Christmas Stories

The Christmas season is upon us, and my family is starting a new tradition this year of unwrapping a new Christmas book each day leading up to Christmas. We owned several winter/Christmas themed books already, but we needed to add to our collection, so I began searching for some old favorites. After sharing some of these stories with my daughter, I realized that some of them were fairly dark:

“The Small One” by Charles Tazewell, is about a donkey who is too small and too old to do the heavy work required, and must be sold, but nobody will buy this sorry creature except the tanner. Just when the young owner has given up hope of saving his beloved donkey’s life, a man comes along. He doesn’t have much money, but he has a pregnant wife, and a long journey ahead of him to a little town called Bethlehem…

“A Tale of Three Trees” is a folk tale about one tree who hopes to be made into a treasure chest, another who dreams of being a great sailing ship for kings, and a third who longs to remain on the hilltop forever, pointing proudly to the heavens. All three are cut down, and the first is turned into a feedbox for animals, the second into a humble fishing boat, and the third is hewn into rough beams and left in a lumber yard. Years pass as the trees each mourn their dreams. But one day, the feedbox is surprised when it is used to hold a baby, the fishing boat carries a man who can calm a storm, and the third is made into a cross.

In “the Other Wise Man,” by Henry Van Dyke, Artaban plans to join his fellow Magi to give gifts to a newborn king. On his way to meet his companions, he is delayed when he stops to help a dying man on the road. When he gets to Bethlehem, he is too late: the holy family has fled to Egypt. Herod’s soldiers arrive to kill all the baby boys, and he saves a child by bribing the soldier who comes for him. He spends the next 33 years searching to no avail, gradually giving away all of the wealth he had brought for Jesus except for one pearl. He finally arrives in Jerusalem only to discover that the King for whom he has been searching is about to be crucified. As he rushes to see, he encounters a girl who is to be sold into slavery to pay off her father’s debts. He buys her freedom with his final treasure, just as Jesus dies on the cross. He is injured during the earthquake, and is ushered into heaven with words from Matthew 25:40 “Inasmuch as you have done to the least of these, my brethren, you have done it unto me.”

Why do I love these stories so much? These are tales of broken dreams: A worthless donkey destined for the glue factory; Trees filled with hopes for great purpose, being used in lowly, demeaning ways; A Magi who spent his whole life searching for the King, but arrives empty-handed only to find him dying.

But more than that, these are tales of redemption: The worthless donkey carries Mary to Bethlehem and is present at the birth of the Christ child. The manger tree holds the greatest treasure in the world, the fishing boat tree carries the King of Kings, and the final tree stands high on its hilltop, pointing the world to Heaven. Artaban’s life goal was to meet Jesus and give him the finest gifts money could buy, and though he thought his mission a failure, he learns in the end that every act of kindness, every generous gift was given to God, and his faithful seeking came to an end when he met the King face to face in His glorious kingdom.

These are not just stories, they are our stories. How many of us feel, like the donkey, that we have nothing to offer anyone? How many of us dreamed like the trees of a perfect job and grand life, only to find ourselves working for low-wages outside our chosen field just to pay off our student loans? How many of us feel like our whole life has been wasted on a failed mission? We all need redemption.

The donkey wasn’t chosen because he was special, he became special because he was chosen. The roughly hewn trees held no intrinsic beauty or worth of their own, but they became timeless symbols of the greatest story ever told because of who they held. Artaban spent his whole life hoping to pay tribute to the new King, without realizing that he already was serving him everywhere he went. Jesus made them beautiful. Jesus made them treasures. Jesus fulfilled their dreams in ways they never could have guessed.

So friends, if you question your value, know that Christ has deemed you precious enough to die for.  If you feel unworthy, remember that Jesus has offered himself to be judged in your place, so that when God looks at you, he doesn’t see the crude vessel, he sees his perfect Son. If you feel lost and searching, God will meet you where you are. “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21

If you find yourself seeking, or longing for redemption, I would encourage you to start here, or here.

Who's Teaching Who?

I get to teach the Kindergarten-2nd grade sunday school class at my church once or twice a month. I love getting to spend time with the kids, and I've always loved teaching in general, but the thing I find most humbling is that, even though my audience is 5-7 year-olds, and the stories are the same ones I've heard since infancy, I am still learning and benefitting from the same truths that I am teaching to the children. The craziest part is that I usually don't realize how much I needed to hear that lesson myself until Sunday morning, as the words are coming out of my mouth and the Holy Spirit is pricking my heart and saying "listen!" It makes me marvel and rejoice at how timeless the truths of God are. It is simple enough for a child to understand, yet deep and complex and meaningful enough that we will never be able to plumb the depths of it's wisdom.

