"Teddy's Song"

A year and a week ago, we found out we were expecting. After two years of hoping and heartbreak and miscarriage, I was so delighted! But I remember breathing a prayer on my way to church: “Lord, this baby belongs to you. Help me to hold this child with an open hand.” Exactly a week later I was going to get my first lesson:

That morning in church we sang a song, called “Behold Our God.” I had never heard it before, and to be honest, I wasn't a huge fan. It just takes me a while to process and connect to unfamiliar songs, so I remained unmoved. But we had a running playlist of the songs we sing in church so Kaja could learn them and participate in service, and I added it to the rotation.

Later that afternoon, I went to the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding. I was crushed. Time stopped and I couldn't see or hear or think anything besides “We're losing this baby, too.” I don't know how long I sat there, trying to breathe, but the first sound that made it past the ringing in my ears was the playlist running in the other room:

Who has held the oceans in His hands?
Who has numbered every grain of sand?
Kings and nations tremble at His voice
All creation rises to rejoice

Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!

Who has given counsel to the Lord?
Who can question any of His Words?
Who can teach the One who knows all things?
Who can fathom all His wondrous deeds?

Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!

You will reign forever...

The lyrics reference God's response to Job when he questions his suffering and loss. God reminds him that He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and sovereign over all things, and although things don't make sense to us, everything makes sense to Him, and this life is part of something so much bigger than we could ever comprehend. The reminder that our strong, wise, and loving God is in charge was exactly what I needed in that moment. Still devastated, but reassured.

I bled off-and-on for nearly a month, and every time the bleeding restarted, I thought “This is it, the miscarriage is finally starting.” But it never did, and baby kept growing healthy and strong!

That was only the beginning of our pregnancy scares, which included placenta previa (it moved just enough by the end of the pregnancy and never ruptured), exposure to Lymphocytic Choriomeningitis (which most likely would have killed or maimed the baby had I not already unknowingly built an immunity thanks to previous exposure to this rare virus), and a uterine rupture during an attempted VBAC (the OB caught it just in time, we had an emergency C-Section, and are both fine. In the OR, when I heard him point out where my old scar was tearing open, I realized how very narrowly we had escaped tragedy).

Throughout the pregnancy, this song kept popping up. It seemed that on the days I was most overwhelmed by the fear of losing another baby, I would inevitably hear it on the radio or we would sing it in church (at our old church, at a church we visited once, and even on the first Sunday we visited our new church). Sure enough, we even sang it on baby Teddy's first Sunday at church (I should say, the congregation sang. I held my baby tight and wept grateful tears into his soft, brown hair). This morning, a year after hearing the song for the first time, a year after my heart was shattered by what I thought was another miscarriage, I sat in service, rocking my baby boy, listening to my daughter singing next to me: “Behold our God, seated on His throne. Come let us adore Him...”

Our baby's middle name is a variant of John, which means “The Lord has been gracious to us” and He truly has.

Indoor Active Play Grab Bag Ideas

Thanks to this crazy cold weather, Kaja hadn't left the house in almost 5 days and was going stir crazy! She was literally running in circles this morning, and I knew we had to do something! Now, there's a million ideas on Pinterest for indoor active play, and I've tried a couple, but I haven't had much luck finding ones that really capture her interest and keep her moving for more than a few minutes, and I was hoping to tire her out! She's very story and craft oriented these days, so anything that captures her creative/imaginative side helps! That, and just changing things up a lot!
So, I decided to do a "wiggle grab bag." with LOTS of active ideas. You pull an idea out of the bag, and everyone has to do what the paper says before you can pull out another idea. Each activity can be done in a matter of seconds, or, if it strikes your fancy, you can play at it for as long as you want. This is simple and open-ended so it can move with her.

I wrote down the ideas, drew lines to make a grid around them, and had her cut them out, so she got some fine motor practice in, too! ;)
Here is what we have so far:

• Toss a ball into a laundry basket (this was a favorite, she did this for a good 20 minutes)
• Lay down and do the bicycle motion in the air (slow, fast, to a song, while counting, see who can do it longer, etc. I got tired way before she did! Great ab workout!)
• See how long you can stand on one foot (then try the other)!
• Bounce around on a yoga ball or large stuffed animal
• army crawl across the room
• do baby push-ups (we have an infant, so we all do "tummy time" together!)
• Do 10 jumping-jacks
• crawl under all the kitchen/dining-room chairs
• balance while walking on a line (use masking tape or just the grout lines on tile floors)
• Hop in a circle
• Roll across the room!
• Climb up and down the stairs pretending it's a mountain
• Spin around 5 times
• Climb up the back/side of the couch
• push laundry basket around on the carpet (get 2 and make it a race!)
• Dance to a silly song (Hokey Pokey? Chicken Dance? Something with motions!)
• Walk backwards to another room and back
• Flap your wings and fly around the house
• Be a human wheelbarrow (one person holds ankles while the other walks on hands)
• "Crab walk" around the room
• Jump like a frog (could play leap frog!)
• Crawl to the other side of the room and back
• Line up stuffed animals (or pillows) and jump over them
• Play "Ring Around the Rosey"

I anticipate adding more as we go. We moved and jumped and played for about 30 minutes before we had to take a break, and we only used 4 or 5 ideas. We'll do it again tomorrow...

DIY Baby Wearing Coat Insert Tutorial!!!

