighting a losing battle against this little force of nature you are powerless to control. I know I am not the only mom who feels this way (and I imagine plenty of people who aren't mom's have other situations that make them feel this way), so I thought I'd share some of the hymns that I sing to my screaming child when I have nothing else to turn to.


It's not an exhaustive list by any means. The Holy Spirit often lays a hymn, scripture, or line on my heart when I need it most, but these are the ones that I find myself returning to over and over again, as I fight through the stormy days (and nights), struggling just to keep up with my mercurial child.


(I've italicized the lines or verses that are especially meaningful to me)

This little song from a cassette we listened to in the car as children has remained with me, and is one of the first cries of my heart when "I don't know what to do" Thank you, Mom.

"Cares Chorus"

"I cast all my cares upon you.

I lay all of my burdens down at your feet.

And anytime I don't know what to do

I will cast all my cares upon you."

"Be Still, My Soul" 
(I love the fact that this hymn tune is "Finlandia" by Sibelius!)
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897


1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.


(My kid may be unpredictable, but my God is always faithful)


2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.


(How perfect to know that, though we are at a loss, God knows every mystery, and is in command over all our storms)


3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.


4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.




A newer hymn by Keith Getty has become especially meaningful as I labor through my own "storms." The line about midnight meeting the morning still brings me to tears as I remember those long, lonely nights, rocking my colicky baby, watching the moon make its way across the dark sky, praying for the rising of the sun. 


"Jesus Draw me Ever Nearer"


Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.

And, of course, I can't forget the hymns I sing every day as I rock my child to sleep:

"Children of the Heavenly Father"

Children of the heav’nly Father
Safely in His bosom gather;
Nestling bird nor star in Heaven
Such a refuge e’er was given.

God His own doth tend and nourish;
In His holy courts they flourish;
From all evil things He spares them;
In His mighty arms He bears them.

Neither life nor death shall ever
From the Lord His children sever;
Unto them His grace He showeth,
And their sorrows all He knoweth.

Though He giveth and He taketh,
God His children ne’er forsaketh;
His the loving purpose solely
To preserve them pure and holy.

Lo, their very hairs He numbers,
And no daily care encumbers
Them that share His ev’ry blessing
And His help in woes distressing.

Praise the Lord in joyful numbers:
Your Protector never slumbers.
At the will of your Defender
Ev’ry foeman must surrender.

(another good reminder that God is with us through those long night-watches!)

"Day by Day" 

1. Day by day, and with each passing moment,
   Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
   Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
   I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
   He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
   Gives unto each day what He deems best—
   Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
   Mingling toil with peace and rest.
2. Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
   With a special mercy for each hour;
   All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
   He Whose Name is Counselor and Pow’r.
   The protection of His child and treasure
   Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
   “As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
   This the pledge to me He made.
3. (Sometimes we need a new mercy each hour! I am so thankful that my Lord will give me the strength I need to make it through each day. No more, no less, but exactly what we need.)
4. Help me then in every tribulation
   So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
   That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
   Offered me within Thy holy Word.
   Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
   E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
   One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
   Till I reach the promised land.

"Trust and Obey"

"Trust and obey

For there's no other way

To be happy in Jesus

But to trust and obey."

My Thoughts on Saying "No"

As expressed in the title, these are just my thoughts. I'm not suggesting a parenting method, just saying what resonates with me and seems to work with my daughter. I'm no expert, I just know my kid. Everyone is different, and my views may change someday when a new child comes along. Maybe you'll like it and adopt some of my techniques. Maybe you'll disagree and tell me the totally opposite method that you employ. Either way, I hope you enjoy reading it, and I'm always up for hearing new ideas!

I recently heard about a parenting philosophy that suggested parents shouldn't say "no" to their children. The concern was that it would stifle their creative spirit, or something. I would never want to crush my daughter's individuality by forcing conformity, but I believe that we all must learn to respect appropriate boundaries. I want my little one to understand that the world does not revolve around her, there are other people who deserve her consideration, and she simply cannot do exactly what she wants whenever she wants. Also, I would very much like to keep her alive as long as possible. "No" can help with that.

