What would YOU do?

Today, poor, stir-crazy Kaja was so excited to walk to the park, but decided to create a power struggle over her shoes, of all things! She LOVES shoes, and is so proud that she can put them on by herself now. I was shocked. You wouldn't expect "Come put on your shoes, please, so we can go to the park!" to incite rebellion, but today it did. I guess it was a reflection of the state of her heart at the moment, and a good picture of all our hearts, really. It seemed so easy: She wanted to go to the park, she likes to put on shoes, let's do one so we can go to the other. But she resisted. She just froze. When I called her again, she stubbornly sat down. When I asked her if she wanted to go to the park, she said "yes!" but she wouldn't budge. I gently reminded her several times that we couldn't go to the park if she didn't wear shoes, and she sat, immovable, silent. The more I coaxed, the harder she resisted until I finally announced that we weren't going to the park. You can imagine the devastation that followed.

I found myself throwing my hands up in frustration that my daughter couldn't see the common sense in the situation, but very quickly realized that, once again, I was looking at my own reflection.

Our Bible study just finished Deuteronomy, and I was struck by the clarity in Deuteronomy 30:11-20

 "Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach... No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it.

See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.

But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob."

It's so simple! Love and obey the Lord, because he is the source of life. Choose obedience and choose life. Any other choice is death. Shouldn't be hard, right? 

Right?

I recently illustrated this concept in the kindergarten-2nd grade Sunday school class this way: 

Imagine you're stranded out on the open ocean. There's no land in sight, you see sharks starting to circle, and you're sinking fast. Now imagine that a lifeboat comes for you. You scramble in and the captain says "I'm taking you home, all you have to do is stay in the boat and you'll be safe." Will you follow his directions? It would be so foolish to jump back in the water! The water means certain death, the boat is life.

It seems so simple, but over and over I make the choice to jump back in the water, to do things myself, to make my own way, under my own power. Every day I find myself treading water when there's a motorboat right there, waiting to take me home.

Colossians 1:16-17 says "For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible... all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." He made me. He is the only reason these molecules are sticking together to form my body. How could I possibly think I am capable of doing anything apart from him? Moses put it so nicely above: "The Lord is your life."

Yet here we are, struggling to keep our heads above water, sinking fast in a sea of entropy and darkness, insisting that we are enough on our own. Oh, how we need a Rescuer!

Today, Kaja refused to obey my sensible request, so she didn't get to go to the park.

In my Sunday School illustration, the passengers who didn't stay in the boat never made it home.

In Exodus, the Israelites refused to obey the One True God who had proved Himself to them over and over, and an entire generation died in the wilderness, never making it to the promised land.

All of these stories have a destination, and so does ours. God is preparing an eternal kingdom, where we will live forever with a loving God in a magnificent and perfect world, free from all suffering and pain. But we've jumped ship. God is our life, our very source of being, but Isaiah says "everyone has turned to his own way." Romans says "all have sinned and fall short." None of us will make it to our destination if left to our own devices. 

When I look at it in this light, it seems so obvious. Rebellion is absolutely futile and foolish, yet our sinful nature constantly drives us deeper into our empty, helpless selves, and away from the promised Good that awaits. I watched my daughter shut down, throw up walls and grow increasingly miserable when she could have been playing in the sunshine at the park, all because she didn't want to put on shoes. Come to think of it, she probably did want to put on shoes, she just didn't want to obey me. 

When she calmed down, we talked (in a simplified way) about these things. I reminded her that when we rebel it is called sin, and that the punishment for sin is death. I confessed to her that mommy sins daily, too (she knows my shortcomings better than most!), but that God loves us so much that he sent Jesus to die in our place. He took our punishment so we don't have to die, and he came back to life so that we could live forever with him. He is our Rescuer, who has come to save us from the depths and lead us home.

Tonight, as I do most nights, I asked her what her "long name" is. "Kristjana," she answered. "Do you know what Kristjana means?" I ask. "Follow Jesus!" And with a kiss, I whisper into her ear the reason we gave her that name: "So you will never forget what is most important."

