"Teddy's Song"

A year and a week ago, we found out we were expecting. After two years of hoping and heartbreak and miscarriage, I was so delighted! But I remember breathing a prayer on my way to church: “Lord, this baby belongs to you. Help me to hold this child with an open hand.” Exactly a week later I was going to get my first lesson:

That morning in church we sang a song, called “Behold Our God.” I had never heard it before, and to be honest, I wasn't a huge fan. It just takes me a while to process and connect to unfamiliar songs, so I remained unmoved. But we had a running playlist of the songs we sing in church so Kaja could learn them and participate in service, and I added it to the rotation.

Later that afternoon, I went to the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding. I was crushed. Time stopped and I couldn't see or hear or think anything besides “We're losing this baby, too.” I don't know how long I sat there, trying to breathe, but the first sound that made it past the ringing in my ears was the playlist running in the other room:

Who has held the oceans in His hands?
Who has numbered every grain of sand?
Kings and nations tremble at His voice
All creation rises to rejoice

Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!

Who has given counsel to the Lord?
Who can question any of His Words?
Who can teach the One who knows all things?
Who can fathom all His wondrous deeds?

Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!

You will reign forever...

The lyrics reference God's response to Job when he questions his suffering and loss. God reminds him that He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and sovereign over all things, and although things don't make sense to us, everything makes sense to Him, and this life is part of something so much bigger than we could ever comprehend. The reminder that our strong, wise, and loving God is in charge was exactly what I needed in that moment. Still devastated, but reassured.

I bled off-and-on for nearly a month, and every time the bleeding restarted, I thought “This is it, the miscarriage is finally starting.” But it never did, and baby kept growing healthy and strong!

That was only the beginning of our pregnancy scares, which included placenta previa (it moved just enough by the end of the pregnancy and never ruptured), exposure to Lymphocytic Choriomeningitis (which most likely would have killed or maimed the baby had I not already unknowingly built an immunity thanks to previous exposure to this rare virus), and a uterine rupture during an attempted VBAC (the OB caught it just in time, we had an emergency C-Section, and are both fine. In the OR, when I heard him point out where my old scar was tearing open, I realized how very narrowly we had escaped tragedy).

Throughout the pregnancy, this song kept popping up. It seemed that on the days I was most overwhelmed by the fear of losing another baby, I would inevitably hear it on the radio or we would sing it in church (at our old church, at a church we visited once, and even on the first Sunday we visited our new church). Sure enough, we even sang it on baby Teddy's first Sunday at church (I should say, the congregation sang. I held my baby tight and wept grateful tears into his soft, brown hair). This morning, a year after hearing the song for the first time, a year after my heart was shattered by what I thought was another miscarriage, I sat in service, rocking my baby boy, listening to my daughter singing next to me: “Behold our God, seated on His throne. Come let us adore Him...”

Our baby's middle name is a variant of John, which means “The Lord has been gracious to us” and He truly has.

Learning to Read with "Sing Spell Read and Write!"

When I was a kid, I learned to read using the Sing Spell Read and Write curriculum by Sue Dickson. It's awesome, and covers WAY more than just reading/writing! I loved it, and always figured I'd use it with my kids. I bought the pre-K curriculum package, and would recommend buying their whole package if you're looking for a curriculum (if you buy nothing else, get the level 1 CD for all the phonics songs!) but there are plenty of free/cheap resources we found:

You can find tons of explanations and demos on youtube by typing in the curriculum name, but here are our favorite videos:

The Phonics Song: This is the alphabet with pronunciations instead of letter names. I started playing it when my daughter was a toddler, and she was trying to sound out words before she was 2! I love that there is a slide show with the letters as they're singing so kids can learn to associate the shapes with the sounds.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asfVlQ0bmv4&list=PL32962BEB0218870A

Here's another version, with the chart/placemat that comes with the curriculum pack (worth making or buying one of your own):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXc-_hxRXlo

And here are 2 links of kids singing it, because it's adorable, and there is no better motivator than seeing other kids do it, too!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyXogrVY89o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w70ZRbTOXFk

When they get more advanced, there is a song for the short vowels (which they've already learned in the alphabet song) :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2k8xYMWMDc&list=PLTJdTUd9iEZtmh3Nn0yxab8_JGKTQhvGW&index=2

And new long vowel sounds:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldxIEIgbaWA

Once they've got the letter sounds, then they move on to 2-letter combinations, once again, using singing:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CC1yCleMLhc 

I did the above activity by writing the vowels on a magnetic white board, then swapping out magnet letters for the consonants.