This week I taught the story of Jonah, and boy was I convicted! I felt like such a hypocrite, telling these things to the class when I myself hadn't been thinking about or following these words for much of my week. I'm so thankful to God that He never stops teaching me, and always finds creative ways to do it!

Here are a few of the lessons we all learned yesterday:

1. God wants us to marvel at His creation. And He wants us to remember that it all points back to Him. Anytime we admire stunning beauty, magnificent power, awe-inspiring magnitude, perfect order, mind-bending creativity, heart-warming goodness, or anything else that makes us smile or think "wow!" that it all comes from HIM, and is just a dim reflection, a tiny preview of His beauty, His power, His magnitude, His order, His creativity and His goodness.

2. God made the world, and He called it good, and he cares for everything He has made, but He cares most about people. He cares about even the WORST people. Jonah was angry at God for allowing a shade-giving plant to die, but the thought of an entire city being destroyed in a fiery explosion didn't bother him at all. Isn't that the same for me? Don't I so easily get frustrated when I lose something that provides me with comfort or makes my life easier? If I care so much about these things, then the least I could do is care for people more--even the hard-to-love people that drive me crazy. If God cared about the people of Nineveh, who were sworn enemies of God and His people, the same people who attacked and enslaved the Israelites, then I can show compassion on those around me, no matter how frustrated with them I feel.

3. Absolutely nothing happens outside the sovereign will of God. There are some things that He actively ordains to happen, and some things that He simply allows to happen (that's where our free will comes in), but if He really doesn't want something to happen, it simply cannot happen. God actively sent Jonah to Nineveh, and when Jonah tried to refuse, he was stopped in the most remarkable supernatural ways. Not only was there a storm that stopped as soon as he was tossed overboard, but he was somehow preserved alive in the belly of a giant fish for days before being vomited back onto dry land, of all things. I mean, seriously? There's no doubt in Jonah's mind how this all happened, and you'd better believe that the next time God told him to go, he went!

4. It is possible to obey God's commands with a bad attitude, but the only person suffering is you.  (see chapter 4) I really needed an attitude check last week, and this was a pretty good kick-in-the-pants reminder!

So what about you? What and how has God been teaching you these days? :)

Reviewing my Reflections from the 'Refuel' Retreat. Or just: "Remember."

Gordon and I have the privilege of being "adult mentors" for Crossroads, our church's university ministry. We're still trying to wrap our heads around the fact that we are passing off as adults, much less mentors, but that's not what this post is about. Every year the group has a weekend Fall retreat in a beautiful rural area by a lake in Michigan. There's always great teaching, worship, bonding, new friendships, hilarious skits, beautiful scenery, and generally a very spiritually refreshing and encouraging time (hence, the title "Refuel").

The last time we attended the retreat (2 years ago), we took our then 5-month-old colicky daughter, and it was a nightmare. She didn't sleep well in her own bed, and the new environment had her freaked out like nobody's business. She screamed the whole 3.5 hour car ride up there, refused to sleep, and would cry unless I held her (and I had to be standing and rocking/bouncing, too. No sitting allowed). I spent the entire weekend holding a fussy baby, spending both nights in the glider rocking chair that Divine Providence placed in the living room of the house we were staying. Then she screamed all the way home, too. Not a refreshing time.

This year we decided NOT to take children! Kaja stayed with her grandparents, and the little guy we're hosting through Safe Families stayed with another host family for the weekend (they had hosted him before and were so excited to see this sweet baby again!). Poor Gordon had to work, so I was on my own for the Retreat. It was weird not having my family there, and I went through a little withdrawal, but after I got over the shakes, I determined to make the most of my time.

The speaker for the weekend was Peter Frey, a Crossorads alum. I was thinking of adjectives to describe his teaching, and I came up with "passionate" and "biblical." Then I looked at his website and realized I wasn't the only one who thought that (it's so true)! He had excellent things to say, and it was an incredible blessing not just to hear him teach, but also to reconnect a little bit with his wife, Mary, who is pretty much awesome in every way (we were in the same small group once upon a time)!

The theme for the weekend was "Hearing God's Voice." In the first session, Peter reflected on the way God seems so easy to hear and focus on when we're at a retreat, away from the stress and distractions, out enjoying creation far from the hustle and bustle and noise of our daily lives. He said it wasn't that God was speaking louder in those moments, but that we were actually taking the time to listen. One of the overarching points for the weekend was that God never stops speaking to us.