And that is what I pray for my headstrong, independent, capricious, feisty, stubborn, mercurial, determined, force-of-nature of a daughter: That when she finds herself lost and overcome (which, if she's my daughter, will probably be often), she will remember that whisper in her ear, telling her the Way home:

"Follow Jesus..."

My Thoughts on Saying "No"

As expressed in the title, these are just my thoughts. I'm not suggesting a parenting method, just saying what resonates with me and seems to work with my daughter. I'm no expert, I just know my kid. Everyone is different, and my views may change someday when a new child comes along. Maybe you'll like it and adopt some of my techniques. Maybe you'll disagree and tell me the totally opposite method that you employ. Either way, I hope you enjoy reading it, and I'm always up for hearing new ideas!

I recently heard about a parenting philosophy that suggested parents shouldn't say "no" to their children. The concern was that it would stifle their creative spirit, or something. I would never want to crush my daughter's individuality by forcing conformity, but I believe that we all must learn to respect appropriate boundaries. I want my little one to understand that the world does not revolve around her, there are other people who deserve her consideration, and she simply cannot do exactly what she wants whenever she wants. Also, I would very much like to keep her alive as long as possible. "No" can help with that.

That being said, I have to admit I actually do make an effort to avoid the word "no." I'm not some wishy-washy parent who is afraid to confront her own progeny, though, I swear! Here, in no particular order, are my reasons for avoiding (not eliminating) the use of the word "no" in my interactions with my daughter:

1. If I said "no" for everything she wasn't supposed to have/touch/do/go/eat/say, etc. then practically EVERYTHING in her world would be "NO!" Or at least, it would seem that way.
2. I reallllly didn't want "NO!" to be her first word (it was her second...). I figured I'd hear her say it enough later on, I'd rather delay her acquisition of this vocabulary as long as possible.
3. She is extremely strong-willed, and when I say "no," she responds by throwing a fit. I'm not afraid of her tantrums, and I don't back down in this battle of wills, but the thought of dealing with tantrums all day, every day was terribly unappealing to me (see reason number one).
4. I want her to take me seriously when I say "no." Like the boy who cried wolf, if everything is "no," it would lose it's potency over time (especially if I became weary from all those tantrums!), and then where would we be when her response was REALLY important?

So, what does it mean to "not say no?" Unlike the suggestions I heard such as "try to redirect them" or "give them options" I simply rephrase my cease-and-desist order. The words are different, but the message is the same: "That behavior is unacceptable." But I hope the message is improved, because I try to include the reason why, or suggest a preferable alternative. The way I see it, "NO!" is like stopping a car with a brick wall: effective, but painful. I'd like to help her come to a halt a bit more gently. It will lower her gas mileage and extend the life of her brake pads. Here are some of my tactics:

• "That's mama's. Here, this one is yours." (not only does she learn to respect other people's property, but she learns possessive pronouns, too!)
• "It's not time for X" (An important lesson to learn from Ecclesiastes 3)
• "That will hurt you!" (pretty self explanatory)
• "Give that to mama please." (I have found this one incredibly useful as toddlers seem to really enjoy giving things to people!)
• "YUCK!" (we're still working on this one. She has actually learned to recognize things I might identify as "gross," such as trash cans, toilets, garbage on the sidewalk, drinking her dirty bath water, etc. but she thinks the yucky sounds I make are hilarious, so she will display interest in them just to hear my reaction. Thankfully she is starting to make her own yucky sounds, and I'm hoping I can reinforce the behavior that goes with the funny noise. Also, we have an alphabet book that uses "Yak" for the letter "Y." She thinks I'm saying "yuck." It's her favorite page.)
• "Come here, please." (someone once pointed out that when we tell a child "don't X," the only verb the child hears is the unwanted behavior (X). She suggested that we might try using--or including--the desired behavior as well. Makes sense to me.)

