Reviewing my Reflections from the 'Refuel' Retreat. Or just: "Remember."

Gordon and I have the privilege of being "adult mentors" for Crossroads, our church's university ministry. We're still trying to wrap our heads around the fact that we are passing off as adults, much less mentors, but that's not what this post is about. Every year the group has a weekend Fall retreat in a beautiful rural area by a lake in Michigan. There's always great teaching, worship, bonding, new friendships, hilarious skits, beautiful scenery, and generally a very spiritually refreshing and encouraging time (hence, the title "Refuel").

The last time we attended the retreat (2 years ago), we took our then 5-month-old colicky daughter, and it was a nightmare. She didn't sleep well in her own bed, and the new environment had her freaked out like nobody's business. She screamed the whole 3.5 hour car ride up there, refused to sleep, and would cry unless I held her (and I had to be standing and rocking/bouncing, too. No sitting allowed). I spent the entire weekend holding a fussy baby, spending both nights in the glider rocking chair that Divine Providence placed in the living room of the house we were staying. Then she screamed all the way home, too. Not a refreshing time.

This year we decided NOT to take children! Kaja stayed with her grandparents, and the little guy we're hosting through Safe Families stayed with another host family for the weekend (they had hosted him before and were so excited to see this sweet baby again!). Poor Gordon had to work, so I was on my own for the Retreat. It was weird not having my family there, and I went through a little withdrawal, but after I got over the shakes, I determined to make the most of my time.

The speaker for the weekend was Peter Frey, a Crossorads alum. I was thinking of adjectives to describe his teaching, and I came up with "passionate" and "biblical." Then I looked at his website and realized I wasn't the only one who thought that (it's so true)! He had excellent things to say, and it was an incredible blessing not just to hear him teach, but also to reconnect a little bit with his wife, Mary, who is pretty much awesome in every way (we were in the same small group once upon a time)!

The theme for the weekend was "Hearing God's Voice." In the first session, Peter reflected on the way God seems so easy to hear and focus on when we're at a retreat, away from the stress and distractions, out enjoying creation far from the hustle and bustle and noise of our daily lives. He said it wasn't that God was speaking louder in those moments, but that we were actually taking the time to listen. One of the overarching points for the weekend was that God never stops speaking to us.

There was a significant amount of free time where I had the opportunity to ponder what we had heard. I found my mind wandering to the last time I was here at the retreat, struggling with the burden of a colicky infant. I began to reflect on how much things had changed in the last two years. I thought about how far we had come, how miraculous it was that we all survived, but most of all, I remembered the way God spoke to me in those times. It was then, in the darkest, loneliest moments, when I didn't think I could physically make it another hour, when I was at the end of my rope and feeling more desperate than I had ever felt before, that God ministered to me in the most profound ways. Help is most appreciated by those who are most in need. It was in the dark solitude of the night watches that He reassured me "I will never leave you, nor forsake you" (Joshua 1:5); "The Lord who watches over you... will neither slumber nor sleep" (Ps. 121); "The Lord is my light and my salvation" (Ps. 27). It was when my strength was ready to give way, when I was exhausted and shaking from fatigue that I remembered it was "the Everlasting God, Creator of the ends of the earth" who "gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak" (Isaiah 40).  It was then I was able to say "my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Ps. 73).

Once the door was opened, memories flooded back to me. Memories of all the times I really felt like I heard God's voice. As I thought back over the years, over the trials, the frustrations, the triumphs, the blessings, the highs and lows and every moment that I had found myself standing in awe of God, I realized something. Just like Peter had said, God never stops speaking those things. It seems so obvious, so simple, but GOD. NEVER. CHANGES.

So think back. Think about all the times you've been truly moved by God. Think about the comfort you've received when you were hurting. Think about the times you said "it would take a miracle to pull this off!" and a miracle happened. Think about the days you were so humbled by the tremendous grace He showed. Think about the times you lost yourself in the marvelous beauty of His creation. Every time in your life that His power made you tremble, His goodness made you dance for joy, His forgiveness set you free, His people became your family, His faithfulness made you want to declare it to the world--all of the truly awe-inspiring moments where you realized you had truly seen God.