There was a significant amount of free time where I had the opportunity to ponder what we had heard. I found my mind wandering to the last time I was here at the retreat, struggling with the burden of a colicky infant. I began to reflect on how much things had changed in the last two years. I thought about how far we had come, how miraculous it was that we all survived, but most of all, I remembered the way God spoke to me in those times. It was then, in the darkest, loneliest moments, when I didn't think I could physically make it another hour, when I was at the end of my rope and feeling more desperate than I had ever felt before, that God ministered to me in the most profound ways. Help is most appreciated by those who are most in need. It was in the dark solitude of the night watches that He reassured me "I will never leave you, nor forsake you" (Joshua 1:5); "The Lord who watches over you... will neither slumber nor sleep" (Ps. 121); "The Lord is my light and my salvation" (Ps. 27). It was when my strength was ready to give way, when I was exhausted and shaking from fatigue that I remembered it was "the Everlasting God, Creator of the ends of the earth" who "gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak" (Isaiah 40).  It was then I was able to say "my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Ps. 73).

Once the door was opened, memories flooded back to me. Memories of all the times I really felt like I heard God's voice. As I thought back over the years, over the trials, the frustrations, the triumphs, the blessings, the highs and lows and every moment that I had found myself standing in awe of God, I realized something. Just like Peter had said, God never stops speaking those things. It seems so obvious, so simple, but GOD. NEVER. CHANGES.

So think back. Think about all the times you've been truly moved by God. Think about the comfort you've received when you were hurting. Think about the times you said "it would take a miracle to pull this off!" and a miracle happened. Think about the days you were so humbled by the tremendous grace He showed. Think about the times you lost yourself in the marvelous beauty of His creation. Every time in your life that His power made you tremble, His goodness made you dance for joy, His forgiveness set you free, His people became your family, His faithfulness made you want to declare it to the world--all of the truly awe-inspiring moments where you realized you had truly seen God.

And now remember that He "is the same, yesterday, today, and forever." (Heb. 13) God says "I the Lord do not change" (Malachi 3:6). He is all of those things, all the time. He is all of those things right now. Right. Now.

And yet today, only 5 days out from the retreat, I find myself already running on empty. I came back to real life, and it hit hard. Both kids came home with nasty viruses (different ones at that, so I get to worry about them giving it to the other!), Gordon was at a conference in Seattle, and I was confronted with the very worst of myself. Anxiously worrying about the children, growing bitter at the sleepless nights bouncing from one sick bed to another, patience wearing thin and temper flaring as I struggled to meet the needs of my tired, fussy little ones. This afternoon I threw up my hands and said "Everything I got out of the retreat is already gone!" And that's when I realized (once again) what an idiot I was. Because the truth I got out of the retreat was that it doesn't matter where you are right now, because God never changes. He is always at His best and His greatest, whether we realize it or not. 

So my goal for tonight, and tomorrow, and next week, is just one thing: to remember. Not even to remember one specific thing, just to remember God. Anything about God. Because I know that all of it is always true. "The Lord is righteous in all His ways, and faithful in all he does." (Ps. 145) "in Him there is no darkness." (1 John 1)

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.

He Giveth More Grace (by Annie J. Flint)

1. He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
   He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
   To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
   To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.
2. When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
   When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
   When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
   Our Father’s full giving is only begun.
3. Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
   Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
   Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
   The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.
4. His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
   His power no boundary known unto men;
   For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
   He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Great is Thy Faithfulness (Thomas O. Chisholm)

Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
there is no shadow of turning with thee;
thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not;
as thou hast been thou forever will be.
Refrain:
Great is thy faithfulness! Great is thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
all I have needed thy hand hath provided;
great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
sun, moon and stars in their courses above
join with all nature in manifold witness
to thy great faithfulness, mercy and love. Refrain

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! Refrain

Nebulizer treatments for everyone!!!
These kids are real troopers, and I'm so glad they're on the mend!
Praise God for modern medicine!

What would YOU do?

Today, poor, stir-crazy Kaja was so excited to walk to the park, but decided to create a power struggle over her shoes, of all things! She LOVES shoes, and is so proud that she can put them on by herself now. I was shocked. You wouldn't expect "Come put on your shoes, please, so we can go to the park!" to incite rebellion, but today it did. I guess it was a reflection of the state of her heart at the moment, and a good picture of all our hearts, really. It seemed so easy: She wanted to go to the park, she likes to put on shoes, let's do one so we can go to the other. But she resisted. She just froze. When I called her again, she stubbornly sat down. When I asked her if she wanted to go to the park, she said "yes!" but she wouldn't budge. I gently reminded her several times that we couldn't go to the park if she didn't wear shoes, and she sat, immovable, silent. The more I coaxed, the harder she resisted until I finally announced that we weren't going to the park. You can imagine the devastation that followed.