It takes a while to get to the combination stage, but once they've got it, it's amazing to watch them take off! We used the BOB books after that to introduce really simple words, and she loves reading! (I bought the first set from Amazon, and they gave me the option to buy the Kindle version for .99 as well. The physical books were really important as she was learning to read, I think, but after getting through set 1, we used the Kindle Owner's Lending Library to borrow each set as we needed them. Yay for free readers!)

http://www.amazon.com/Bob-Books-Set-Beginning-Readers-ebook/dp/B00HDPOY84/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1400968584&sr=8-1&keywords=bob+books 

Anyway, I hope that's helpful! We really enjoy the songs, and I made homemade  charts, books, and coloring pages by using black and white clip art for each letter (print each letter/picture combination and put them in a dollar-store photo album!).

When I Don't Know What To Say, I Sing...

If I could describe my first 15 months of parenting, I would definitely use words like "turbulent" and "unpredictable." Other things come to mind, too, but there are some words I try not to utter in polite company.


I think every mother knows the feeling of constant change. When the baby is born, your world turns upside-down. The minute you start to feel like you're getting into a routine, figuring out what your little one needs, they grow and change! Then it's back to the drawing board, slowly coming to grips with your new reality, only to have it change again in a few weeks or months.


You often feel as if you are being tossed back and forth on the billows of a stormy sea. My sweet daughter is a prime example. She is a child of extremes, and when the pendulum swings, you had better hang on tight! The unpredictable and often instantaneous (not to mention inexplicable) shift from "delightful" to "terrible" can be downright demoralizing.


You are left feeling lost, helpless, frustrated, and utterly exhausted. Constantly trying to catch up, to understand the unknowable, fighting a losing battle against this little force of nature you are powerless to control. I know I am not the only mom who feels this way (and I imagine plenty of people who aren't mom's have other situations that make them feel this way), so I thought I'd share some of the hymns that I sing to my screaming child when I have nothing else to turn to.


It's not an exhaustive list by any means. The Holy Spirit often lays a hymn, scripture, or line on my heart when I need it most, but these are the ones that I find myself returning to over and over again, as I fight through the stormy days (and nights), struggling just to keep up with my mercurial child.


(I've italicized the lines or verses that are especially meaningful to me)

This little song from a cassette we listened to in the car as children has remained with me, and is one of the first cries of my heart when "I don't know what to do" Thank you, Mom.

"Cares Chorus"

"I cast all my cares upon you.

I lay all of my burdens down at your feet.

And anytime I don't know what to do

I will cast all my cares upon you."

"Be Still, My Soul" 
(I love the fact that this hymn tune is "Finlandia" by Sibelius!)
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897


1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.


(My kid may be unpredictable, but my God is always faithful)


2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.


(How perfect to know that, though we are at a loss, God knows every mystery, and is in command over all our storms)


3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.


4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.




A newer hymn by Keith Getty has become especially meaningful as I labor through my own "storms." The line about midnight meeting the morning still brings me to tears as I remember those long, lonely nights, rocking my colicky baby, watching the moon make its way across the dark sky, praying for the rising of the sun. 


"Jesus Draw me Ever Nearer"


Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.

And, of course, I can't forget the hymns I sing every day as I rock my child to sleep:

"Children of the Heavenly Father"

Children of the heav’nly Father
Safely in His bosom gather;
Nestling bird nor star in Heaven
Such a refuge e’er was given.

God His own doth tend and nourish;
In His holy courts they flourish;
From all evil things He spares them;
In His mighty arms He bears them.

Neither life nor death shall ever
From the Lord His children sever;
Unto them His grace He showeth,
And their sorrows all He knoweth.