That being said, I have to admit I actually do make an effort to avoid the word "no." I'm not some wishy-washy parent who is afraid to confront her own progeny, though, I swear! Here, in no particular order, are my reasons for avoiding (not eliminating) the use of the word "no" in my interactions with my daughter:

1. If I said "no" for everything she wasn't supposed to have/touch/do/go/eat/say, etc. then practically EVERYTHING in her world would be "NO!" Or at least, it would seem that way.
2. I reallllly didn't want "NO!" to be her first word (it was her second...). I figured I'd hear her say it enough later on, I'd rather delay her acquisition of this vocabulary as long as possible.
3. She is extremely strong-willed, and when I say "no," she responds by throwing a fit. I'm not afraid of her tantrums, and I don't back down in this battle of wills, but the thought of dealing with tantrums all day, every day was terribly unappealing to me (see reason number one).
4. I want her to take me seriously when I say "no." Like the boy who cried wolf, if everything is "no," it would lose it's potency over time (especially if I became weary from all those tantrums!), and then where would we be when her response was REALLY important?

So, what does it mean to "not say no?" Unlike the suggestions I heard such as "try to redirect them" or "give them options" I simply rephrase my cease-and-desist order. The words are different, but the message is the same: "That behavior is unacceptable." But I hope the message is improved, because I try to include the reason why, or suggest a preferable alternative. The way I see it, "NO!" is like stopping a car with a brick wall: effective, but painful. I'd like to help her come to a halt a bit more gently. It will lower her gas mileage and extend the life of her brake pads. Here are some of my tactics:

• "That's mama's. Here, this one is yours." (not only does she learn to respect other people's property, but she learns possessive pronouns, too!)
• "It's not time for X" (An important lesson to learn from Ecclesiastes 3)
• "That will hurt you!" (pretty self explanatory)
• "Give that to mama please." (I have found this one incredibly useful as toddlers seem to really enjoy giving things to people!)
• "YUCK!" (we're still working on this one. She has actually learned to recognize things I might identify as "gross," such as trash cans, toilets, garbage on the sidewalk, drinking her dirty bath water, etc. but she thinks the yucky sounds I make are hilarious, so she will display interest in them just to hear my reaction. Thankfully she is starting to make her own yucky sounds, and I'm hoping I can reinforce the behavior that goes with the funny noise. Also, we have an alphabet book that uses "Yak" for the letter "Y." She thinks I'm saying "yuck." It's her favorite page.)
• "Come here, please." (someone once pointed out that when we tell a child "don't X," the only verb the child hears is the unwanted behavior (X). She suggested that we might try using--or including--the desired behavior as well. Makes sense to me.)

I still say "no" a lot, and she still doesn't like it. But I try to reserve "No" for when I really mean it (when you need to throw up that proverbial brick wall in front of your child). These are typically matters of health and safety (for her, or for those around her). Some things that are definite "No's:"

• Walking into the street. (I frequently explain to her that "streets are for cars, sidewalks are for people," but if she's making a break for it, then "NO!" or "STOP!" is what she's going to hear!)
• Putting things in the toilet (mainly fingers, but not exclusively. this is an ongoing struggle)
• Getting too close to the oven/stove (I used duct tape to draw a line on our kitchen floor. She knows not to cross that boundary. Of course, whether she conforms to that rule is another story)
• Picking up an object identified as "yuck" (I do NOT want my kid eating the cigarette buts on the sidewalk outside our apartment!!! Like the street, this one is explained in other terms first. The "no!" comes when she  pays no heed and goes straight for the nastiness)
• Pinching, hitting, and other forms of intentional violence. (I follow this one up with "That hurts! Be gentle!" in an effort to encourage the desired behavior. So far there is no progress in this regard. Any suggestions on how to deal with a child who pinches when she's frustrated?)