I found myself throwing my hands up in frustration that my daughter couldn't see the common sense in the situation, but very quickly realized that, once again, I was looking at my own reflection.

Our Bible study just finished Deuteronomy, and I was struck by the clarity in Deuteronomy 30:11-20

 "Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach... No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it.

See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.

But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob."

It's so simple! Love and obey the Lord, because he is the source of life. Choose obedience and choose life. Any other choice is death. Shouldn't be hard, right? 

Right?

I recently illustrated this concept in the kindergarten-2nd grade Sunday school class this way: 

Imagine you're stranded out on the open ocean. There's no land in sight, you see sharks starting to circle, and you're sinking fast. Now imagine that a lifeboat comes for you. You scramble in and the captain says "I'm taking you home, all you have to do is stay in the boat and you'll be safe." Will you follow his directions? It would be so foolish to jump back in the water! The water means certain death, the boat is life.

It seems so simple, but over and over I make the choice to jump back in the water, to do things myself, to make my own way, under my own power. Every day I find myself treading water when there's a motorboat right there, waiting to take me home.

Colossians 1:16-17 says "For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible... all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." He made me. He is the only reason these molecules are sticking together to form my body. How could I possibly think I am capable of doing anything apart from him? Moses put it so nicely above: "The Lord is your life."

Yet here we are, struggling to keep our heads above water, sinking fast in a sea of entropy and darkness, insisting that we are enough on our own. Oh, how we need a Rescuer!

Today, Kaja refused to obey my sensible request, so she didn't get to go to the park.

In my Sunday School illustration, the passengers who didn't stay in the boat never made it home.

In Exodus, the Israelites refused to obey the One True God who had proved Himself to them over and over, and an entire generation died in the wilderness, never making it to the promised land.

All of these stories have a destination, and so does ours. God is preparing an eternal kingdom, where we will live forever with a loving God in a magnificent and perfect world, free from all suffering and pain. But we've jumped ship. God is our life, our very source of being, but Isaiah says "everyone has turned to his own way." Romans says "all have sinned and fall short." None of us will make it to our destination if left to our own devices. 

When I look at it in this light, it seems so obvious. Rebellion is absolutely futile and foolish, yet our sinful nature constantly drives us deeper into our empty, helpless selves, and away from the promised Good that awaits. I watched my daughter shut down, throw up walls and grow increasingly miserable when she could have been playing in the sunshine at the park, all because she didn't want to put on shoes. Come to think of it, she probably did want to put on shoes, she just didn't want to obey me. 

When she calmed down, we talked (in a simplified way) about these things. I reminded her that when we rebel it is called sin, and that the punishment for sin is death. I confessed to her that mommy sins daily, too (she knows my shortcomings better than most!), but that God loves us so much that he sent Jesus to die in our place. He took our punishment so we don't have to die, and he came back to life so that we could live forever with him. He is our Rescuer, who has come to save us from the depths and lead us home.

Tonight, as I do most nights, I asked her what her "long name" is. "Kristjana," she answered. "Do you know what Kristjana means?" I ask. "Follow Jesus!" And with a kiss, I whisper into her ear the reason we gave her that name: "So you will never forget what is most important."

And that is what I pray for my headstrong, independent, capricious, feisty, stubborn, mercurial, determined, force-of-nature of a daughter: That when she finds herself lost and overcome (which, if she's my daughter, will probably be often), she will remember that whisper in her ear, telling her the Way home:

"Follow Jesus..."

Our Home

I looked around at our apartment tonight, thinking about how cluttered it was, listing all the projects I wanted to try, looking at the floors that need to be refinished, wondering if I was ever going to fix the organizer that got ripped off the wall, sighing as I saw the chaotic piles closing in on me from every corner, realizing how very different this place was from the way I thought it would be.
Then I looked around at our home and saw our life.
I remembered the brand new wood floors, put in just before we were married, and I saw the ground-in dirt at the entryway from all the guests and family we've welcomed into our home, and the scuffs and stains around the table from the meals we've shared.
I remembered the pristine walls, freshly painted, giving a clean, open, serene feel to the room. Then I saw the pictures of our lives together, the messy artwork our toddler so proudly taped up herself, the stains behind the couch(!) from the food our daughter devoured so happily, the gaping hole from that poor organizer, torn down by a child we took in for a month so his mother could get back on her feet.
I remember how spacious and airy our living room once felt, then I saw how full it has become from all the furniture, books, and toys which inevitably come when you add more people to your family.
I remember how I spent the first few months of our marriage meticulously organizing every nook and cranny, a place for everything and everything in its place. Then I thought of our toddler sleeping in the walk-in closet, our valuable storage space now holding something far more precious.