Though He giveth and He taketh,
God His children ne’er forsaketh;
His the loving purpose solely
To preserve them pure and holy.

Lo, their very hairs He numbers,
And no daily care encumbers
Them that share His ev’ry blessing
And His help in woes distressing.

Praise the Lord in joyful numbers:
Your Protector never slumbers.
At the will of your Defender
Ev’ry foeman must surrender.

(another good reminder that God is with us through those long night-watches!)

"Day by Day" 

1. Day by day, and with each passing moment,
   Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
   Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
   I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
   He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
   Gives unto each day what He deems best—
   Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
   Mingling toil with peace and rest.
2. Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
   With a special mercy for each hour;
   All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
   He Whose Name is Counselor and Pow’r.
   The protection of His child and treasure
   Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
   “As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
   This the pledge to me He made.
3. (Sometimes we need a new mercy each hour! I am so thankful that my Lord will give me the strength I need to make it through each day. No more, no less, but exactly what we need.)
4. Help me then in every tribulation
   So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
   That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
   Offered me within Thy holy Word.
   Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
   E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
   One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
   Till I reach the promised land.

"Trust and Obey"

"Trust and obey

For there's no other way

To be happy in Jesus

But to trust and obey."

Orchestra Dreams

I'm told it's pretty typical to dream you show up to class only to discover there's an exam on material you haven't studied, or that you go to give a speech and you're up on stage completely naked, but I've never had any of those dreams. I have dreamed of being late for orchestra, though:

Last night I dreamed I was playing in the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. Except instead of Robert Chen, it was Pinchas Zukerman (one of my favorite violinists) in the concertmaster's chair, and I was sitting next to him! I'm not sure which I would be more nervous to play with...

Our conductor was a young, very dynamic Ricardo Muti look-alike, and we were playing some non-existent but very cool sounding modern piece (I swear, my unconscious brain is 100 times more musically creative than my conscious self. Either that or I have poor taste in music when I'm asleep!). It must have been a special rehearsal, because there were tons of people observing it.

We went on break, and somehow I ended up talking to former music director Daniel Barenboim, who was one of the observers. He asked me what I did for a living (an odd question, considering the circumstances), and I gave him my real-life answer (I teach theory on the weekends, but most days I stay home with my adorable baby girl). He seemed a little confused that I didn't mention playing in a professional orchestra, but was polite enough not to mention it. We ended up having a lovely conversation about teaching, and before I knew it, I was LATE for the second half of rehearsal!!!

As I was rushing back in (sure enough, they were already tuning!), who should greet me at the door but my former violin teacher Stefan Hersh! He scolded me for being irresponsible and told me I was fired. I tried to tell him I was talking to DANIEL BARENBOIM, but that didn't seem to impress him. Rats! I guess I'll never find out how the piece ended!

********************

This may be the most elaborate orchestra dream I've had, but it is by no means the first:

I remember when I was 12 years old, having a nightmare that I showed up to Youth Symphony, and just minutes before rehearsal started, I went to get out my instrument and opened the case to discover I had forgotten my bow! I could have redeemed the situation by finding someone with an extra bow I could borrow, except there was no time, and I was sitting in the front row with no way to be discreet. Mr. Tham (I've never been more afraid of a conductor than I was of him) was going to kill me!!! Thankfully I woke up before he could tear me asunder.

Of course, we won't go into the time when I showed up to a real rehearsal without my instrument! Talk about my worst nightmares come true! I was a soloist, too! But that's another story...

********************

So, what about you? Anyone else out there have strange orchestra dreams, or am I just completely neurotic?

Music In Sweden!

As you all know, music is one of my most favorite things here on earth. It's pretty awesome. Most of you also know how much I love Sweden and my heritage (hence the awesome trip!). But I think few of you know that a few years ago, I nearly combined these two loves by going to grad-school in Sweden!