The nice thing right now is that she's still small enough (and slow enough) that I can physically stop her if she refuses to obey. I'm trying to teach her these lessons before that ceases to be the case. Progress is slow, but blessedly present. I often feel like I'm herding a cat, or raising a hyperactive kleptomaniac, but God continues to bless me with glimpses of obedience. Nothing makes me more proud than when my daughter demonstrates some measure of self-control. Given her temperament (we knew she was a stubborn and opinionated little fighter by the second trimester!), I have prayed she would learn self-control more often than any of the other spiritual fruit.

Of course, in order to develop spiritual fruit, you have to have the Holy Spirit working in your life. And to that end, the thing I pray for her the most is that she would one day come to the realization that seeking her own way will never lead to satisfaction or fulfillment; that when she follows her own desires she becomes a slave to them; that her attempts to live in complete conformity and obedience will also fail; and that no matter how sweet, brilliant, creative, thoughtful, determined or beautiful she is (and I believe she is all of those things!), she will never live up to the perfect standard set before her. At least, not on her own. I pray that these truths will drive her to the One who has seen her weakness, who knows her failings, who has felt her rebellion, and loves her just the same. 

"What's Your Secret?"

*Warning: This is a confession post. I have no brilliant tips or strategies except the advice that I need to be following myself.

"Losing the baby weight." My goodness, I had no idea what an obsession that was until I started gaining my own! Surf the web and you will find page after page of diets, exercises, and other contraptions to help you on your journey to get your "pre-pregnancy body" back. There are even photo galleries for mommies to show off their post-baby-bellies online!

Because several of my friends have also recently had babies, I've had the privilege of hearing all about the wonderful and creative ways they have found to get back in shape. I took notes as one friend shared what she is learning about healthy foods and how to make reasonable diet/lifestyle changes that will get her whole family on the road to excellent health; I've been inspired by a friend who trained for (and completed) a triathlon (talk about hard core!); and was delighted to hear about a friend who took up ballet again after several years away from the art. The creativity, research, discipline, motivation and extra effort that this takes is tremendous, and I just think it is so awesome to hear about everything people are doing for the sake of their health.

That's why I cringe whenever anyone asks me what I've been doing.

I lost all of my pregnancy weight within the first 10 weeks of my daughter's life. A year later, I weigh what I did back in high school. I grimace whenever anyone asks me what my secret is, because, honestly, I'm ashamed of my answer. I want to keep it a secret. I say this because I haven't really been doing anything.

Chocolate? What chocolate?

While my other friends are making smart choices, working towards a goal, and intentionally seeking things that will promote their health, I have not. What's my secret? My secret is a tiny, colicky task master who wouldn't let me sleep, eat, or stop moving for almost 12 months. There is nothing healthy about exhaustion. My diet was "grab whatever little bits you can while she's quiet." There were no meals, there was very little cooking, and grocery shopping usually ended abruptly due to a screeching infant, so my diet was mainly pre-packaged, non-perishable items, aka "junk food." Thankfully, I was never able to eat more than a few nibbles here or there, so at least my intake was limited.

My exercise plan was pretty similar. I think I have only intentionally "worked out" three times since my daughter was born. However, every day (and most of the night during the early months!) was spent carrying around a baby who was rapidly increasing in size and weight, dancing around and bouncing her up and down, in the only repetitive motions that seemed to soothe her. Add to that the fact that she loves the stroller (for a while it was the only place she would sleep other than my arms), and you end up walking EVERYWHERE! It's pretty typical for us to walk several miles in the course of an afternoon. I should get a pedometer... Did I mention that she starts to cry if you move too slowly? 

Our trusty Phil&Ted's jogging stroller that has traveled
 countless miles through rain, wind and snow, soothing a fussy baby!

Yes, I lost a lot of weight, and I lost it FAST, but it only came as a side-effect of exhaustion and mal-nourishment. I'm probably one of the least healthy mommies I know. 

I was thinking about that, and realizing that everything I said about my physical diet could be said of my spiritual diet, as well. Just like cooking and meals, I almost never had the time to sit quietly with my Bible, reading, studying, and praying. I would try to "grab whatever bits I could" by listening to the audio Bible on biblegateway.com, putting verses around the house, singing hymns I had memorized, and reading Bible stories to my baby, but I filled my time with a lot of "junk food," too. Watching TV while rocking a fussy infant seems appealing, but it's never as satisfying as you want it to be. I spend way too much time watching hulu and stalking friends on facebook, and not enough time making a conscious effort to consume healthy, worthwhile things. 