It's so easy for me to look around at this place and see the mess, the clutter, the scars, and the lack of space. So often I grow discouraged at how out-of-control the mess feels, how poorly decorated our apartment is compared to my friends, how I just don't have the time, space and resources to do with this place what I would have liked.
This place is so very far from what I imagined it would be when we first moved in as newlyweds, but our lives have turned out so very different from what we expected.
Tonight, I remembered that this apartment has been our home for the last three years. We have lived our lives in this place, not some fantasy daydream life where everything fits perfectly in lovely bins bought with coupons at the dollar store (and now you know what I daydream about...). This place has been our home through the exhaustion of medical residency, the sleepless nights with a colicky baby, loss of loved ones,  the heartbreak of miscarriage. This has been our home when we held each-other and wept, and when we jumped around laughing for joy. It has seen insecurity, sickness, fear, depression, defeat, bitterness, and sacrifice, but it has also seen healing, comfort, growth, hope, unconditional love, and faithfulness.
It has welcomed family, hosted dear friends, been a home-away-from-home for college students, taken in at-risk children. It's where our marriage started, and the only home our daughter has ever known.
It may not be as pretty as a magazine, but to me, and I hope to the many others who have graced it with their presence, it is a thing of beauty.

Our lives have not been serene, but they have been full. Our lives have not been organized, things did not happen "as planned," but praise God, we are learning to be flexible and receive each moment, each new adventure or challenge as a chance to learn and grow in Him.
This is the story of our family, this is a reflection of our lives together, this is a testament to the goodness and faithfulness of our marvelous Creator.
It's not pristine, it's not pretty, but it is magnificent. It is a thing of wonder, and there's no place I would rather be.

And the best part is, we're just getting started!!!

Groanings Too Deep for Words

Life can be hard for babies. They have all these needs and emotions and questions and absolutely no capacity to understand or communicate any of it, poor things! I remember when my daughter was just days old, and voicing some concerns she had about her living situation. My sweet mother put words into her crying mouth, speaking for her "I don't know what's wrong, but fix it, Mommy!"

I had no idea how often I would hear that same "phrase," wailed over and over again in her desperate baby cries. Today was another difficult day. She's been going through a tough period the last few weeks, and I really can't figure out why. Maybe she's teething, maybe she's having a growth spurt, maybe she misses her daddy, who has had a tough work schedule this month, I don't know. Probably a combination of all three, plus other stuff I haven't even considered. Suffice it to say, there have been a lot of tears, and a lot of "I don't know what's wrong!" this week.

During one of her "fits" this afternoon, I spontaneously began to recite Romans 8:26-27:

"In the same way, the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us; with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts, knows what the mind of the Spirit is because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God."

So often I find myself in a similar sort of "funk," not being able to put my finger on what precisely is troubling me, only knowing that things aren't right, and I am unhappy. I find myself wailing to God, "I don't know what's wrong, but fix it!" How glad I am that God's understanding is so much more clear than mine! I'm often at a loss when my daughter cries, but God is never lost. He searches the heart, and knows the mind, and His Spirit fills in the gaps when we simply can't.

In the same way that I hold my precious daughter close, shield her with my arms, and whisper love and encouragement in her ear, so my God holds me close, speaks to me with love, protects me with His outstretched hand. I see my child in distress and want so desperately to find out what is wrong, to help her through her trouble. So does God.

Thank you, Lord, for listening to my groans, for understanding what even I do not, for interceding on my behalf. Thank you for your steadfast love. Teach me to love my own child in the same way.


I have a little card that lists "31 Biblical Virtues to pray for your kids" by Bob Hostetler. I use it as a bookmark in the "One Year Bible Storybook" that I read with Kaja. It makes it easy to pray the virtue for the corresponding day of the month. How fitting that today, the 29th, is Prayerfulness: "Grant, Lord, that my children's lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests" (Eph. 6:18).

"What's Your Secret?"

*Warning: This is a confession post. I have no brilliant tips or strategies except the advice that I need to be following myself.