I've seen some really cool baby-wearing coats online, and found some very clever ideas for sewing inserts for your own coat (including this very simple and clever one made from 2 fleece jackets, and this variation where the fleece zipper matched her coat zipper!), but none of them were quite what I wanted. It occurred to me that, instead of cannibalizing a fleece jacket, I could just as easily buy a zipper and some fleece at the fabric store, and then I could use whatever material I wanted. Once I realized that, things started to snowball. I anticipated wearing the baby while playing out in the snow with my 3-year-old, so I wanted something that would keep out the wind, so it had to have a stronger outer material, and a method of cinching up at the top and bottom to keep out the drafts.
After a great deal of thinking and reverse-engineering, this is what I came up with. I am NOT a seamstress. My sewing skills are intermediate, at best, and my machine is old and decrepit, so it's not very pretty or polished, but it does exactly what I want it to do, so I am pleased. Here is how I made it.

The collar can be folded down

Or gathered at the top to create a hood!

Here's what it looks like by itself

Okay, this isn't going to be a very thorough step-by-step tutorial, and I'm sorry about that, but I completely forgot to take pictures while I was sewing, and I'm not a seamstress myself, so you get to see pictures of the completed product, and some mock-ups using paper, with some very rough descriptions along the way (it's almost midnight, I'm trying to get this typed and posted before the baby wakes up for his next feeding, and I'm tired and not thinking very clearly, sorry).

Materials:

lining: fleece

Outer: I used rip-stop nylon because I had it already, but outdoor canvas or any other outerwear material you want is fine.

¼ inch elastic tape

round cord elastic

“Spring Stop Cord Locks”

zipper (most coats use YKK size 5, but do check your coat! If the zipper is YKK, look on the back of the zipper pull. There should be a little serial number. If there is a “5” in the number, you've got a size 5)

Step 1: Measure

Wear your baby and put on your coat. Measure your zipper from the bottom, to however far up you want the insert to zip (I didn't want it to zip up as high as my coat does, since the baby's head sits lower than mine, so I got a shorter zipper. For my coat, I needed a 22-inch one). Then measure the distance across your baby, from zipper to zipper at various points along the way (my coat had velcro every 5 inches, so I measured across at the bottom, then at every velcro up to the top). I also measured how high up from the bottom my baby's neck was, because I wanted to add elastic around the neck to keep out the wind.

*Be generous with the measurements, don't make them too tight, you want to allow extra room for baby to grow, extra layers, etc.
*about the zipper length: Because the outer edges are curved, your zipper will need to be slightly longer than the height you measured (which is a straight line). I recommend drawing your pattern first, and measuring the edges before purchasing a zipper.

Step 2: Trace

Take your measurements and plot them out on a large sheet of paper (wrapping paper, tissue paper, packing/butcher paper, whatever). I first measured the center (blue line), then marked my landmarks (top, bottom, and velcro's in-between) along that center line. Then I marked the points for my measurements, making sure to center them symmetrically across the line (red dots). Then I just kind of traced a curve, making sure it went through all the dots. I wanted a hood, so made the top curved, but you could just as easily make it a straight collar and eliminate a step. The top of my curve is about 8 inches above the top of my zipper. I also marked out where the elastic would go (green, wavy line), but you don't really need to do that on the pattern, I just did it for the sake of clarity.

Because I wanted to add drawstrings to the top and bottom, I added an extra inch or so on both ends (dotted line). I actually could have gotten away with much less than an inch, probably half-an-inch would be fine.

Step 3: Cut

I pinned the two fabrics together, right sides facing in, and pinned the paper on top of them and cut them both out at the same time. I added a seam allowance by simply cutting about a half-inch outside the lines the whole way around. Super precise, I know. ;)

Step 4: Sew the zipper!

Pin the zipper between the two pieces (still right-sides together) with the teeth pointing IN. Make sure that the right portions of the zipper are on the right sides so they will sip into your coat properly (it will seem backwards. Turn the whole thing right-side out after pinning if you have to to check). If you haven't sewn a zipper before, this tutorial gives a nice visual :
http://www.purlbee.com/2014/04/18/mollys-sketchbook-simple-lined-zipper-pouches/

Also, a zipper foot on your sewing machine helps!

Sew the zippers in up both sides, but leave that inch or so at the top and bottom open for the drawstring (unless you don't want a drawstring, in which case, just sew all the way up and down each side). Don't sew the top and bottom yet, you should basically have a tube right now.

Turn it right-side-out and top stitch the zippers to make a clean finish.

Step 5: Elastic!

Keeping the panel right-side-out, slide the end of your elastic tape between the pieces and pin it inside, by the zipper at the height you measured. Sew a tight zig-zag through all the layers to tack down that end (just the end). Leave the elastic long, you want it to hang out so you can grab it to pull. I just held the whole roll and didn't cut it until I had finished sewing it in.

To make a channel for the elastic, move the tape out of the way as much as possible and sew a straight line across the whole panel under the elastic.

Then, push the elastic as close as possible to the sewn edge, and very carefully sew another straight line above the elastic, making sure NOT to sew the elastic! This is the fun part.

When you get close to the other side, you will have to stop short to avoid sewing over the long end of the elastic that is poking out. When you have sewn as far as you dare, pull the elastic until the panel gathers as tightly as you want it, then pin it in place and zig-zag over that end to secure it.

I wish I had pictures of this process (sorry!), but here's the finished product, hopefully it gives you an idea of how that should go:

Gathered elastic

Elastic pulled straight so you can see the channel and the zig-zags on the ends

Step 6: finishing the top and bottom:

Turn the panel inside-out and sew across the top.If you're adding a drawstring, fold in and pin the edges on the sides above the zipper as if you're going to hem them, but don't sew. When you sew the top seam, it will catch the top of that fold and tack it down so the opening for your drawstring doesn't have rough edges poking out. I would add fray-check or some kind of liquid seam on those edges. I'm sure there's a better way to do this, but I don't know it. Will someone enlighten me?