And now remember that He "is the same, yesterday, today, and forever." (Heb. 13) God says "I the Lord do not change" (Malachi 3:6). He is all of those things, all the time. He is all of those things right now. Right. Now.

And yet today, only 5 days out from the retreat, I find myself already running on empty. I came back to real life, and it hit hard. Both kids came home with nasty viruses (different ones at that, so I get to worry about them giving it to the other!), Gordon was at a conference in Seattle, and I was confronted with the very worst of myself. Anxiously worrying about the children, growing bitter at the sleepless nights bouncing from one sick bed to another, patience wearing thin and temper flaring as I struggled to meet the needs of my tired, fussy little ones. This afternoon I threw up my hands and said "Everything I got out of the retreat is already gone!" And that's when I realized (once again) what an idiot I was. Because the truth I got out of the retreat was that it doesn't matter where you are right now, because God never changes. He is always at His best and His greatest, whether we realize it or not. 

So my goal for tonight, and tomorrow, and next week, is just one thing: to remember. Not even to remember one specific thing, just to remember God. Anything about God. Because I know that all of it is always true. "The Lord is righteous in all His ways, and faithful in all he does." (Ps. 145) "in Him there is no darkness." (1 John 1)

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.

He Giveth More Grace (by Annie J. Flint)

1. He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
   He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
   To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
   To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.
2. When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
   When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
   When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
   Our Father’s full giving is only begun.
3. Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
   Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
   Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
   The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.
4. His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
   His power no boundary known unto men;
   For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
   He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Great is Thy Faithfulness (Thomas O. Chisholm)

Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
there is no shadow of turning with thee;
thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not;
as thou hast been thou forever will be.
Refrain:
Great is thy faithfulness! Great is thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
all I have needed thy hand hath provided;
great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
sun, moon and stars in their courses above
join with all nature in manifold witness
to thy great faithfulness, mercy and love. Refrain

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! Refrain

Nebulizer treatments for everyone!!!
These kids are real troopers, and I'm so glad they're on the mend!
Praise God for modern medicine!

Dear moms of fussy babies...

Last week when I picked her up from the church nursery, I was told that my daughter--the one they used to turn away at the door, the one who wouldn't sleep, the one who did nothing but scream for the first year of her life--MY daughter was "PERPETUALLY JOYFUL." 
I can't say it enough: IT GETS BETTER!!! 
I've gotten quite used to my delightful child by now, but anytime I get one of those comments it makes me pause and remember the way things once were. It fills my heart with wonder and deep, deep gratitude.
I remember those days all too well, and I wish I could travel back in time so I could tell myself how different things would be, how they would soon become "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" (Eph. 3:20). So I am passing it on to you. They are NOT colicky forever. They grow into such amazing and wonderful people, and as long and as hard as your road is, your "present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed" (Rom. 8:18). It's awful, but it's worth it. It gets so much better!
Tonight I sat in our rocking chair, cradling my daughter, and sang the hymn I used to sing through all the watches of the night. Same chair, same child, same song, new perspective. "Praise the Lord in joyful numbers, your protector never slumbers!"
God is faithful, praise the Lord!

Before: Her first day home from the hospital. We had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into...

After: This is the gusto with which she attacks everything in life now
(seriously, she runs to the breakfast table like this)!

Groanings Too Deep for Words

Life can be hard for babies. They have all these needs and emotions and questions and absolutely no capacity to understand or communicate any of it, poor things! I remember when my daughter was just days old, and voicing some concerns she had about her living situation. My sweet mother put words into her crying mouth, speaking for her "I don't know what's wrong, but fix it, Mommy!"

I had no idea how often I would hear that same "phrase," wailed over and over again in her desperate baby cries. Today was another difficult day. She's been going through a tough period the last few weeks, and I really can't figure out why. Maybe she's teething, maybe she's having a growth spurt, maybe she misses her daddy, who has had a tough work schedule this month, I don't know. Probably a combination of all three, plus other stuff I haven't even considered. Suffice it to say, there have been a lot of tears, and a lot of "I don't know what's wrong!" this week.

