On the radio this morning, I heard a woman identify busyness as the main cause of loveless marriages. I stopped to listen closer, thinking that surely there had to be other, more ominous reasons she was overlooking, but what she had to say made sense to me. She continued to describe how two people, though married, can fill their schedules with activities which they carry out separate from each other. This means that work, errands, exercise, leisure, and time with friends are all activities performed as individuals, not as a couple. When one spends the majority of their time acting as an independent person, without spending significant quality time with their mate, they run the risk of losing their connection. Over time, that strong emotional bond wanes until the marriage relationship becomes more like that of roommates or business partners. Hardly what I would want from a marriage!
I immediately thought of a book written by renowned marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman entitled "The Five Love Languages" (http://www.fivelovelanguages.com).
In this book he sorts expressions of affection into 5 broad categories:
1. Words of affirmation (saying nice things)
2. Acts of service (doing nice things)
3. Physical touch
4. Gift giving
5. Quality time
Chapman says that while people use and accept all five of these categories, most people tend to have one or two which they prefer over the rest.
My primary love language is quality time, so the talk about busyness on the radio really resonated with me: More than anything else, I want to spend time with the people I love, and I feel most loved when those people choose to spend time with me. Other methods like gift-giving or words of affirmation mean very little to me, all I want is to be close to my friends and family.
Of course, I also am an overachiever, getting myself involved in too many projects, constantly filling my schedule with more activities. For instance, I'm currently a full-time nanny, teaching 4 private music students, working in the computer lab at my alma mater on Saturdays, playing in my community orchestra, and teaching Sunday School at my church. Every single day of my week is spoken for, and at least three, sometimes four evenings are also taken. I have become so busy that when I do get a spare moment, I just want to take some time for myself and decompress. This makes it really hard to get together with friends, spend time with my family, or even see my fiance (who has an equally busy schedule, might I add).
I understand that spending large amounts of time with people is probably not absolutely necessary in order to maintain friendships. A quick phone call, email, note on facebook, card, present, or something else could probably help fill the gaps between the times you see each other, but my principal mode of communication when it comes to friendships is time. Everything else seems second-rate (this may not be true for you, if your preferred love language is not quality time).
I am really starting to feel the effects of this in my life! When I am around my fiance, I am so happy, things just feel right. When I'm going about my week, however, working my jobs, not seeing him much (if at all), just doing my own thing, I almost start to feel like I'm single again. The less time I get to spend with him, or the longer I go without talking to him, the weaker our bond starts to feel, at least for me. Don't get me wrong, I love him very much all the time, I never doubt that, but the reality and significance of our relationship starts to fade unless I get to see him, and not just see him, spend time with him. It doesn't matter what we do, we don't have to go to a fancy restaurant or do something exciting. I'm usually more than happy to go grocery shopping, take a walk, sit and read with him, whatever, just so long as we're together.
It works this way with friends, too. This sounds obvious, but my dearest friends are the ones I spend the most time with. When I spend less time with my friends--even my really close ones--we start to drift apart. I find it's harder to talk to them, harder to feel the same connection. But of course, after I get to hang out with them again, I feel much better.
This really forces me to think about where my priorities lie. I know that my busy schedule can be detrimental to my relationships, so I have to decide which is more important to me: my various jobs and other activities, or my friends and family? So this month I am pausing to consider my schedule. While I love what I do, and find all of my activities to be fun and fulfilling (I wouldn't do them otherwise), I hope that the things and activities I love will never take precedence over the people--living beings, with hearts and minds--that I love so much!
What about you??? What do you think about busyness? What is your primary love language? I'd love to know! :)