Turn it right-side out again and top stitch the seam. Then sew another line underneath the top stitch to create a channel for your elastic cord.

*I made a nice, wide channel, which creates kind of a ruffled effect when the hood is gathered. If you want tighter gathers, make the channel more narrow and closer to the edge.

Once you've sewn your channel, if there is a gap on the side seams between the bottom of the channel and the top of the zipper, top-stitch that closed.

See how ruffled the edges look with the wide channel?

The bottom will be finished almost the same way, but WATCH OUT: When I turned it inside out to finish the bottom seam, I forgot to leave a gap to turn it right-side out again and had to re-do the whole thing. Don't do that. Learn from my mistake.

Turn the panel inside-out, and sew across the bottom leaving a few inches to turn it right-side out! (don't forget to fold in the unfinished edges on the sides where the drawstring opening is)

Turn it right side out, fold in the edges of the opening and top stitch across the whole bottom edge. Then sew another line above it to create the channel for your elastic cord.

Here's a closer shot of the "channel."

You are almost done!

Step 7:

tie one end of the elastic cord onto a safety pin and use that to work it through the channel. 

If you have a single slot cord lock, just thread the elastic through the lock, tie a good knot and do the same on the other side.

I got dual slot cord locks, so I've got an extra step to finish mine:

Slide the cord through one of the holes, then back through the other to create a loop. 

Then slip the end inside the channel and sew it down (I tied a knot and doubled it up to have more to sew over.

If you think ahead, you can tack this down as you're sewing your channel. Just tack one end down at the start, sew most of the channel, thread the cord through, and tack down the other end as you're finishing the channel to create a cleaner look. Just remember to thread the cord locks on BEFORE you tack down the ends...

Step 8: Zip it onto your coat and get going! :)

An Adventure on Every Page!

Kaja's imagination is most active in the morning after breakfast. I always feel a little bit like a lazy mom, letting her play so long by herself, but I love to just sit with my coffee and watch her go! She's off in her own little world having "adventures" and the things she says and does are simply delightful!

This morning, as she does most mornings, she put on her favorite pair of shoes (that are still too big for her, so we can't wear them out yet) and announced "I'm going on an adventure now!"
Do you want to know where today's adventure is taking us? "To the LIBRARY!" Kaja set up an imaginary library by her bookshelves and is going back and forth, collecting a stack of books, "taking them home" to read them all out loud, then returning for another stack (we're still working on returning the books themselves to the library). She has most of her books memorized, and the few she doesn't know yet, she just wings it from the pictures, and that, too, is quite a show! I just love that her idea of an adventure is going to a place where she can read as much as she wants. She is currently working on book #19. And now she's pulled out another book with lots of words, and is calling me over to read with her. Warms my heart!

Reviewing my Reflections from the 'Refuel' Retreat. Or just: "Remember."

Gordon and I have the privilege of being "adult mentors" for Crossroads, our church's university ministry. We're still trying to wrap our heads around the fact that we are passing off as adults, much less mentors, but that's not what this post is about. Every year the group has a weekend Fall retreat in a beautiful rural area by a lake in Michigan. There's always great teaching, worship, bonding, new friendships, hilarious skits, beautiful scenery, and generally a very spiritually refreshing and encouraging time (hence, the title "Refuel").

The last time we attended the retreat (2 years ago), we took our then 5-month-old colicky daughter, and it was a nightmare. She didn't sleep well in her own bed, and the new environment had her freaked out like nobody's business. She screamed the whole 3.5 hour car ride up there, refused to sleep, and would cry unless I held her (and I had to be standing and rocking/bouncing, too. No sitting allowed). I spent the entire weekend holding a fussy baby, spending both nights in the glider rocking chair that Divine Providence placed in the living room of the house we were staying. Then she screamed all the way home, too. Not a refreshing time.

This year we decided NOT to take children! Kaja stayed with her grandparents, and the little guy we're hosting through Safe Families stayed with another host family for the weekend (they had hosted him before and were so excited to see this sweet baby again!). Poor Gordon had to work, so I was on my own for the Retreat. It was weird not having my family there, and I went through a little withdrawal, but after I got over the shakes, I determined to make the most of my time.

The speaker for the weekend was Peter Frey, a Crossorads alum. I was thinking of adjectives to describe his teaching, and I came up with "passionate" and "biblical." Then I looked at his website and realized I wasn't the only one who thought that (it's so true)! He had excellent things to say, and it was an incredible blessing not just to hear him teach, but also to reconnect a little bit with his wife, Mary, who is pretty much awesome in every way (we were in the same small group once upon a time)!

The theme for the weekend was "Hearing God's Voice." In the first session, Peter reflected on the way God seems so easy to hear and focus on when we're at a retreat, away from the stress and distractions, out enjoying creation far from the hustle and bustle and noise of our daily lives. He said it wasn't that God was speaking louder in those moments, but that we were actually taking the time to listen. One of the overarching points for the weekend was that God never stops speaking to us.

There was a significant amount of free time where I had the opportunity to ponder what we had heard. I found my mind wandering to the last time I was here at the retreat, struggling with the burden of a colicky infant. I began to reflect on how much things had changed in the last two years. I thought about how far we had come, how miraculous it was that we all survived, but most of all, I remembered the way God spoke to me in those times. It was then, in the darkest, loneliest moments, when I didn't think I could physically make it another hour, when I was at the end of my rope and feeling more desperate than I had ever felt before, that God ministered to me in the most profound ways. Help is most appreciated by those who are most in need. It was in the dark solitude of the night watches that He reassured me "I will never leave you, nor forsake you" (Joshua 1:5); "The Lord who watches over you... will neither slumber nor sleep" (Ps. 121); "The Lord is my light and my salvation" (Ps. 27). It was when my strength was ready to give way, when I was exhausted and shaking from fatigue that I remembered it was "the Everlasting God, Creator of the ends of the earth" who "gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak" (Isaiah 40).  It was then I was able to say "my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Ps. 73).