I still say "no" a lot, and she still doesn't like it. But I try to reserve "No" for when I really mean it (when you need to throw up that proverbial brick wall in front of your child). These are typically matters of health and safety (for her, or for those around her). Some things that are definite "No's:"

• Walking into the street. (I frequently explain to her that "streets are for cars, sidewalks are for people," but if she's making a break for it, then "NO!" or "STOP!" is what she's going to hear!)
• Putting things in the toilet (mainly fingers, but not exclusively. this is an ongoing struggle)
• Getting too close to the oven/stove (I used duct tape to draw a line on our kitchen floor. She knows not to cross that boundary. Of course, whether she conforms to that rule is another story)
• Picking up an object identified as "yuck" (I do NOT want my kid eating the cigarette buts on the sidewalk outside our apartment!!! Like the street, this one is explained in other terms first. The "no!" comes when she  pays no heed and goes straight for the nastiness)
• Pinching, hitting, and other forms of intentional violence. (I follow this one up with "That hurts! Be gentle!" in an effort to encourage the desired behavior. So far there is no progress in this regard. Any suggestions on how to deal with a child who pinches when she's frustrated?)

The nice thing right now is that she's still small enough (and slow enough) that I can physically stop her if she refuses to obey. I'm trying to teach her these lessons before that ceases to be the case. Progress is slow, but blessedly present. I often feel like I'm herding a cat, or raising a hyperactive kleptomaniac, but God continues to bless me with glimpses of obedience. Nothing makes me more proud than when my daughter demonstrates some measure of self-control. Given her temperament (we knew she was a stubborn and opinionated little fighter by the second trimester!), I have prayed she would learn self-control more often than any of the other spiritual fruit.

Of course, in order to develop spiritual fruit, you have to have the Holy Spirit working in your life. And to that end, the thing I pray for her the most is that she would one day come to the realization that seeking her own way will never lead to satisfaction or fulfillment; that when she follows her own desires she becomes a slave to them; that her attempts to live in complete conformity and obedience will also fail; and that no matter how sweet, brilliant, creative, thoughtful, determined or beautiful she is (and I believe she is all of those things!), she will never live up to the perfect standard set before her. At least, not on her own. I pray that these truths will drive her to the One who has seen her weakness, who knows her failings, who has felt her rebellion, and loves her just the same. 

"What's Your Secret?"

*Warning: This is a confession post. I have no brilliant tips or strategies except the advice that I need to be following myself.

"Losing the baby weight." My goodness, I had no idea what an obsession that was until I started gaining my own! Surf the web and you will find page after page of diets, exercises, and other contraptions to help you on your journey to get your "pre-pregnancy body" back. There are even photo galleries for mommies to show off their post-baby-bellies online!

Because several of my friends have also recently had babies, I've had the privilege of hearing all about the wonderful and creative ways they have found to get back in shape. I took notes as one friend shared what she is learning about healthy foods and how to make reasonable diet/lifestyle changes that will get her whole family on the road to excellent health; I've been inspired by a friend who trained for (and completed) a triathlon (talk about hard core!); and was delighted to hear about a friend who took up ballet again after several years away from the art. The creativity, research, discipline, motivation and extra effort that this takes is tremendous, and I just think it is so awesome to hear about everything people are doing for the sake of their health.

That's why I cringe whenever anyone asks me what I've been doing.

I lost all of my pregnancy weight within the first 10 weeks of my daughter's life. A year later, I weigh what I did back in high school. I grimace whenever anyone asks me what my secret is, because, honestly, I'm ashamed of my answer. I want to keep it a secret. I say this because I haven't really been doing anything.

Chocolate? What chocolate?

While my other friends are making smart choices, working towards a goal, and intentionally seeking things that will promote their health, I have not. What's my secret? My secret is a tiny, colicky task master who wouldn't let me sleep, eat, or stop moving for almost 12 months. There is nothing healthy about exhaustion. My diet was "grab whatever little bits you can while she's quiet." There were no meals, there was very little cooking, and grocery shopping usually ended abruptly due to a screeching infant, so my diet was mainly pre-packaged, non-perishable items, aka "junk food." Thankfully, I was never able to eat more than a few nibbles here or there, so at least my intake was limited.

My exercise plan was pretty similar. I think I have only intentionally "worked out" three times since my daughter was born. However, every day (and most of the night during the early months!) was spent carrying around a baby who was rapidly increasing in size and weight, dancing around and bouncing her up and down, in the only repetitive motions that seemed to soothe her. Add to that the fact that she loves the stroller (for a while it was the only place she would sleep other than my arms), and you end up walking EVERYWHERE! It's pretty typical for us to walk several miles in the course of an afternoon. I should get a pedometer... Did I mention that she starts to cry if you move too slowly? 

