"Teddy's Song"

A year and a week ago, we found out we were expecting. After two years of hoping and heartbreak and miscarriage, I was so delighted! But I remember breathing a prayer on my way to church: “Lord, this baby belongs to you. Help me to hold this child with an open hand.” Exactly a week later I was going to get my first lesson:

That morning in church we sang a song, called “Behold Our God.” I had never heard it before, and to be honest, I wasn't a huge fan. It just takes me a while to process and connect to unfamiliar songs, so I remained unmoved. But we had a running playlist of the songs we sing in church so Kaja could learn them and participate in service, and I added it to the rotation.

Later that afternoon, I went to the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding. I was crushed. Time stopped and I couldn't see or hear or think anything besides “We're losing this baby, too.” I don't know how long I sat there, trying to breathe, but the first sound that made it past the ringing in my ears was the playlist running in the other room:

Who has held the oceans in His hands?
Who has numbered every grain of sand?
Kings and nations tremble at His voice
All creation rises to rejoice

Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!

Who has given counsel to the Lord?
Who can question any of His Words?
Who can teach the One who knows all things?
Who can fathom all His wondrous deeds?

Behold our God seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him!

You will reign forever...

The lyrics reference God's response to Job when he questions his suffering and loss. God reminds him that He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and sovereign over all things, and although things don't make sense to us, everything makes sense to Him, and this life is part of something so much bigger than we could ever comprehend. The reminder that our strong, wise, and loving God is in charge was exactly what I needed in that moment. Still devastated, but reassured.

I bled off-and-on for nearly a month, and every time the bleeding restarted, I thought “This is it, the miscarriage is finally starting.” But it never did, and baby kept growing healthy and strong!

That was only the beginning of our pregnancy scares, which included placenta previa (it moved just enough by the end of the pregnancy and never ruptured), exposure to Lymphocytic Choriomeningitis (which most likely would have killed or maimed the baby had I not already unknowingly built an immunity thanks to previous exposure to this rare virus), and a uterine rupture during an attempted VBAC (the OB caught it just in time, we had an emergency C-Section, and are both fine. In the OR, when I heard him point out where my old scar was tearing open, I realized how very narrowly we had escaped tragedy).

Throughout the pregnancy, this song kept popping up. It seemed that on the days I was most overwhelmed by the fear of losing another baby, I would inevitably hear it on the radio or we would sing it in church (at our old church, at a church we visited once, and even on the first Sunday we visited our new church). Sure enough, we even sang it on baby Teddy's first Sunday at church (I should say, the congregation sang. I held my baby tight and wept grateful tears into his soft, brown hair). This morning, a year after hearing the song for the first time, a year after my heart was shattered by what I thought was another miscarriage, I sat in service, rocking my baby boy, listening to my daughter singing next to me: “Behold our God, seated on His throne. Come let us adore Him...”

Our baby's middle name is a variant of John, which means “The Lord has been gracious to us” and He truly has.

Pantry Meals!

One of the projects I've been working on for some time is the idea of "pantry meals." These are a collection of "emergency meals" comprised of non-perishable or frozen ingredients. The main idea is to have all the necessary parts on hand for those days when life catches up to you and you don't have any dinner plans or time/money to head to the grocery store.

I use these myself a lot when life gets crazy, especially during the seasons when we have Safe Families placements in our home. I've also started bringing "kits" to friends when they could use a little extra help (new baby, moving, death in the family, general stress, etc). Most of the ingredients are canned or dry goods, which are pretty inexpensive, and they don't take up any of that valuable freezer space! The idea is to have all the materials on hand, to use anytime you want without worrying about spoiling. I wanted to share these ideas, with ingredients, recipes, and sources, in the hopes that it makes life a little easier for someone else.

I'd like to add a little disclaimer: some might express concern over the "processed foods" used in a few of the recipes (not to mention the sodium content of any canned food). Don't worry, my family doesn't eat like this every day. Like I said, these are "emergency meals" for when I don't have time to buy fresh produce or cook meals from scratch. The way I see it, these options are way better than fast food.