Once the door was opened, memories flooded back to me. Memories of all the times I really felt like I heard God's voice. As I thought back over the years, over the trials, the frustrations, the triumphs, the blessings, the highs and lows and every moment that I had found myself standing in awe of God, I realized something. Just like Peter had said, God never stops speaking those things. It seems so obvious, so simple, but GOD. NEVER. CHANGES.

So think back. Think about all the times you've been truly moved by God. Think about the comfort you've received when you were hurting. Think about the times you said "it would take a miracle to pull this off!" and a miracle happened. Think about the days you were so humbled by the tremendous grace He showed. Think about the times you lost yourself in the marvelous beauty of His creation. Every time in your life that His power made you tremble, His goodness made you dance for joy, His forgiveness set you free, His people became your family, His faithfulness made you want to declare it to the world--all of the truly awe-inspiring moments where you realized you had truly seen God.

And now remember that He "is the same, yesterday, today, and forever." (Heb. 13) God says "I the Lord do not change" (Malachi 3:6). He is all of those things, all the time. He is all of those things right now. Right. Now.

And yet today, only 5 days out from the retreat, I find myself already running on empty. I came back to real life, and it hit hard. Both kids came home with nasty viruses (different ones at that, so I get to worry about them giving it to the other!), Gordon was at a conference in Seattle, and I was confronted with the very worst of myself. Anxiously worrying about the children, growing bitter at the sleepless nights bouncing from one sick bed to another, patience wearing thin and temper flaring as I struggled to meet the needs of my tired, fussy little ones. This afternoon I threw up my hands and said "Everything I got out of the retreat is already gone!" And that's when I realized (once again) what an idiot I was. Because the truth I got out of the retreat was that it doesn't matter where you are right now, because God never changes. He is always at His best and His greatest, whether we realize it or not. 

So my goal for tonight, and tomorrow, and next week, is just one thing: to remember. Not even to remember one specific thing, just to remember God. Anything about God. Because I know that all of it is always true. "The Lord is righteous in all His ways, and faithful in all he does." (Ps. 145) "in Him there is no darkness." (1 John 1)

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.

He Giveth More Grace (by Annie J. Flint)

1. He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
   He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
   To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
   To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.
2. When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
   When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
   When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
   Our Father’s full giving is only begun.
3. Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
   Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
   Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
   The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.
4. His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
   His power no boundary known unto men;
   For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
   He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Great is Thy Faithfulness (Thomas O. Chisholm)

Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
there is no shadow of turning with thee;
thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not;
as thou hast been thou forever will be.
Refrain:
Great is thy faithfulness! Great is thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
all I have needed thy hand hath provided;
great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
sun, moon and stars in their courses above
join with all nature in manifold witness
to thy great faithfulness, mercy and love. Refrain

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! Refrain

Nebulizer treatments for everyone!!!
These kids are real troopers, and I'm so glad they're on the mend!
Praise God for modern medicine!

Dear moms of fussy babies...

Last week when I picked her up from the church nursery, I was told that my daughter--the one they used to turn away at the door, the one who wouldn't sleep, the one who did nothing but scream for the first year of her life--MY daughter was "PERPETUALLY JOYFUL." 
I can't say it enough: IT GETS BETTER!!! 
I've gotten quite used to my delightful child by now, but anytime I get one of those comments it makes me pause and remember the way things once were. It fills my heart with wonder and deep, deep gratitude.
I remember those days all too well, and I wish I could travel back in time so I could tell myself how different things would be, how they would soon become "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" (Eph. 3:20). So I am passing it on to you. They are NOT colicky forever. They grow into such amazing and wonderful people, and as long and as hard as your road is, your "present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed" (Rom. 8:18). It's awful, but it's worth it. It gets so much better!
Tonight I sat in our rocking chair, cradling my daughter, and sang the hymn I used to sing through all the watches of the night. Same chair, same child, same song, new perspective. "Praise the Lord in joyful numbers, your protector never slumbers!"
God is faithful, praise the Lord!

Before: Her first day home from the hospital. We had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into...

After: This is the gusto with which she attacks everything in life now
(seriously, she runs to the breakfast table like this)!

Our Home

I looked around at our apartment tonight, thinking about how cluttered it was, listing all the projects I wanted to try, looking at the floors that need to be refinished, wondering if I was ever going to fix the organizer that got ripped off the wall, sighing as I saw the chaotic piles closing in on me from every corner, realizing how very different this place was from the way I thought it would be.
Then I looked around at our home and saw our life.
I remembered the brand new wood floors, put in just before we were married, and I saw the ground-in dirt at the entryway from all the guests and family we've welcomed into our home, and the scuffs and stains around the table from the meals we've shared.
I remembered the pristine walls, freshly painted, giving a clean, open, serene feel to the room. Then I saw the pictures of our lives together, the messy artwork our toddler so proudly taped up herself, the stains behind the couch(!) from the food our daughter devoured so happily, the gaping hole from that poor organizer, torn down by a child we took in for a month so his mother could get back on her feet.
I remember how spacious and airy our living room once felt, then I saw how full it has become from all the furniture, books, and toys which inevitably come when you add more people to your family.
I remember how I spent the first few months of our marriage meticulously organizing every nook and cranny, a place for everything and everything in its place. Then I thought of our toddler sleeping in the walk-in closet, our valuable storage space now holding something far more precious.