Our trusty Phil&Ted's jogging stroller that has traveled
 countless miles through rain, wind and snow, soothing a fussy baby!

Yes, I lost a lot of weight, and I lost it FAST, but it only came as a side-effect of exhaustion and mal-nourishment. I'm probably one of the least healthy mommies I know. 

I was thinking about that, and realizing that everything I said about my physical diet could be said of my spiritual diet, as well. Just like cooking and meals, I almost never had the time to sit quietly with my Bible, reading, studying, and praying. I would try to "grab whatever bits I could" by listening to the audio Bible on biblegateway.com, putting verses around the house, singing hymns I had memorized, and reading Bible stories to my baby, but I filled my time with a lot of "junk food," too. Watching TV while rocking a fussy infant seems appealing, but it's never as satisfying as you want it to be. I spend way too much time watching hulu and stalking friends on facebook, and not enough time making a conscious effort to consume healthy, worthwhile things. 

The weight loss that comes from physical starvation can be viewed as a pleasant side-effect if you're hoping to shed some pounds, but spiritual starvation only leaves you scrawny, weak, and hungry. Physically, you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me that I was unhealthy. On the outside I appear fit and active, but on the inside I'm missing all kinds of nutrients. I think spiritual starvation is more readily apparent. I can put on a good face for a while, but I just can't seem to grow those "fruits of the spirit" like I want to:

• Love? It feels like everything I do these days is out of a selfish motivation. 
• Joy and Peace? I'm constantly grumbling or upset about little things that have gone wrong, or expectations that have not been met (nevermind how many expectations I've failed to meet for others!).
•  Patience? I've lost count of how many times I've snapped at someone or lost my temper this week, and it's only Tuesday! 
• Kindness, Goodness, and Gentleness? If you're selfish, short-tempered and grumbling, there's not a lot of room for those things in your heart! 
• Faithfulness? Don't get me started on how many promises have been broken, how many commitments have fallen through, how many emails remain unanswered, projects unfinished, housework undone, the list goes on...
• Self-Control? Please, make it stop!

This cannot go on. I'm miserable, and my family is suffering, too.


My precious daughter has mellowed out quite a bit now that she's almost 15 months, toddling around, and able to use baby sign-language to communicate some of her basic wants and needs. She's still perhaps a little more "high needs" than other babies her age, but all in all, she is worlds better than she was! We're finally coming out of "survival mode" and beginning to figure out ways to help our household run smoothly. 

Feeding my family (myself included), physically and spiritually, is at the top of my list. For now, we're just taking baby steps (no pun intended... I think) like buying more fresh produce (I'm so very thankful for our neighborhood farmer's market!), keeping track of what everyone has eaten that day (how much has been protein, fruits, vegetables, junk food, etc), praying before meals, and reading a bible story together every morning. God also sent me a hidden blessing by crashing my computer's hard-drive, so there has been a significant decrease in the amount of time I have managed to waste online ("Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways." Psalm 119:37)! I can only pray that these small changes will quickly become easy habits, and we can begin to add more and more. 

I think I'll hold off on those marathon aspirations for now, "but the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day..." (Proverbs 4:18)

This little board book of the parable of the lost sheep is one of her favorites.
 I think it has something to do with the "baa!" sounds mommy makes...

A Work In Progress: Learning to Obey...

It was another rough day, with both of us fighting colds. It's very easy for me to get frustrated and overwhelmed by the whining and the crying and the tantrums and the general neediness, but I am so very thankful for the little glimpses of growth God lets me see in my beautiful daughter.

I've been teaching her what "obey" means: "to listen to mommy and do what she says." We've been talking about it and "practicing" it for weeks. She usually just ignores me, then throws a fit when I assert my will (usually by picking her up and moving her out of harm's way). Occasionally she listens and really seems to understand what's expected of her. You can see her pondering her next move. On rare occasions, she decides to comply, and I rejoice as if we'd found a cure for cancer. More often she decides to follow her own way, and the battle of wills ensues. It often feels like we're getting nowhere, but I know it's one of those things where the fruit is a very long time coming! Fighting these battles now will hopefully produce results later on, and that is the hope that keeps me going.