Prep notes: I take a little time to prep and freeze some of the perishable items in advance, so they're stored up when I need them. I usually buy a few onions to dice and freeze in bags containing 1/2 and onion each (since that's what most recipes call for). I also buy a big bag of shredded cheese and split it into 1 cup portions to freeze. We usually buy frozen chicken breasts to use for these recipes, and I also will buy ground beef and freeze it in advance (I understand you can brown it first, then freeze it, but I just freeze it raw and thaw it to cook. Not sure which one keeps better). I also have a massive jar of minced garlic from Costco that lives in my fridge. I much prefer fresh garlic, but that jar is a lifesaver in a pinch, and that's what these recipes are for, right?

What about you? Do you have any stand-by/emergency meals? I'm not gonna lie, a jar of spaghetti sauce, or a box of mac 'n cheese can be a lifesaver on a crazy day (add frozen spinach to either of those for an extra veggie kick)!

Chicken Pot Pie

(from "arishaun" at http://ask.metafilter.com/156778/What-are-your-favourite-recipes-that-use-no-fresh-ingredients)

This is one of my favorites because it is so quick to put together and the results are yummy! I've even served this to (surprise) company a few times!

1 can low sodium Campbells/condensed cream of chicken soup

1 can low sodium mixed veggies 

1 12.5oz can of white breast chicken meat 

1 ready made pie crust (the refrigerated ones that come rolled up in a box, like these. They can be frozen for quite a while!)

1) mix canned ingredients (don't drain the veggies, break chicken into smaller chunks)

2) place one layer of pie crust in pan, add filling, cover with second layer of crust.

3) Bake at 375 for 30 minutes.

One Dish Chicken & Rice Bake

(from Campbell's Kitchen)

1 can condensed cream of mushroom soup

1 cup water (just use the soup can, leave 1cm at top)

3/4 cup uncooked white rice

1/4 tsp. paprika

1/4 tsp. black pepper

1.25 lbs chicken breast halves (another thing you can keep in the freezer)

1 can of veggies, drained (or frozen veggies), optional.

1. Mix soup, water, rice, paprika, pepper and veggies in a 2-quart shallow baking dish.

2. top with chicken (thawed). Season with additional paprika and cover.

3. Bake at 375 for 45 minutes or until chicken is cooked through and rice is tender. 

4. Let stand 10 minutes and stir rice before serving.

Broccoli, Chicken and Cheese Casserole

(Another favorite, compiled from many different versions across the internet!)

1 can condensed broccoli cheese soup

1 cup water (just use the soup can, leave 1cm at top)

3/4 cup uncooked white rice

1 12.5oz can chicken (drained)

frozen chopped broccoli

1/2 onion, diced (this ingredient you can buy frozen or do yourself)

2 Tbs. butter or oil

1/2 sleeve crushed Ritz crackers

1 cup grated cheese (cheese freezes nicely, too)

1. Preheat oven to 375

2. Saute onion in butter/oil.

3. Combine onions, soup, water, rice, chicken and broccoli in a shallow baking dish

4. sprinkle crackers and cheese over top

5. bake at 375 for 45 minutes.

Chili Cheeseburger Casserole

(modified from Taste of Home's Chili Cheese Dog Casserole)

This is another family favorite, but requires quite a few more "perishable" ingredients. The beef, onions, and cheese can all be frozen. Milk and eggs for the cornbread mix are just something I need to always have on hand.

1 can chili

1 can vegetables (I prefer green beans)

1 package Jiffy cornbread mix 

• 1/3 cup milk
• 1 egg

1 lb ground beef 

1/2 cup chopped onions

1 cup shredded cheese (divided)

chili powder and garlic powder to taste

1. prepare corn bread batter according to package directions. Spread half of batter in a greased 8-inch square baking dish; set aside.

2. In a large skillet, brown the beef and saute the onions.

3. stir in chili, drained veggies, garlic powder and chili powder. 

4. Once heated through, stir in 3/4 cup of cheese

5. Spoon into baking dish, top with remaining cornbread batter, top with cheese.

6. bake, uncovered, at 350 for 28-32 minutes. Let stand 5 minutes before serving.