It's so easy for me to look around at this place and see the mess, the clutter, the scars, and the lack of space. So often I grow discouraged at how out-of-control the mess feels, how poorly decorated our apartment is compared to my friends, how I just don't have the time, space and resources to do with this place what I would have liked.
This place is so very far from what I imagined it would be when we first moved in as newlyweds, but our lives have turned out so very different from what we expected.
Tonight, I remembered that this apartment has been our home for the last three years. We have lived our lives in this place, not some fantasy daydream life where everything fits perfectly in lovely bins bought with coupons at the dollar store (and now you know what I daydream about...). This place has been our home through the exhaustion of medical residency, the sleepless nights with a colicky baby, loss of loved ones,  the heartbreak of miscarriage. This has been our home when we held each-other and wept, and when we jumped around laughing for joy. It has seen insecurity, sickness, fear, depression, defeat, bitterness, and sacrifice, but it has also seen healing, comfort, growth, hope, unconditional love, and faithfulness.
It has welcomed family, hosted dear friends, been a home-away-from-home for college students, taken in at-risk children. It's where our marriage started, and the only home our daughter has ever known.
It may not be as pretty as a magazine, but to me, and I hope to the many others who have graced it with their presence, it is a thing of beauty.

Our lives have not been serene, but they have been full. Our lives have not been organized, things did not happen "as planned," but praise God, we are learning to be flexible and receive each moment, each new adventure or challenge as a chance to learn and grow in Him.
This is the story of our family, this is a reflection of our lives together, this is a testament to the goodness and faithfulness of our marvelous Creator.
It's not pristine, it's not pretty, but it is magnificent. It is a thing of wonder, and there's no place I would rather be.

And the best part is, we're just getting started!!!

When I Don't Know What To Say, I Sing...

If I could describe my first 15 months of parenting, I would definitely use words like "turbulent" and "unpredictable." Other things come to mind, too, but there are some words I try not to utter in polite company.


I think every mother knows the feeling of constant change. When the baby is born, your world turns upside-down. The minute you start to feel like you're getting into a routine, figuring out what your little one needs, they grow and change! Then it's back to the drawing board, slowly coming to grips with your new reality, only to have it change again in a few weeks or months.


You often feel as if you are being tossed back and forth on the billows of a stormy sea. My sweet daughter is a prime example. She is a child of extremes, and when the pendulum swings, you had better hang on tight! The unpredictable and often instantaneous (not to mention inexplicable) shift from "delightful" to "terrible" can be downright demoralizing.


You are left feeling lost, helpless, frustrated, and utterly exhausted. Constantly trying to catch up, to understand the unknowable, fighting a losing battle against this little force of nature you are powerless to control. I know I am not the only mom who feels this way (and I imagine plenty of people who aren't mom's have other situations that make them feel this way), so I thought I'd share some of the hymns that I sing to my screaming child when I have nothing else to turn to.


It's not an exhaustive list by any means. The Holy Spirit often lays a hymn, scripture, or line on my heart when I need it most, but these are the ones that I find myself returning to over and over again, as I fight through the stormy days (and nights), struggling just to keep up with my mercurial child.


(I've italicized the lines or verses that are especially meaningful to me)

This little song from a cassette we listened to in the car as children has remained with me, and is one of the first cries of my heart when "I don't know what to do" Thank you, Mom.

"Cares Chorus"

"I cast all my cares upon you.

I lay all of my burdens down at your feet.

And anytime I don't know what to do

I will cast all my cares upon you."

"Be Still, My Soul" 
(I love the fact that this hymn tune is "Finlandia" by Sibelius!)
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897


1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.


(My kid may be unpredictable, but my God is always faithful)


2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.


(How perfect to know that, though we are at a loss, God knows every mystery, and is in command over all our storms)


3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.


4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.




A newer hymn by Keith Getty has become especially meaningful as I labor through my own "storms." The line about midnight meeting the morning still brings me to tears as I remember those long, lonely nights, rocking my colicky baby, watching the moon make its way across the dark sky, praying for the rising of the sun. 


"Jesus Draw me Ever Nearer"


Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.

And, of course, I can't forget the hymns I sing every day as I rock my child to sleep:

"Children of the Heavenly Father"

Children of the heav’nly Father
Safely in His bosom gather;
Nestling bird nor star in Heaven
Such a refuge e’er was given.

God His own doth tend and nourish;
In His holy courts they flourish;
From all evil things He spares them;
In His mighty arms He bears them.

Neither life nor death shall ever
From the Lord His children sever;
Unto them His grace He showeth,
And their sorrows all He knoweth.

Though He giveth and He taketh,
God His children ne’er forsaketh;
His the loving purpose solely
To preserve them pure and holy.

Lo, their very hairs He numbers,
And no daily care encumbers
Them that share His ev’ry blessing
And His help in woes distressing.

Praise the Lord in joyful numbers:
Your Protector never slumbers.
At the will of your Defender
Ev’ry foeman must surrender.

(another good reminder that God is with us through those long night-watches!)

"Day by Day" 

1. Day by day, and with each passing moment,
   Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
   Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
   I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
   He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
   Gives unto each day what He deems best—
   Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
   Mingling toil with peace and rest.
2. Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
   With a special mercy for each hour;
   All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
   He Whose Name is Counselor and Pow’r.
   The protection of His child and treasure
   Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
   “As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
   This the pledge to me He made.
3. (Sometimes we need a new mercy each hour! I am so thankful that my Lord will give me the strength I need to make it through each day. No more, no less, but exactly what we need.)
4. Help me then in every tribulation
   So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
   That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
   Offered me within Thy holy Word.
   Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
   E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
   One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
   Till I reach the promised land.