Today, we were out on a walk, and she was headed straight for a grimy puddle. I called out "STOP!" and she stopped!!! Glory, hallelujah, she stopped!!! I praised her up and down for doing such a good job obeying, then I told her to go around the puddle. She paused. I held my breath. She looked at me, smiled, and, pointing to the puddle, made the sign for "water." Well, she's not going around, but she's not plowing through it either, that's a start! Tentatively, I explained to her "Yes, that is water, but it's yucky water. Go around, please!" And without another thought, she cheerfully circumvented the mud.

There were hugs, and kisses, and thanks, and praises, and all manner of professions of love and pride and hope from this one little act of obedience! I held my child in a warm embrace and explained to her: "I love you when you obey, and still I love you when you don't obey, but I make these rules to keep you safe. I tell you to do these things because I love you and I don't want you to get hurt. When you obey me, that's your way of telling me that you love me."

Tonight I am reading 1 John. Chapter 5, verse 3 says "this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome." Oh, how is it that I still need to learn the same lessons I am teaching my little one?! I can hear my Heavenly Father now: "I created you to walk in my light. If only you would just listen to me and do what I say! I know what is best for you because I designed you, and I tell you to do these things because I love you, and I want to keep you safe."

When my daughter obeys me, I'm not happy because I can control her, or because I got my own way. I'm happy because she is listening to me, and values what I have to say. When she hears my voice and does what I ask, it tells me that she trusts me not to lead her astray. What could be better than that?

Lord, teach me to listen to you, and value what you say. I know you love me. Teach me to trust that you only want what is best for me, and help me to follow your will.

There's a hymn my mother taught me when I was very young, and now I sing it to my own daughter. I didn't understand it then, but these days it is making more sense:

My little puddle-jumper!

"Trust and obey,
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus,
But to trust and obey."

--Text by John H Sammis
(full lyrics can be found here)

A Work In Progress

***This is the first post in a series on lessons I'm learning through motherhood. The posts will probably be very spaced out (I don't have a great track record on regular posting), and there might be other posts in-between, but every once-in-a-while I hope to put up another post on the topic! Look for the tag "Work In Progress"

A few weeks ago, as I was wearily pushing the stroller at a brisk pace in frigid weather, bracing myself against the brutal Chicago wind, wishing I had remembered my hat and scarf, all in a desperate attempt to help my sleep-deprived little one get some kind of nap (she has always slept better in the stroller, but wakes up as soon as I stop moving or go inside), I began to reflect on all the things I've learned since becoming a mother. (phew! How's that for a run-on sentence?)

As my sweet daughter continued to sleep, I had ample time to tabulate a surprisingly long list. I believe I've grown more in the last 10 months than any other "stage" of my life. I would also have to say that these first 10 months of motherhood have easily been the hardest of any stage thus far.

And that was when I started to wonder why I always seemed to grow more in times of trial than I ever did in success. Honestly, my first thought was "How come God can teach other moms the same lessons and still give them babies who sleep through the night?!" My initial response was something along the lines of "Wow, I must be a really slow learner if God had to resort to such extreme methods! Maybe I should be praying for a more teachable spirit!"

But then I remembered how often God does exactly what I ask, but in a way that is terribly different from what I had in mind. For instance, I once asked for an extension on a midterm project and a break from responsibilities for about a week, never actually believing it would happen. But the next day I contracted shingles and wound up with a doctor's note for--guess what?--A week off of school (and yes, I got that extension, too)! Then there's all those times I've prayed for a humble spirit, only to turn around and get utterly humiliated. Yeah, sickness and public disgrace are certainly not what I had in mind, but you know what? I got exactly what I asked for. God's methods are always effective. Be careful what you pray for!