"Losing the baby weight." My goodness, I had no idea what an obsession that was until I started gaining my own! Surf the web and you will find page after page of diets, exercises, and other contraptions to help you on your journey to get your "pre-pregnancy body" back. There are even photo galleries for mommies to show off their post-baby-bellies online!

Because several of my friends have also recently had babies, I've had the privilege of hearing all about the wonderful and creative ways they have found to get back in shape. I took notes as one friend shared what she is learning about healthy foods and how to make reasonable diet/lifestyle changes that will get her whole family on the road to excellent health; I've been inspired by a friend who trained for (and completed) a triathlon (talk about hard core!); and was delighted to hear about a friend who took up ballet again after several years away from the art. The creativity, research, discipline, motivation and extra effort that this takes is tremendous, and I just think it is so awesome to hear about everything people are doing for the sake of their health.

That's why I cringe whenever anyone asks me what I've been doing.

I lost all of my pregnancy weight within the first 10 weeks of my daughter's life. A year later, I weigh what I did back in high school. I grimace whenever anyone asks me what my secret is, because, honestly, I'm ashamed of my answer. I want to keep it a secret. I say this because I haven't really been doing anything.

Chocolate? What chocolate?

While my other friends are making smart choices, working towards a goal, and intentionally seeking things that will promote their health, I have not. What's my secret? My secret is a tiny, colicky task master who wouldn't let me sleep, eat, or stop moving for almost 12 months. There is nothing healthy about exhaustion. My diet was "grab whatever little bits you can while she's quiet." There were no meals, there was very little cooking, and grocery shopping usually ended abruptly due to a screeching infant, so my diet was mainly pre-packaged, non-perishable items, aka "junk food." Thankfully, I was never able to eat more than a few nibbles here or there, so at least my intake was limited.

My exercise plan was pretty similar. I think I have only intentionally "worked out" three times since my daughter was born. However, every day (and most of the night during the early months!) was spent carrying around a baby who was rapidly increasing in size and weight, dancing around and bouncing her up and down, in the only repetitive motions that seemed to soothe her. Add to that the fact that she loves the stroller (for a while it was the only place she would sleep other than my arms), and you end up walking EVERYWHERE! It's pretty typical for us to walk several miles in the course of an afternoon. I should get a pedometer... Did I mention that she starts to cry if you move too slowly? 

Our trusty Phil&Ted's jogging stroller that has traveled
 countless miles through rain, wind and snow, soothing a fussy baby!

Yes, I lost a lot of weight, and I lost it FAST, but it only came as a side-effect of exhaustion and mal-nourishment. I'm probably one of the least healthy mommies I know. 

I was thinking about that, and realizing that everything I said about my physical diet could be said of my spiritual diet, as well. Just like cooking and meals, I almost never had the time to sit quietly with my Bible, reading, studying, and praying. I would try to "grab whatever bits I could" by listening to the audio Bible on biblegateway.com, putting verses around the house, singing hymns I had memorized, and reading Bible stories to my baby, but I filled my time with a lot of "junk food," too. Watching TV while rocking a fussy infant seems appealing, but it's never as satisfying as you want it to be. I spend way too much time watching hulu and stalking friends on facebook, and not enough time making a conscious effort to consume healthy, worthwhile things. 

The weight loss that comes from physical starvation can be viewed as a pleasant side-effect if you're hoping to shed some pounds, but spiritual starvation only leaves you scrawny, weak, and hungry. Physically, you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me that I was unhealthy. On the outside I appear fit and active, but on the inside I'm missing all kinds of nutrients. I think spiritual starvation is more readily apparent. I can put on a good face for a while, but I just can't seem to grow those "fruits of the spirit" like I want to:

• Love? It feels like everything I do these days is out of a selfish motivation. 
• Joy and Peace? I'm constantly grumbling or upset about little things that have gone wrong, or expectations that have not been met (nevermind how many expectations I've failed to meet for others!).
•  Patience? I've lost count of how many times I've snapped at someone or lost my temper this week, and it's only Tuesday! 
• Kindness, Goodness, and Gentleness? If you're selfish, short-tempered and grumbling, there's not a lot of room for those things in your heart! 
• Faithfulness? Don't get me started on how many promises have been broken, how many commitments have fallen through, how many emails remain unanswered, projects unfinished, housework undone, the list goes on...
• Self-Control? Please, make it stop!

This cannot go on. I'm miserable, and my family is suffering, too.