"Trust and Obey"

"Trust and obey

For there's no other way

To be happy in Jesus

But to trust and obey."

My Thoughts on Saying "No"

As expressed in the title, these are just my thoughts. I'm not suggesting a parenting method, just saying what resonates with me and seems to work with my daughter. I'm no expert, I just know my kid. Everyone is different, and my views may change someday when a new child comes along. Maybe you'll like it and adopt some of my techniques. Maybe you'll disagree and tell me the totally opposite method that you employ. Either way, I hope you enjoy reading it, and I'm always up for hearing new ideas!

I recently heard about a parenting philosophy that suggested parents shouldn't say "no" to their children. The concern was that it would stifle their creative spirit, or something. I would never want to crush my daughter's individuality by forcing conformity, but I believe that we all must learn to respect appropriate boundaries. I want my little one to understand that the world does not revolve around her, there are other people who deserve her consideration, and she simply cannot do exactly what she wants whenever she wants. Also, I would very much like to keep her alive as long as possible. "No" can help with that.

That being said, I have to admit I actually do make an effort to avoid the word "no." I'm not some wishy-washy parent who is afraid to confront her own progeny, though, I swear! Here, in no particular order, are my reasons for avoiding (not eliminating) the use of the word "no" in my interactions with my daughter:

1. If I said "no" for everything she wasn't supposed to have/touch/do/go/eat/say, etc. then practically EVERYTHING in her world would be "NO!" Or at least, it would seem that way.
2. I reallllly didn't want "NO!" to be her first word (it was her second...). I figured I'd hear her say it enough later on, I'd rather delay her acquisition of this vocabulary as long as possible.
3. She is extremely strong-willed, and when I say "no," she responds by throwing a fit. I'm not afraid of her tantrums, and I don't back down in this battle of wills, but the thought of dealing with tantrums all day, every day was terribly unappealing to me (see reason number one).
4. I want her to take me seriously when I say "no." Like the boy who cried wolf, if everything is "no," it would lose it's potency over time (especially if I became weary from all those tantrums!), and then where would we be when her response was REALLY important?

So, what does it mean to "not say no?" Unlike the suggestions I heard such as "try to redirect them" or "give them options" I simply rephrase my cease-and-desist order. The words are different, but the message is the same: "That behavior is unacceptable." But I hope the message is improved, because I try to include the reason why, or suggest a preferable alternative. The way I see it, "NO!" is like stopping a car with a brick wall: effective, but painful. I'd like to help her come to a halt a bit more gently. It will lower her gas mileage and extend the life of her brake pads. Here are some of my tactics:

• "That's mama's. Here, this one is yours." (not only does she learn to respect other people's property, but she learns possessive pronouns, too!)
• "It's not time for X" (An important lesson to learn from Ecclesiastes 3)
• "That will hurt you!" (pretty self explanatory)
• "Give that to mama please." (I have found this one incredibly useful as toddlers seem to really enjoy giving things to people!)
• "YUCK!" (we're still working on this one. She has actually learned to recognize things I might identify as "gross," such as trash cans, toilets, garbage on the sidewalk, drinking her dirty bath water, etc. but she thinks the yucky sounds I make are hilarious, so she will display interest in them just to hear my reaction. Thankfully she is starting to make her own yucky sounds, and I'm hoping I can reinforce the behavior that goes with the funny noise. Also, we have an alphabet book that uses "Yak" for the letter "Y." She thinks I'm saying "yuck." It's her favorite page.)
• "Come here, please." (someone once pointed out that when we tell a child "don't X," the only verb the child hears is the unwanted behavior (X). She suggested that we might try using--or including--the desired behavior as well. Makes sense to me.)

I still say "no" a lot, and she still doesn't like it. But I try to reserve "No" for when I really mean it (when you need to throw up that proverbial brick wall in front of your child). These are typically matters of health and safety (for her, or for those around her). Some things that are definite "No's:"

• Walking into the street. (I frequently explain to her that "streets are for cars, sidewalks are for people," but if she's making a break for it, then "NO!" or "STOP!" is what she's going to hear!)
• Putting things in the toilet (mainly fingers, but not exclusively. this is an ongoing struggle)
• Getting too close to the oven/stove (I used duct tape to draw a line on our kitchen floor. She knows not to cross that boundary. Of course, whether she conforms to that rule is another story)
• Picking up an object identified as "yuck" (I do NOT want my kid eating the cigarette buts on the sidewalk outside our apartment!!! Like the street, this one is explained in other terms first. The "no!" comes when she  pays no heed and goes straight for the nastiness)
• Pinching, hitting, and other forms of intentional violence. (I follow this one up with "That hurts! Be gentle!" in an effort to encourage the desired behavior. So far there is no progress in this regard. Any suggestions on how to deal with a child who pinches when she's frustrated?)

The nice thing right now is that she's still small enough (and slow enough) that I can physically stop her if she refuses to obey. I'm trying to teach her these lessons before that ceases to be the case. Progress is slow, but blessedly present. I often feel like I'm herding a cat, or raising a hyperactive kleptomaniac, but God continues to bless me with glimpses of obedience. Nothing makes me more proud than when my daughter demonstrates some measure of self-control. Given her temperament (we knew she was a stubborn and opinionated little fighter by the second trimester!), I have prayed she would learn self-control more often than any of the other spiritual fruit.