Yes, that's right. During my senior year, I started to apply for a masters in violin performance at the Royal Institute of Music in Stockholm. I was beginning to make travel arrangements for my audition when I discovered that I couldn't get the proper funding I needed for a student visa, since all the grants I would have applied for had ridiculously early deadlines that I had already missed. I was hopeful when I found a grant from the Swedish government specifically for international students who wanted to do graduate work in Sweden, so I contacted them. Of course, their grant only applied to institutions that taught in English (of which there are many), but the conservatory classes are taught mostly in Swedish (a language I was studying at the time). I guess I wasn't international enough for them, or something. Anyway, without the necessary financial resources, I withdrew my application and went to IU instead, which ended up being a fantastic two years, but that's beside the point.

Of course, once I finally made it to Sweden, I just HAD to visit what could have been my school! So while Dan was being a good student and attending class, I found my way to the Kungliga Musik Högskolan:This is the entrance to the main building (they had 5 altogether). I'll admit, I kind of expected the Royal Institute of Music to look a little more impressive, I dunno, like a castle or something, but I liked the atmosphere, nonetheless. Once inside, I found it had a relaxed but businesslike feel, and I suddenly had this overwhelming desire to practice...



As I was exploring, I followed the signs to the auditorium, not expecting to be able to get in, but was delighted to see that a rehearsal was going on, so I snuck* in to listen for a bit. They were playing Stravinsky's "L'Histoire Du Soldat," which has a killer violin part. They sounded pretty good, and that familiar urge to find a practice room continued to grow...
I couldn't get to said practice rooms, as they were in another building which you needed a key-code to enter (yes, I tried being the creeper who hangs around the door until someone else enters or exits, but it was a really slow day, and I was cold!). However, back in the main building I was surprised to find digital pianos lining a hallway of teaching studios:

It's hard to tell, but it pretty much alternates piano-bench-piano-bench, all the way down the hall. You can even see someone practicing (with headphones, of course)!


To conclude my visit, I spent a significant amount of time browsing through their bookstore, where I found an interesting Music History textbook (see the previous post), and almost bought the Music Theory text that they use. I stood there paging through it, reading the musical examples and deciphering the different terms and symbology, trying to convince myself that it was worth 300 Kronor (about $45). I didn't end up getting it, which was probably for the best, but I still totally want it!

..........................................................
One of the many cool things about Stockholm is that music seems to be everywhere, including the subways! No, no, I'm not talking about street musicians or headphones that are too loud, I mean this subway station actually has music in it:


("Hiss" means elevator, in case you were wondering.)



I was pleased to discover that if you put all of the little snippets together, each wall had a complete tune:





Although, what "La Marseillaise" was doing in the Hötorget station is beyond me (actually, I have a theory, which has something to do with the royal family)...



I didn't have time to check the other side, since our train was arriving (they're disconcertingly prompt in Sweden!!!), but I'll give a special prize to someone who can tell me what this excerpt is:
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Hoo boy! Are you getting tired of seeing pictures of music yet??? I hope not, because the best is yet to come: On Tuesday, we visited the MUSIC MUSEUM (or, Musikmuseet, if you want to be authentic)! The museum was housed in a 300+ year-old building, which used to be an industrial bakery for the army base across the street (which is now the army museum across the street).














You may notice that it looks like we took these pictures late at night. Surprise! They were actually taken around 4:00pm, after it had been dark for a while (the official sunset time for that day was 3:05 pm. I thought these early sunsets were pretty neat, in a dark and cold sort of way).

But I digress! Back to the music! There was so much to see and do! A lot of it was interactive, with instruments that you could play and electronics to manipulate. I wish I could tell you about everything, but since this is already a ridiculously huge post, I'll just give you a few highlights.

The museum focused largely on folk instruments, and though it was primarily Swedish music, there were some really excellent exhibits representing many other countries from around the world.
Here we have a few favorite Scandinavian folk instruments:

1. The Hammer Dulcimer (this is Dan's dubious dulcimer debut, let's give him a hand!)












2. The Nyckelharpa, Sweden's national instrument:












3. The Hardanger Fiddle, made famous by the LOTR soundtrack:



The Hardanger fiddle was named for the Hardanger Fjord, which is where Norwegian (but really Scottish) composer Edvard Grieg spent his summers... Because I know you were wondering about that.