My precious daughter has mellowed out quite a bit now that she's almost 15 months, toddling around, and able to use baby sign-language to communicate some of her basic wants and needs. She's still perhaps a little more "high needs" than other babies her age, but all in all, she is worlds better than she was! We're finally coming out of "survival mode" and beginning to figure out ways to help our household run smoothly. 

Feeding my family (myself included), physically and spiritually, is at the top of my list. For now, we're just taking baby steps (no pun intended... I think) like buying more fresh produce (I'm so very thankful for our neighborhood farmer's market!), keeping track of what everyone has eaten that day (how much has been protein, fruits, vegetables, junk food, etc), praying before meals, and reading a bible story together every morning. God also sent me a hidden blessing by crashing my computer's hard-drive, so there has been a significant decrease in the amount of time I have managed to waste online ("Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways." Psalm 119:37)! I can only pray that these small changes will quickly become easy habits, and we can begin to add more and more. 

I think I'll hold off on those marathon aspirations for now, "but the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day..." (Proverbs 4:18)

This little board book of the parable of the lost sheep is one of her favorites.
 I think it has something to do with the "baa!" sounds mommy makes...

A Work In Progress: Learning to Obey...

It was another rough day, with both of us fighting colds. It's very easy for me to get frustrated and overwhelmed by the whining and the crying and the tantrums and the general neediness, but I am so very thankful for the little glimpses of growth God lets me see in my beautiful daughter.

I've been teaching her what "obey" means: "to listen to mommy and do what she says." We've been talking about it and "practicing" it for weeks. She usually just ignores me, then throws a fit when I assert my will (usually by picking her up and moving her out of harm's way). Occasionally she listens and really seems to understand what's expected of her. You can see her pondering her next move. On rare occasions, she decides to comply, and I rejoice as if we'd found a cure for cancer. More often she decides to follow her own way, and the battle of wills ensues. It often feels like we're getting nowhere, but I know it's one of those things where the fruit is a very long time coming! Fighting these battles now will hopefully produce results later on, and that is the hope that keeps me going.

Today, we were out on a walk, and she was headed straight for a grimy puddle. I called out "STOP!" and she stopped!!! Glory, hallelujah, she stopped!!! I praised her up and down for doing such a good job obeying, then I told her to go around the puddle. She paused. I held my breath. She looked at me, smiled, and, pointing to the puddle, made the sign for "water." Well, she's not going around, but she's not plowing through it either, that's a start! Tentatively, I explained to her "Yes, that is water, but it's yucky water. Go around, please!" And without another thought, she cheerfully circumvented the mud.

There were hugs, and kisses, and thanks, and praises, and all manner of professions of love and pride and hope from this one little act of obedience! I held my child in a warm embrace and explained to her: "I love you when you obey, and still I love you when you don't obey, but I make these rules to keep you safe. I tell you to do these things because I love you and I don't want you to get hurt. When you obey me, that's your way of telling me that you love me."

Tonight I am reading 1 John. Chapter 5, verse 3 says "this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome." Oh, how is it that I still need to learn the same lessons I am teaching my little one?! I can hear my Heavenly Father now: "I created you to walk in my light. If only you would just listen to me and do what I say! I know what is best for you because I designed you, and I tell you to do these things because I love you, and I want to keep you safe."

When my daughter obeys me, I'm not happy because I can control her, or because I got my own way. I'm happy because she is listening to me, and values what I have to say. When she hears my voice and does what I ask, it tells me that she trusts me not to lead her astray. What could be better than that?

Lord, teach me to listen to you, and value what you say. I know you love me. Teach me to trust that you only want what is best for me, and help me to follow your will.

There's a hymn my mother taught me when I was very young, and now I sing it to my own daughter. I didn't understand it then, but these days it is making more sense:

My little puddle-jumper!

"Trust and obey,
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus,
But to trust and obey."

--Text by John H Sammis
(full lyrics can be found here)

A Work In Progress

***This is the first post in a series on lessons I'm learning through motherhood. The posts will probably be very spaced out (I don't have a great track record on regular posting), and there might be other posts in-between, but every once-in-a-while I hope to put up another post on the topic! Look for the tag "Work In Progress"

A few weeks ago, as I was wearily pushing the stroller at a brisk pace in frigid weather, bracing myself against the brutal Chicago wind, wishing I had remembered my hat and scarf, all in a desperate attempt to help my sleep-deprived little one get some kind of nap (she has always slept better in the stroller, but wakes up as soon as I stop moving or go inside), I began to reflect on all the things I've learned since becoming a mother. (phew! How's that for a run-on sentence?)