Of course, in order to develop spiritual fruit, you have to have the Holy Spirit working in your life. And to that end, the thing I pray for her the most is that she would one day come to the realization that seeking her own way will never lead to satisfaction or fulfillment; that when she follows her own desires she becomes a slave to them; that her attempts to live in complete conformity and obedience will also fail; and that no matter how sweet, brilliant, creative, thoughtful, determined or beautiful she is (and I believe she is all of those things!), she will never live up to the perfect standard set before her. At least, not on her own. I pray that these truths will drive her to the One who has seen her weakness, who knows her failings, who has felt her rebellion, and loves her just the same. 

A Work In Progress: Learning to Obey...

It was another rough day, with both of us fighting colds. It's very easy for me to get frustrated and overwhelmed by the whining and the crying and the tantrums and the general neediness, but I am so very thankful for the little glimpses of growth God lets me see in my beautiful daughter.

I've been teaching her what "obey" means: "to listen to mommy and do what she says." We've been talking about it and "practicing" it for weeks. She usually just ignores me, then throws a fit when I assert my will (usually by picking her up and moving her out of harm's way). Occasionally she listens and really seems to understand what's expected of her. You can see her pondering her next move. On rare occasions, she decides to comply, and I rejoice as if we'd found a cure for cancer. More often she decides to follow her own way, and the battle of wills ensues. It often feels like we're getting nowhere, but I know it's one of those things where the fruit is a very long time coming! Fighting these battles now will hopefully produce results later on, and that is the hope that keeps me going.

Today, we were out on a walk, and she was headed straight for a grimy puddle. I called out "STOP!" and she stopped!!! Glory, hallelujah, she stopped!!! I praised her up and down for doing such a good job obeying, then I told her to go around the puddle. She paused. I held my breath. She looked at me, smiled, and, pointing to the puddle, made the sign for "water." Well, she's not going around, but she's not plowing through it either, that's a start! Tentatively, I explained to her "Yes, that is water, but it's yucky water. Go around, please!" And without another thought, she cheerfully circumvented the mud.

There were hugs, and kisses, and thanks, and praises, and all manner of professions of love and pride and hope from this one little act of obedience! I held my child in a warm embrace and explained to her: "I love you when you obey, and still I love you when you don't obey, but I make these rules to keep you safe. I tell you to do these things because I love you and I don't want you to get hurt. When you obey me, that's your way of telling me that you love me."

Tonight I am reading 1 John. Chapter 5, verse 3 says "this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome." Oh, how is it that I still need to learn the same lessons I am teaching my little one?! I can hear my Heavenly Father now: "I created you to walk in my light. If only you would just listen to me and do what I say! I know what is best for you because I designed you, and I tell you to do these things because I love you, and I want to keep you safe."

When my daughter obeys me, I'm not happy because I can control her, or because I got my own way. I'm happy because she is listening to me, and values what I have to say. When she hears my voice and does what I ask, it tells me that she trusts me not to lead her astray. What could be better than that?

Lord, teach me to listen to you, and value what you say. I know you love me. Teach me to trust that you only want what is best for me, and help me to follow your will.

There's a hymn my mother taught me when I was very young, and now I sing it to my own daughter. I didn't understand it then, but these days it is making more sense:

My little puddle-jumper!

"Trust and obey,
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus,
But to trust and obey."

--Text by John H Sammis
(full lyrics can be found here)

A Work In Progress

***This is the first post in a series on lessons I'm learning through motherhood. The posts will probably be very spaced out (I don't have a great track record on regular posting), and there might be other posts in-between, but every once-in-a-while I hope to put up another post on the topic! Look for the tag "Work In Progress"

A few weeks ago, as I was wearily pushing the stroller at a brisk pace in frigid weather, bracing myself against the brutal Chicago wind, wishing I had remembered my hat and scarf, all in a desperate attempt to help my sleep-deprived little one get some kind of nap (she has always slept better in the stroller, but wakes up as soon as I stop moving or go inside), I began to reflect on all the things I've learned since becoming a mother. (phew! How's that for a run-on sentence?)

As my sweet daughter continued to sleep, I had ample time to tabulate a surprisingly long list. I believe I've grown more in the last 10 months than any other "stage" of my life. I would also have to say that these first 10 months of motherhood have easily been the hardest of any stage thus far.

And that was when I started to wonder why I always seemed to grow more in times of trial than I ever did in success. Honestly, my first thought was "How come God can teach other moms the same lessons and still give them babies who sleep through the night?!" My initial response was something along the lines of "Wow, I must be a really slow learner if God had to resort to such extreme methods! Maybe I should be praying for a more teachable spirit!"

But then I remembered how often God does exactly what I ask, but in a way that is terribly different from what I had in mind. For instance, I once asked for an extension on a midterm project and a break from responsibilities for about a week, never actually believing it would happen. But the next day I contracted shingles and wound up with a doctor's note for--guess what?--A week off of school (and yes, I got that extension, too)! Then there's all those times I've prayed for a humble spirit, only to turn around and get utterly humiliated. Yeah, sickness and public disgrace are certainly not what I had in mind, but you know what? I got exactly what I asked for. God's methods are always effective. Be careful what you pray for!

I have long believed that people are more willing to learn in difficult situations. Think about the classes you took in school: Which ones drove you to study harder and seek help? Easy classes are easy because we know most of the material already (or we think we do, at least). We study more in those difficult classes because we realize how much we have to learn. It's the same in life: When things are going smoothly, it's easy to believe that we have all the answers. But when things go wrong, we realize how much we need help. People are the most receptive when they are the most desperate. God sends trials our way not because He's a vindictive god who delights in watching His creation squirm, but because He cares about our character and education, and wants to make sure we learn His lessons well.