Chicken in Peanut Sauce

(sauce recipe from Cooks.com)

2 Tbsp. smooth peanut butter

2 Tbsp. soy sauce

1-2 cloves minced garlic (can use jarred minced garlic, or garlic powder if you don't have fresh)

1/4 cup water

1 Tbsp. brown sugar

juice from half a lemon (I never have lemons on hand, so I usually leave this part out, no worries)

1 can chicken (or use cubed fresh/frozen chicken if you have it on hand)

Frozen green beans or other vegetable (optional, but I like to try to have veggies in as much as possible!)

rice

In a non-stick pan, combine all ingredients except chicken and vegetables, stirring constantly over medium heat until peanut butter has melted. You can do this in the microwave too, for about 30-40 seconds.

Stir in chicken and vegetables and heat through (if using fresh/frozen chicken, stir-fry in oil to cook through before combining).

Serve over rice.

Coconut Milk Curry Chicken

(Delicious recipe found here)

4 boneless chicken thighs, cubed (I use breasts because it's what we have in the freezer)

1 cup sliced onions

1 potato, cubed (this is the only "fresh" ingredient you need on hand, and I think you can even get canned potatoes if you really want)

5 cloves of garlic, chopped (best if it's fresh, but you can use the jarred minced garlic)

1 can coconut milk

2 Tbsp. curry powder

2 Tbsp. butter

Olive oil

Rice

1. In a large skillet, melt butter on low heat, then add curry powder

2. Add coconut milk and stir

3. In a separate skillet, saute garlic and onions in olive oil until translucent

4. add chicken to the onion mixture and brown.

5. add the onion/garlic/chicken mixture and potatoes to the coconut milk/curry mixture, increase heat and bring to a simmer.

6. Cover and reduce heat to medium-low. Simmer for 30 minute, or until chicken is cooked through.

Serve over rice.

Working together to mix ingredients!

"What's Your Secret?"

*Warning: This is a confession post. I have no brilliant tips or strategies except the advice that I need to be following myself.

"Losing the baby weight." My goodness, I had no idea what an obsession that was until I started gaining my own! Surf the web and you will find page after page of diets, exercises, and other contraptions to help you on your journey to get your "pre-pregnancy body" back. There are even photo galleries for mommies to show off their post-baby-bellies online!

Because several of my friends have also recently had babies, I've had the privilege of hearing all about the wonderful and creative ways they have found to get back in shape. I took notes as one friend shared what she is learning about healthy foods and how to make reasonable diet/lifestyle changes that will get her whole family on the road to excellent health; I've been inspired by a friend who trained for (and completed) a triathlon (talk about hard core!); and was delighted to hear about a friend who took up ballet again after several years away from the art. The creativity, research, discipline, motivation and extra effort that this takes is tremendous, and I just think it is so awesome to hear about everything people are doing for the sake of their health.

That's why I cringe whenever anyone asks me what I've been doing.

I lost all of my pregnancy weight within the first 10 weeks of my daughter's life. A year later, I weigh what I did back in high school. I grimace whenever anyone asks me what my secret is, because, honestly, I'm ashamed of my answer. I want to keep it a secret. I say this because I haven't really been doing anything.

Chocolate? What chocolate?

While my other friends are making smart choices, working towards a goal, and intentionally seeking things that will promote their health, I have not. What's my secret? My secret is a tiny, colicky task master who wouldn't let me sleep, eat, or stop moving for almost 12 months. There is nothing healthy about exhaustion. My diet was "grab whatever little bits you can while she's quiet." There were no meals, there was very little cooking, and grocery shopping usually ended abruptly due to a screeching infant, so my diet was mainly pre-packaged, non-perishable items, aka "junk food." Thankfully, I was never able to eat more than a few nibbles here or there, so at least my intake was limited.

My exercise plan was pretty similar. I think I have only intentionally "worked out" three times since my daughter was born. However, every day (and most of the night during the early months!) was spent carrying around a baby who was rapidly increasing in size and weight, dancing around and bouncing her up and down, in the only repetitive motions that seemed to soothe her. Add to that the fact that she loves the stroller (for a while it was the only place she would sleep other than my arms), and you end up walking EVERYWHERE! It's pretty typical for us to walk several miles in the course of an afternoon. I should get a pedometer... Did I mention that she starts to cry if you move too slowly? 