But enough with these pictures, what do they SOUND like??? Well, with Dan's help, and thanks to the magic of cell phones, I am proud to give to you this once-in-a-lifetime experience of seeing TWO of Sweden's national symbols combine for an unprecedented cultural sensation:

Ladies and Gentlemen, a Dallahäst playing the Nyckelharpa!

Before we leave the music museum, I have to show you what I personally thought was by far the coolest thing in there. It was a demonstration of the different types of action in a Clavichord (simple lever), Harpsichord (plucked), and piano (a more complex hammer/lever system).















You could play each of the keyboards and look through the glass top to see (and hear) how the different instruments work. I was so happy to finally get to explore and compare the various actions. I called this the "magic box" and told Dan I wanted one for Christmas...
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On Saturday, my last full day in Sweden, Dan took me to Skansen, an open-air historical museum. This place was one of the neatest things I saw in Sweden! Basically, they built a typical 18th-century town and countryside (most of the buildings are original, dating back two or three hundred years) and populated it with "historical interpreters in period costume." It runs all year, but this weekend was special because it was the opening of the annual Christmas market (a topic for another post, I think). I mention Skansen because, in addition to the organ grinder and the wandering accordion player,















There was also a group performing folk songs while people danced around the Christmas tree in the square (another yuletide tradition)! Most of the people who were dancing were either the historical re-enactors (watch for their cool costumes!), or parents with their small children, but it looked like so much fun that Dan and I had to join in! We danced for a few songs, and I think we both had a blast! We were surprised to recognize a number of the songs from recordings that we grew up hearing at home! I guess my family really is Swedish!

(Sorry for the sideways video! I have no idea how to rotate video 90 degrees! If anyone would like to enlighten me, that would be greatly appreciated!)


*Spell check is underlining "snuck," so I looked it up. Yes, the traditional past-tense of "sneak" is "sneaked," but the usage of the form "snuck," although at first confined to the American dialect, is generally regarded as an acceptable alternative (though in a formal setting, "sneaked" is still recommended).

Confession Time...

Okay, time to come clean. I have this problem. Well, I have a lot of problems, but I think it might be best to just share one at a time. So here goes: I have very little follow-through when it comes to long-term projects.

This blog is a case in point. If you notice my last post was over a month ago. I made multiple posts a week for a while, but that didn't last long. I'll admit, I'm not terribly surprised.
True, I could tell you that I got sick shortly after my last post, and my schedule filled up fast when I got better as I was catching up on all that I missed the previous week, and I could add that I got sick again two weeks later, but honestly, the lapse was inevitable. It's one of the reasons I hesitated starting a blog in the first place: I knew my tendency to lose interest.

I have a journal tucked away in my bedside table. I started this journal as a girl (the first entry was dated January 9, 1995). It's still not full. This book is a sporadic chronicle of my young life. There will be a cluster of entries, then a long gap before the next entry, which usually consisted of me exclaiming about how long it had been since I had last written (I once made it nearly two years!). I have another journal, which I started in college. I wrote in it every day for almost two months (I was so proud of myself!), then never again. It's packed away in a box somewhere, I think.

It's not just journaling that I have trouble with. Like many people, my list of New Years resolutions fallen by the wayside is tragically long. I could fill one of my poor neglected journals with the habits I have failed to build! I take heart in knowing that I am not the only one who has trouble with this. I read that only 12% of people achieve their January 1st goals. If you want a musical example, just check out how many symphonies Schubert started, but never finished (no, it's not just the famous one!).

Long story short, I am a person, and people are inconsistent. As hard as we try, there will always be things we let slide. Even the most reliable person in the world will let you down if you give them long enough. We're human, and sometimes we fail, even with the best intentions.