The weight loss that comes from physical starvation can be viewed as a pleasant side-effect if you're hoping to shed some pounds, but spiritual starvation only leaves you scrawny, weak, and hungry. Physically, you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me that I was unhealthy. On the outside I appear fit and active, but on the inside I'm missing all kinds of nutrients. I think spiritual starvation is more readily apparent. I can put on a good face for a while, but I just can't seem to grow those "fruits of the spirit" like I want to:

• Love? It feels like everything I do these days is out of a selfish motivation. 
• Joy and Peace? I'm constantly grumbling or upset about little things that have gone wrong, or expectations that have not been met (nevermind how many expectations I've failed to meet for others!).
•  Patience? I've lost count of how many times I've snapped at someone or lost my temper this week, and it's only Tuesday! 
• Kindness, Goodness, and Gentleness? If you're selfish, short-tempered and grumbling, there's not a lot of room for those things in your heart! 
• Faithfulness? Don't get me started on how many promises have been broken, how many commitments have fallen through, how many emails remain unanswered, projects unfinished, housework undone, the list goes on...
• Self-Control? Please, make it stop!

This cannot go on. I'm miserable, and my family is suffering, too.


My precious daughter has mellowed out quite a bit now that she's almost 15 months, toddling around, and able to use baby sign-language to communicate some of her basic wants and needs. She's still perhaps a little more "high needs" than other babies her age, but all in all, she is worlds better than she was! We're finally coming out of "survival mode" and beginning to figure out ways to help our household run smoothly. 

Feeding my family (myself included), physically and spiritually, is at the top of my list. For now, we're just taking baby steps (no pun intended... I think) like buying more fresh produce (I'm so very thankful for our neighborhood farmer's market!), keeping track of what everyone has eaten that day (how much has been protein, fruits, vegetables, junk food, etc), praying before meals, and reading a bible story together every morning. God also sent me a hidden blessing by crashing my computer's hard-drive, so there has been a significant decrease in the amount of time I have managed to waste online ("Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways." Psalm 119:37)! I can only pray that these small changes will quickly become easy habits, and we can begin to add more and more. 

I think I'll hold off on those marathon aspirations for now, "but the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day..." (Proverbs 4:18)

This little board book of the parable of the lost sheep is one of her favorites.
 I think it has something to do with the "baa!" sounds mommy makes...

Love is...

I've been thinking about this for a long time, but I have been really hesitant to write this post, because I am so afraid it will come out sounding preachy and self-righteous. I DONOT want that! In fact, this post is partly for me to come forward and communicate just how lost and helpless I have felt in the last several months.

Before we were married, my husband and I took a marriage-prep class at our church. I heard one of the pastors define love as "zealously guarding the happiness of another." I had never heard it put that way, and I liked it. After mulling it over, I made a few tweaks of my own and came up with something slightly more complicated, but I felt it rounded out the concept in my mind a bit more: "Zealously guarding the well-being of another at one's own expense." I like that definition, I feel like it covers many different aspects. I shared it with my father tonight, and he gave me his simplified version: "putting others ahead of yourself." I love my Dad's way with words. Somehow, he always manages to communicate thoughtfully and efficiently.

I also remember the "blessing" he gave to my husband and me at our wedding. He quoted a Clint Black song called "Something That We Do." The lyrics continually return to the title message that "love isn't something that we find ... [it] isn't something that we have ... [it's] not just something that we're in ... Love isn't just those words we said ... [it] isn't someplace that we fall, it's something that we do."

I have heard many people say that marriage is refining. Sixteen months in, I can wholeheartedly agree! I have learned so much about how selfish and impatient I tend to be, and I have had so many opportunities to practice "putting others ahead of myself." I am fond of saying "it hasn't all been easy, but it's all been good." It's not always pleasant, but I am so thankful to be slowly learning how to love.

Then I had a baby.

Yikes.