Our trusty Phil&Ted's jogging stroller that has traveled
 countless miles through rain, wind and snow, soothing a fussy baby!

Yes, I lost a lot of weight, and I lost it FAST, but it only came as a side-effect of exhaustion and mal-nourishment. I'm probably one of the least healthy mommies I know. 

I was thinking about that, and realizing that everything I said about my physical diet could be said of my spiritual diet, as well. Just like cooking and meals, I almost never had the time to sit quietly with my Bible, reading, studying, and praying. I would try to "grab whatever bits I could" by listening to the audio Bible on biblegateway.com, putting verses around the house, singing hymns I had memorized, and reading Bible stories to my baby, but I filled my time with a lot of "junk food," too. Watching TV while rocking a fussy infant seems appealing, but it's never as satisfying as you want it to be. I spend way too much time watching hulu and stalking friends on facebook, and not enough time making a conscious effort to consume healthy, worthwhile things. 

The weight loss that comes from physical starvation can be viewed as a pleasant side-effect if you're hoping to shed some pounds, but spiritual starvation only leaves you scrawny, weak, and hungry. Physically, you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me that I was unhealthy. On the outside I appear fit and active, but on the inside I'm missing all kinds of nutrients. I think spiritual starvation is more readily apparent. I can put on a good face for a while, but I just can't seem to grow those "fruits of the spirit" like I want to:

• Love? It feels like everything I do these days is out of a selfish motivation. 
• Joy and Peace? I'm constantly grumbling or upset about little things that have gone wrong, or expectations that have not been met (nevermind how many expectations I've failed to meet for others!).
•  Patience? I've lost count of how many times I've snapped at someone or lost my temper this week, and it's only Tuesday! 
• Kindness, Goodness, and Gentleness? If you're selfish, short-tempered and grumbling, there's not a lot of room for those things in your heart! 
• Faithfulness? Don't get me started on how many promises have been broken, how many commitments have fallen through, how many emails remain unanswered, projects unfinished, housework undone, the list goes on...
• Self-Control? Please, make it stop!

This cannot go on. I'm miserable, and my family is suffering, too.


My precious daughter has mellowed out quite a bit now that she's almost 15 months, toddling around, and able to use baby sign-language to communicate some of her basic wants and needs. She's still perhaps a little more "high needs" than other babies her age, but all in all, she is worlds better than she was! We're finally coming out of "survival mode" and beginning to figure out ways to help our household run smoothly. 

Feeding my family (myself included), physically and spiritually, is at the top of my list. For now, we're just taking baby steps (no pun intended... I think) like buying more fresh produce (I'm so very thankful for our neighborhood farmer's market!), keeping track of what everyone has eaten that day (how much has been protein, fruits, vegetables, junk food, etc), praying before meals, and reading a bible story together every morning. God also sent me a hidden blessing by crashing my computer's hard-drive, so there has been a significant decrease in the amount of time I have managed to waste online ("Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways." Psalm 119:37)! I can only pray that these small changes will quickly become easy habits, and we can begin to add more and more. 

I think I'll hold off on those marathon aspirations for now, "but the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day..." (Proverbs 4:18)

This little board book of the parable of the lost sheep is one of her favorites.
 I think it has something to do with the "baa!" sounds mommy makes...

Foods I Have Craved During Pregnancy (thus far...):

1. Ritz crackers
2. Canned peaches
3. French fries
(these first three were all I wanted/felt I could eat when I had morning sickness, but we spent 2 weeks in Taiwan, and could find NONE of these things!!!)
4. Potato chips
5. POPCORN!
6. BAGELS!
7. MACARONI AND CHEESE!
8. Taco Bell soft tacos (ask me about our fancy date night!)
9. Crab rangoon
10. Soft pretzels (I've wanted one for months, and STILL haven't had one!)
11. Refried beans (last week, I had homemade burritos every day for lunch: refried beans, cheese, avocado and diced tomato. YUM!)
12. Pickles (yep, I'm a cliche!)

I've also been on a citrus kick lately (oranges, clementines, grapefruit, yum!), and mozzarella sticks sound really good to me right about now... ;)