I have long believed that people are more willing to learn in difficult situations. Think about the classes you took in school: Which ones drove you to study harder and seek help? Easy classes are easy because we know most of the material already (or we think we do, at least). We study more in those difficult classes because we realize how much we have to learn. It's the same in life: When things are going smoothly, it's easy to believe that we have all the answers. But when things go wrong, we realize how much we need help. People are the most receptive when they are the most desperate. God sends trials our way not because He's a vindictive god who delights in watching His creation squirm, but because He cares about our character and education, and wants to make sure we learn His lessons well.

Well, that answers my first question ("why I always seemed to grow more in times of trial than I ever did in success"), but not my second ("How come God can teach other moms the same lessons and still give them babies who sleep through the night?"). I think I was heading east on Superior, into the wind, when I realized "We all learn essentially the same lessons, but in different times and different ways." Any good teacher will tell you that one method does not fit all. You have to tailor your approach based on factors like age, ability, classroom dynamic, learning styles, resources available, number of students, timeframe, and many, many others. One of the baby books I reference frequently ("What to Expect the First Year) repeats this adage in every chapter: "All babies are different." Well, all people are different, too, and I am so very thankful that our God knows and loves each one of us individually. Who better to tailor our curriculum than the One who made us, and took great care in every detail (Psalm 139)? I don't know what lessons those other moms need to learn, and I don't know what and how He has already taught them. I'm glad I don't have to. It is enough for me to trust that God is teaching them and teaching me. My job is only to learn. (Psalm 131)

As I was reflecting on these things before writing this post, I wondered if sometimes God uses difficult methods to test how willing we are to learn. It's easy to ask for humility, but you have to really want it if you're going to stare humiliation in the face and accept it as an opportunity to grow! I am fond of saying "it's not our circumstances that change us, it's how we respond to them." If you don't want to learn, you probably won't. But that doesn't mean God won't continue to teach you.

I want to throw in a disclaimer here: I'm not saying that the only reason we experience hardship is because God has something to teach us. He has many purposes for trials, and I never want to give the impression that all you have to do is "learn your lesson" and the hard times will stop! In fact, that is rarely the case. What I am saying is, no matter what your situation, God can always teach you something. Romans 8:28 is an often misinterpreted passage that reads "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." A lot of people assume that the "good" refers to things in this life, but if you keep reading, you discover what "His purpose" is: "...to become conformed to the image of His Son." (Romans 8:29) That verse doesn't mean God will make sure everything turns out all right in the end. It really means that our infinitely wise and creative God can use anything as an opportunity to help us grow to become more like Jesus Christ.

I guess I'll just continue to pray for a teachable spirit, even though I know that probably means I'll continue to learn my lessons "the hard way."

I'd like to share some excerpts from two of my favorite hymns. I have sung these to my baby girl every day since she was born, but I know I need these words far more than she does at this point. Both hymns were written by Karolina Sandell-Berg (a Swede!) and translated to English by Andrew L. Skoog.

Children of the Heavenly Father (verse 5)

"Tough He giveth and He taketh

God His children ne'er forsaketh.

His the loving purpose solely

To preserve them, pure and holy."

Day by Day (portions of verses 1 and 3)

"He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,

Gives unto each day what He deems best...

"Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,

E'er to take, as from a Father's hand,

Willingly, the days, the moments fleeting,

Till I reach the promised land."

Crying in the Carseat

So, our daughter HATES the carseat. I mean HATES. IT. With every fiber of her tiny little being.

I know, I know, "But most babies love the carseat!"

Not mine.

She screams bloody murder the whole time. We're talking the kind of ear-buzzing screams where you can hear her throat tearing to shreds. She screams until she chokes herself, which only makes her more upset. I have seen a fair number of tantrums and crying babies in my life, and have never seen anything like this.

The craziest part is the way she stares at you while she's throwing these fits. It kind of proves to me that there's really nothing wrong, she's just mad. I will often sit in the back seat next to her in a futile attempt to calm her. The only response I get for my efforts is a tearful, accusing glare. I can almost understand the message behind her shrieks:

"How can you just sit there?!?! Can't you hear me?!?! You have the power to free me from this torture and you sit idly by doing nothing!!! How can you say you love me, how can you say you have compassion on me and yet leave me here to suffer?!?!"