As my sweet daughter continued to sleep, I had ample time to tabulate a surprisingly long list. I believe I've grown more in the last 10 months than any other "stage" of my life. I would also have to say that these first 10 months of motherhood have easily been the hardest of any stage thus far.

And that was when I started to wonder why I always seemed to grow more in times of trial than I ever did in success. Honestly, my first thought was "How come God can teach other moms the same lessons and still give them babies who sleep through the night?!" My initial response was something along the lines of "Wow, I must be a really slow learner if God had to resort to such extreme methods! Maybe I should be praying for a more teachable spirit!"

But then I remembered how often God does exactly what I ask, but in a way that is terribly different from what I had in mind. For instance, I once asked for an extension on a midterm project and a break from responsibilities for about a week, never actually believing it would happen. But the next day I contracted shingles and wound up with a doctor's note for--guess what?--A week off of school (and yes, I got that extension, too)! Then there's all those times I've prayed for a humble spirit, only to turn around and get utterly humiliated. Yeah, sickness and public disgrace are certainly not what I had in mind, but you know what? I got exactly what I asked for. God's methods are always effective. Be careful what you pray for!

I have long believed that people are more willing to learn in difficult situations. Think about the classes you took in school: Which ones drove you to study harder and seek help? Easy classes are easy because we know most of the material already (or we think we do, at least). We study more in those difficult classes because we realize how much we have to learn. It's the same in life: When things are going smoothly, it's easy to believe that we have all the answers. But when things go wrong, we realize how much we need help. People are the most receptive when they are the most desperate. God sends trials our way not because He's a vindictive god who delights in watching His creation squirm, but because He cares about our character and education, and wants to make sure we learn His lessons well.

Well, that answers my first question ("why I always seemed to grow more in times of trial than I ever did in success"), but not my second ("How come God can teach other moms the same lessons and still give them babies who sleep through the night?"). I think I was heading east on Superior, into the wind, when I realized "We all learn essentially the same lessons, but in different times and different ways." Any good teacher will tell you that one method does not fit all. You have to tailor your approach based on factors like age, ability, classroom dynamic, learning styles, resources available, number of students, timeframe, and many, many others. One of the baby books I reference frequently ("What to Expect the First Year) repeats this adage in every chapter: "All babies are different." Well, all people are different, too, and I am so very thankful that our God knows and loves each one of us individually. Who better to tailor our curriculum than the One who made us, and took great care in every detail (Psalm 139)? I don't know what lessons those other moms need to learn, and I don't know what and how He has already taught them. I'm glad I don't have to. It is enough for me to trust that God is teaching them and teaching me. My job is only to learn. (Psalm 131)

As I was reflecting on these things before writing this post, I wondered if sometimes God uses difficult methods to test how willing we are to learn. It's easy to ask for humility, but you have to really want it if you're going to stare humiliation in the face and accept it as an opportunity to grow! I am fond of saying "it's not our circumstances that change us, it's how we respond to them." If you don't want to learn, you probably won't. But that doesn't mean God won't continue to teach you.

I want to throw in a disclaimer here: I'm not saying that the only reason we experience hardship is because God has something to teach us. He has many purposes for trials, and I never want to give the impression that all you have to do is "learn your lesson" and the hard times will stop! In fact, that is rarely the case. What I am saying is, no matter what your situation, God can always teach you something. Romans 8:28 is an often misinterpreted passage that reads "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." A lot of people assume that the "good" refers to things in this life, but if you keep reading, you discover what "His purpose" is: "...to become conformed to the image of His Son." (Romans 8:29) That verse doesn't mean God will make sure everything turns out all right in the end. It really means that our infinitely wise and creative God can use anything as an opportunity to help us grow to become more like Jesus Christ.

I guess I'll just continue to pray for a teachable spirit, even though I know that probably means I'll continue to learn my lessons "the hard way."

I'd like to share some excerpts from two of my favorite hymns. I have sung these to my baby girl every day since she was born, but I know I need these words far more than she does at this point. Both hymns were written by Karolina Sandell-Berg (a Swede!) and translated to English by Andrew L. Skoog.

Children of the Heavenly Father (verse 5)

"Tough He giveth and He taketh

God His children ne'er forsaketh.

His the loving purpose solely

To preserve them, pure and holy."

Day by Day (portions of verses 1 and 3)

"He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,

Gives unto each day what He deems best...

"Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,

E'er to take, as from a Father's hand,

Willingly, the days, the moments fleeting,

Till I reach the promised land."