I won't mince words, that first month was torture. Our poor baby was (and still is) terrifically fussy. She cried so much in her first few days that even the nurses were astonished. She was only 2 days old when she lost her voice from all the screaming. It was horrible, but it was to become a regular occurrence: she lost her voice about once a week until about a month ago when it went away and never came back. Our poor baby has been hoarse for a month, but that's another story. If she was awake, she was crying. She wouldn't sleep unless we were holding her, and even then she needed to be rocked and nursed.

Now, I want to reassure you that this is exceptional behavior, not the norm. Approximately 20% of babies fit into this "extremely fussy" category, and our little one's condition was exacerbated by undiagnosed acid reflux which was causing her pain. Please don't let this scare you away from babies, they really are lovely!

In addition to the fussy baby, I was recovering from a C-section and was weak, sore and had a difficult time getting around. It was a good two weeks before I was able to manage anything more than shuffling around the apartment. Usually after major abdominal surgery you are told to rest and take it easy, but I had an infant who needed to be cared for and comforted constantly. She didn't know I was supposed to be resting. I was also experiencing extreme pain while nursing (another story, the details of which I will spare you. Suffice it to say that this too is abnormal), and this made me dread the task of feeding my baby--the one thing which seemed to calm her down!

Add to all this the fact that my husband is in his medical residency and was on overnight calls at the hospital every few days and was absent most of the time, and exhausted when he was home.

The first two months were a nightmarish ordeal. I was in excruciating pain, utterly exhausted, emotionally drained, and very alone. My only company during those long days and even longer nights was this tiny, needy creature who just. Wouldn't. Stop. Crying! I have never felt more helpless, more defeated than I did then.

I often find myself candidly telling people about this, describing my frustration with a child who refused to be comforted, the infuriation of a baby who screams when there doesn't seem to be anything wrong. I decide to be honest and tell them how many times I wanted to shake her and yell at her to shut up (which I never did), and I am met by shocked and horrified stares.

"How could you say such a thing?!" they ask.

"Don't you love your baby?!?!"

Yes.

Yes I love her.

I love her dearly.

I love her so much I would do anything for her.

I love her so much that I DIDN'T shake her.

I love her so much that I bounced her around the apartment, even though I could barely stand.

I love her so much that I nursed her every time she was hungry, even though the pain was so great that it often caused me to weep.

I love her so much that I held her through the night, watching the moon make it's lonely way across the night sky, just so that she could sleep, even though it meant no rest for me.

I love her so much that I gave her absolutely everything I possibly had to give. I poured out my life and my soul and my strength day after day, even though I got nothing in return except more fussing.

If love is warm fuzzy feelings about someone, then no. No, I didn't love my baby during those first two months.

But if love is "zealously guarding the well-being of another at your own expense," or more concisely, "putting others ahead of yourself," then yes I do love her.

I love her more than I will ever be able to express.

And yet I still lose my patience, I still get frustrated, I am still terribly selfish. Every day I get a little taste of just how much more I have to learn, how very imperfect I am. And every day I become more thankful that there is Someone who loves me in spite of all of that. Someone who loved me enough to take all the consequences of my shortcomings upon Himself. Someone who loved me enough to die for me. To learn more about this, ask me, or click here.

Foods I Have Craved During Pregnancy (thus far...):

1. Ritz crackers
2. Canned peaches
3. French fries
(these first three were all I wanted/felt I could eat when I had morning sickness, but we spent 2 weeks in Taiwan, and could find NONE of these things!!!)
4. Potato chips
5. POPCORN!
6. BAGELS!
7. MACARONI AND CHEESE!
8. Taco Bell soft tacos (ask me about our fancy date night!)
9. Crab rangoon
10. Soft pretzels (I've wanted one for months, and STILL haven't had one!)
11. Refried beans (last week, I had homemade burritos every day for lunch: refried beans, cheese, avocado and diced tomato. YUM!)
12. Pickles (yep, I'm a cliche!)

I've also been on a citrus kick lately (oranges, clementines, grapefruit, yum!), and mozzarella sticks sound really good to me right about now... ;)