I can only respond to these questions as any responsible, loving parent would:

"Oh, child, if only you knew why you were here. You can't understand it yet, but this is the safest and best place for you to be right now. If I were to give you what you wanted, there is no telling what heartbreak would come. I do this because I love you, because I want the best for you, and because I couldn't bear to see you hurt. You are my treasure, and I have pledged to protect you with my life. If you would only trust me, everything will be all right."

It was during one of these "moments" with my daughter that I realized how very similar we are. How often do I react to prolonged hardships in my life by crying out to God:

"How can you just sit there?!?! Can't you hear me?!?! You have the power to free me from this torture and you sit idly by, doing nothing!!! How can you say you love me, how can you say you have compassion on me and leave me here to suffer?!?!"

And my Heavenly Father, as THE responsible, loving Parent always responds:

"Oh, child, if only you knew why you were here. You can't understand it yet, but this is the safest and best place for you to be right now. If I were to give you what you wanted, there is no telling what heartbreak would come. I do this because I love you, because I want the best for you, and because I couldn't bear to see you hurt. You are my treasure, and I have pledged to protect you with my life. If you would only trust me, everything will be all right."

"Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' ... for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things." Matthew 6:31-32 (emphasis added)

"Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:9-11

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow." James 1:17

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

"For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Our heavenly Father knows what we need and always has our best interests in mind. We can be certain of that! When we find ourselves frustrated or angry at our circumstances, the reason can be boiled down to our refusal to believe that a perfectly loving, all-powerful God is in control of the world and of our lives. In the words of theologian Addison Leitch: "All our problems are theological ones." When we understand God's character, we can be confident that His will for our lives is better than ours, and allow it to be carried out, even if it doesn't make sense to us in our limited perspective.

"Trust and obey, for there's no other way

To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."

-John H. Sammis

A precious and exceedingly RARE moment of peace, the day we brought our tiny girl home from the hospital!

Confession Time...

Okay, time to come clean. I have this problem. Well, I have a lot of problems, but I think it might be best to just share one at a time. So here goes: I have very little follow-through when it comes to long-term projects.

This blog is a case in point. If you notice my last post was over a month ago. I made multiple posts a week for a while, but that didn't last long. I'll admit, I'm not terribly surprised.
True, I could tell you that I got sick shortly after my last post, and my schedule filled up fast when I got better as I was catching up on all that I missed the previous week, and I could add that I got sick again two weeks later, but honestly, the lapse was inevitable. It's one of the reasons I hesitated starting a blog in the first place: I knew my tendency to lose interest.

I have a journal tucked away in my bedside table. I started this journal as a girl (the first entry was dated January 9, 1995). It's still not full. This book is a sporadic chronicle of my young life. There will be a cluster of entries, then a long gap before the next entry, which usually consisted of me exclaiming about how long it had been since I had last written (I once made it nearly two years!). I have another journal, which I started in college. I wrote in it every day for almost two months (I was so proud of myself!), then never again. It's packed away in a box somewhere, I think.

It's not just journaling that I have trouble with. Like many people, my list of New Years resolutions fallen by the wayside is tragically long. I could fill one of my poor neglected journals with the habits I have failed to build! I take heart in knowing that I am not the only one who has trouble with this. I read that only 12% of people achieve their January 1st goals. If you want a musical example, just check out how many symphonies Schubert started, but never finished (no, it's not just the famous one!).

Long story short, I am a person, and people are inconsistent. As hard as we try, there will always be things we let slide. Even the most reliable person in the world will let you down if you give them long enough. We're human, and sometimes we fail, even with the best intentions.