Well, that answers my first question ("why I always seemed to grow more in times of trial than I ever did in success"), but not my second ("How come God can teach other moms the same lessons and still give them babies who sleep through the night?"). I think I was heading east on Superior, into the wind, when I realized "We all learn essentially the same lessons, but in different times and different ways." Any good teacher will tell you that one method does not fit all. You have to tailor your approach based on factors like age, ability, classroom dynamic, learning styles, resources available, number of students, timeframe, and many, many others. One of the baby books I reference frequently ("What to Expect the First Year) repeats this adage in every chapter: "All babies are different." Well, all people are different, too, and I am so very thankful that our God knows and loves each one of us individually. Who better to tailor our curriculum than the One who made us, and took great care in every detail (Psalm 139)? I don't know what lessons those other moms need to learn, and I don't know what and how He has already taught them. I'm glad I don't have to. It is enough for me to trust that God is teaching them and teaching me. My job is only to learn. (Psalm 131)

As I was reflecting on these things before writing this post, I wondered if sometimes God uses difficult methods to test how willing we are to learn. It's easy to ask for humility, but you have to really want it if you're going to stare humiliation in the face and accept it as an opportunity to grow! I am fond of saying "it's not our circumstances that change us, it's how we respond to them." If you don't want to learn, you probably won't. But that doesn't mean God won't continue to teach you.

I want to throw in a disclaimer here: I'm not saying that the only reason we experience hardship is because God has something to teach us. He has many purposes for trials, and I never want to give the impression that all you have to do is "learn your lesson" and the hard times will stop! In fact, that is rarely the case. What I am saying is, no matter what your situation, God can always teach you something. Romans 8:28 is an often misinterpreted passage that reads "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." A lot of people assume that the "good" refers to things in this life, but if you keep reading, you discover what "His purpose" is: "...to become conformed to the image of His Son." (Romans 8:29) That verse doesn't mean God will make sure everything turns out all right in the end. It really means that our infinitely wise and creative God can use anything as an opportunity to help us grow to become more like Jesus Christ.

I guess I'll just continue to pray for a teachable spirit, even though I know that probably means I'll continue to learn my lessons "the hard way."

I'd like to share some excerpts from two of my favorite hymns. I have sung these to my baby girl every day since she was born, but I know I need these words far more than she does at this point. Both hymns were written by Karolina Sandell-Berg (a Swede!) and translated to English by Andrew L. Skoog.

Children of the Heavenly Father (verse 5)

"Tough He giveth and He taketh

God His children ne'er forsaketh.

His the loving purpose solely

To preserve them, pure and holy."

Day by Day (portions of verses 1 and 3)

"He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,

Gives unto each day what He deems best...

"Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,

E'er to take, as from a Father's hand,

Willingly, the days, the moments fleeting,

Till I reach the promised land."

Ode to my crazy baby girl

Warning: You are about to read my feeble attempt at poetry. Continue at your own risk!

Add some cutesy illustrations of baby animals and you've got a children's book! ;)

I love you when you're happy,

I love you when you're sad.

I love you when you scream,

Even though it drives me mad.

I love you when you're wet,

I love you when you're dry.

I love it when you laugh,

I still love you when you cry.

I love you when you puke on my dress,

I love you when you pee on the floor.

Even though you make a mess,

I couldn't love you more.

I love you whether rain or shine,

I love you when it doesn't rhyme.

I love you, Baby, all the time.

I love you, just because you're mine.

On Love and Sacrifice

This post was inspired by a discussion of this quote:

"We have meekly agreed that the kitchen sink is an obstacle instead of an altar... The routines of housework and of mothering may be seen as a kind of death, and it is appropriate that they should be, for they offer the chance, day after day, to lay down one's life for others."

-Elisabeth Elliot

Let me put it this way: First, while I find housework rewarding (as unpleasant as the chore may be, there is a sense of satisfaction in the final result), it is rarely my first choice (I have yet to meet someone who looks forward to doing dishes). But it is something that has to be done, everyone has basic needs that must be met through cooking, cleaning, and other chores. As a wife and mother, I have made the choice to provide not just for my own needs, but also for the needs of my family. And, as is true in so many areas of life, to choose to do one thing, is to choose NOT to do a host of other things. We make these kinds of choices everyday, when we choose to go to work rather than sleep in (we regard maintaining our employment at a higher value than a few extra Z's), or when we choose onion rings instead of french fries with our Happy Meal (totally worth the extra charge). In High School, my choice to be involved in marching band and youth symphony meant I couldn't participate in other extracurriculars like the cross-country or speech teams. Sure, it was a bummer I couldn't do those things, but I wanted to play music more, and I don't regret it.

So sure, I'd rather read a good book, or hang out with friends, or sleep, or watch TV than do laundry or change diapers, but I choose to do these things, becasue I know that providing clean clothes for my family will be far more rewarding in the end. The death is not mine, rather my choice to love and serve my family necessitates the death of other activities I may have enjoyed.

"Sacrifice" is defined as "an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy." That is what my status means. I have sacrificed some of my valued activites for the sake of my family, which I regard as more important. While sacrifice is never easy, this is not a death to be mourned. Rather, I have given of myself in order to receive something greater. In this case, a happy, joy-filled home. How could I regret that? Thinking in these terms takes mundane, tiresome chores and turns them into something greater, something filled with meaning.

Jesus said "Greater love has no man than this: that he should lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13)

We revere as heroes the soldiers, police, firefighters and numerous others who made the ultimate sacrifice for the sake of another, yet we ignore the fact that so many women willingly and happily "lay down their life" day after day for those they love.

Don't worry, this is not a tragedy forced upon me, this is a choice I am proud to have made, and I know my husband and daughter will appreciate this gift of myself.

Now, everyone go hug your mothers! ;)