I am so glad God is not human! Here is what the Bible has to say about His track record:

"God is not a man, that he should lie,
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
Does he promise and not fulfill?"
(Numbers 23:19)

"He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind."
(1 Samuel 15:29)

"He is the Rock, his works are perfect,
and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong,
upright and just is he."
(Deuteronomy 32:4)

"The works of his hands are faithful and just;
all his precepts are trustworthy.
They are steadfast for ever and ever,
done in faithfulness and uprightness."
(Psalm 111:7-8 )

"Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.
The LORD is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made."
(Psalm 145:13)

"I the LORD do not change. So you, O descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed."
(Malachi 3:6)

"If we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself."
(2 Timothy 2:13)

"he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
(Philippians 1:6)

Part of God's faithfulness is His refusal to give up on us. Philippians clearly states that God won't stop until He has taught us what He wants us to learn. He wants us to emulate his reliability:

"He gave them these orders: "You must serve faithfully and wholeheartedly in the fear of the LORD."
(2 Chronicles 19:9)

"Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers."
(1 Timothy 4:15-16)

"We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."
(Hebrews 6:11-12)

"Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful."
(1 Corinthians 4:2)

I don't know about you, but this all sounds a little intimidating to a girl who can't even write a blog post once a week. Thankfully, God is gracious and offers chance after chance to practice being dependable. Just like a good father, He gives us little things to be responsible for, and gradually increases the load as we are able to bear it.

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'"
(Matthew 25:21)

Hopefully God can use this blog to teach me a little bit more about faithfulness...

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8)

Career Changes...

This past May, I received my master's degree in Music Theory from Indiana University. The typical course of study for theory is to continue to a Ph.D, but I decided not to pursue it, at least for the time being, for many reasons. My main reasons were that I wanted to return to Chicago to be closer to my family and my fiance, and if I committed to several more years of grad school, we would most likely have to postpone our wedding (heaven forbid)!

So this Summer found me living with my parents in the suburbs, looking for work. Music theory is a subject taught primarily at the college level, though it can also be taught in high school or through community music schools. Of course, because of the economic downturn, not only had the area univiersities issued hiring freezes, but the community schools were also struggling to retain students, as many families were trying to cut back on expenses in these hard times. I sent out resume after resume, contacting schools, institutions and everyone I could think of, to no avail. The lingering question in my brain was: Was it really the right decision to leave grad school? I couldn't help but think that I would be more marketable as a teacher if I had my Ph.D, and of course, I would remain in school a few more years, giving the economy a chance to recover. This summer was a summer of frustration and doubt, but there was always plenty to be thankful for, because I was home with my parents, who graciously let me stay with them rent-free, and being unemployed, I had copious amounts of free time to chat with friends, spend time with my fiance, or help my parents.

My decision not to pursue a Ph.D. was made primarily because of my desire to become a wife, and someday a mother. You don't need a doctorate to do that, right? Of course, I currently am neither a wife, nor a mother, nor am I a student, and technically, I have no "career," either. I felt an intense lack of purpose, like I was in limbo, waiting for something to happen: a teaching position, my wedding, children, something.

A job finally did come along, but not the kind I was expecting. We had brand new neighbors move in next door to us: a husband, wife, 15-month-old baby, and a dog. The wife was preparing to return to work for the first time since the baby was born, and they were looking for childcare. Of course I jumped at the opportunity: I love children, I needed a job, and they were right next door--you can't get more convenient than that! So now I am a full-time nanny, taking care of a 15-month-old boy, and a sweet dog. 10 hours a day, 5 days a week I get to pretend to be a mommy, with a baby to take care of, a dog to look after, meals to cook, and a house to keep clean. And, I'm getting paid for it!

Of course, it can still seem like a bit of a disappointment to tell people that I just got my master's degree, have two years of teaching experience at the college level, and am currently a nanny. The other day, after telling a woman about how much I enjoyed spending my days playing with this sweet little boy, she wished me luck on my job search and said she sincerely hoped things would look up for me very soon. I guess it all comes down to personal priorities: I chose marriage over further schooling, and now I am thankful for the chance to learn and prepare a little bit before the big day comes! I sometimes feel shy telling people, because I know they will think I was hoping for something better. But really, what could be better than to spend my days playing with, caring for, and yes, teaching such a sweet little boy, all while gaining valuable experience and life lessons? And boy, am I learning a lot from this guy! But that's another post! Right now I have a little boy who is waking up from his nap...