I am so glad God is not human! Here is what the Bible has to say about His track record:

"God is not a man, that he should lie,
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
Does he promise and not fulfill?"
(Numbers 23:19)

"He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind."
(1 Samuel 15:29)

"He is the Rock, his works are perfect,
and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong,
upright and just is he."
(Deuteronomy 32:4)

"The works of his hands are faithful and just;
all his precepts are trustworthy.
They are steadfast for ever and ever,
done in faithfulness and uprightness."
(Psalm 111:7-8 )

"Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.
The LORD is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made."
(Psalm 145:13)

"I the LORD do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed."
(Malachi 3:6)

"If we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself."
(2 Timothy 2:13)

"he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
(Philippians 1:6)

Part of God's faithfulness is His refusal to give up on us. Philippians clearly states that God won't stop until He has taught us what He wants us to learn. He wants us to emulate his reliability:

"He gave them these orders: "You must serve faithfully and wholeheartedly in the fear of the LORD."
(2 Chronicles 19:9)

"Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers."
(1 Timothy 4:15-16)

"We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."
(Hebrews 6:11-12)

"Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful."
(1 Corinthians 4:2)

I don't know about you, but this all sounds a little intimidating to a girl who can't even write a blog post once a week. Thankfully, God is gracious and offers chance after chance to practice being dependable. Just like a good father, He gives us little things to be responsible for, and gradually increases the load as we are able to bear it.

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'"
(Matthew 25:21)

Hopefully God can use this blog to teach me a little bit more about faithfulness...

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8)

Learning by Osmosis?

Reid is a sweet little boy, who is very bright. I find myself looking at him, thinking about his potential, wondering what he'll be like when he's older, wondering what he'll talk about, what his favorite subject will be in school, all the wonderful things he will know. Then I think about what I hope he'll learn during my time with him to prepare him for the long-term. I hope he'll grow up to be a polite boy, so I want to teach him to share, and to say 'please' and 'thank you.' I hope he'll love to read, so I need to engage him in books early, and teach him the letters of the alphabet. I hope he'll be good at math and science, so he needs to learn to count, and to be observant and inquisitive.

Of course, children learn by absorbing from their environment. You can't expect a child as small as Reid to learn something he's only told once or twice, or even something he hears every day. You absorb something you're marinated in, something that surrounds you constantly, something that covers you so completely at all times to the point that you have no choice but to soak it up. Well, I'M his environment. It's just him and me, all day, five days a week. Any stimulus that he gets, he gets from me. This means that it's up to me not only to tell him things once in a while, or even to make sure to do a little reading or counting or something every day, but to saturate him with the things I hope he will learn. I have to exhibit the behavior I want him to emulate. I have to say 'please' and 'thank you' consistently, every time I hand something to him, or vice versa. When we're on a walk, even though he's in a stroller and I know when to cross the street, I have to stop at every crossing and talk him through the routine of looking for cars. Suddenly, everything we see or play with must be described by shape, size and color, every animal must be paired with its respective sound, the alphabet song is sung during every break in activity, and WE COUNT EVERYTHING!!!
Of course, the same is true for what we want our children to learn about God. To borrow a phrase from an anti-smoking PSA: "If you don't talk to your kids about God, who will?" I am learning to appreciate Deuteronomy 6 in a whole new way: "Impress [these commandments] upon your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you stand up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them to your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses, and on your gates." He really meant talk about them ALL THE TIME! Don't be shy, and don't be silent! Talk about God's attributes, His holiness, His perfection, His justice, His mercy, His love, His awesome power, His wisdom, His commandments, everything, during every part of the day, during every activity. Don't let it be limited to Sunday School, or a Bible story or two before bed, or when the subject comes up. God didn't command the Israelites to have a nightly family devotion time, He said to make every moment an opportunity to teach His truth, no matter what you're doing. Talk about them when you're eating dinner, when you're walking to school, when you're doing dishes, when you're playing outside, when you're doing homework, when you're doing chores, when you're providing discipline, all the time. And don't just talk about them, Deuteronomy also says to display them in prominent places. Write them everywhere. Make them conspicuous. Make it so the kids can't get away from them. These truths have to be impossible to miss. They have to hear them all the time, see them everywhere, and most importantly, they have to see us living them. Children learn from their environment, and as their primary caregiver, we ARE their environment. No pressure or anything.

This amount of responsibility overwhelms me. I can talk big all I want, but I haven't been consistent. I haven't been talking about God every moment, I haven't even been thinking about talking about Him that much. It's just too much to keep track of all of it all the time. I can't do it myself. I have to learn to marinate myself in His word so that I can become more of a channel for Reid and for my own future children. This is the kind of task I can only take on if I am truly walking humbly with my God.