During one of her "fits" this afternoon, I spontaneously began to recite Romans 8:26-27:

"In the same way, the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us; with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts, knows what the mind of the Spirit is because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God."

So often I find myself in a similar sort of "funk," not being able to put my finger on what precisely is troubling me, only knowing that things aren't right, and I am unhappy. I find myself wailing to God, "I don't know what's wrong, but fix it!" How glad I am that God's understanding is so much more clear than mine! I'm often at a loss when my daughter cries, but God is never lost. He searches the heart, and knows the mind, and His Spirit fills in the gaps when we simply can't.

In the same way that I hold my precious daughter close, shield her with my arms, and whisper love and encouragement in her ear, so my God holds me close, speaks to me with love, protects me with His outstretched hand. I see my child in distress and want so desperately to find out what is wrong, to help her through her trouble. So does God.

Thank you, Lord, for listening to my groans, for understanding what even I do not, for interceding on my behalf. Thank you for your steadfast love. Teach me to love my own child in the same way.


I have a little card that lists "31 Biblical Virtues to pray for your kids" by Bob Hostetler. I use it as a bookmark in the "One Year Bible Storybook" that I read with Kaja. It makes it easy to pray the virtue for the corresponding day of the month. How fitting that today, the 29th, is Prayerfulness: "Grant, Lord, that my children's lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests" (Eph. 6:18).

When I Don't Know What To Say, I Sing...

If I could describe my first 15 months of parenting, I would definitely use words like "turbulent" and "unpredictable." Other things come to mind, too, but there are some words I try not to utter in polite company.


I think every mother knows the feeling of constant change. When the baby is born, your world turns upside-down. The minute you start to feel like you're getting into a routine, figuring out what your little one needs, they grow and change! Then it's back to the drawing board, slowly coming to grips with your new reality, only to have it change again in a few weeks or months.


You often feel as if you are being tossed back and forth on the billows of a stormy sea. My sweet daughter is a prime example. She is a child of extremes, and when the pendulum swings, you had better hang on tight! The unpredictable and often instantaneous (not to mention inexplicable) shift from "delightful" to "terrible" can be downright demoralizing.


You are left feeling lost, helpless, frustrated, and utterly exhausted. Constantly trying to catch up, to understand the unknowable, fighting a losing battle against this little force of nature you are powerless to control. I know I am not the only mom who feels this way (and I imagine plenty of people who aren't mom's have other situations that make them feel this way), so I thought I'd share some of the hymns that I sing to my screaming child when I have nothing else to turn to.


It's not an exhaustive list by any means. The Holy Spirit often lays a hymn, scripture, or line on my heart when I need it most, but these are the ones that I find myself returning to over and over again, as I fight through the stormy days (and nights), struggling just to keep up with my mercurial child.


(I've italicized the lines or verses that are especially meaningful to me)

This little song from a cassette we listened to in the car as children has remained with me, and is one of the first cries of my heart when "I don't know what to do" Thank you, Mom.

"Cares Chorus"

"I cast all my cares upon you.

I lay all of my burdens down at your feet.

And anytime I don't know what to do

I will cast all my cares upon you."

"Be Still, My Soul" 
(I love the fact that this hymn tune is "Finlandia" by Sibelius!)
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897


1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.


(My kid may be unpredictable, but my God is always faithful)


2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.


(How perfect to know that, though we are at a loss, God knows every mystery, and is in command over all our storms)


3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.


4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.




A newer hymn by Keith Getty has become especially meaningful as I labor through my own "storms." The line about midnight meeting the morning still brings me to tears as I remember those long, lonely nights, rocking my colicky baby, watching the moon make its way across the dark sky, praying for the rising of the sun. 


"Jesus Draw me Ever Nearer"


Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.

And, of course, I can't forget the hymns I sing every day as I rock my child to sleep:

"Children of the Heavenly Father"

Children of the heav’nly Father
Safely in His bosom gather;
Nestling bird nor star in Heaven
Such a refuge e’er was given.

God His own doth tend and nourish;
In His holy courts they flourish;
From all evil things He spares them;
In His mighty arms He bears them.

Neither life nor death shall ever
From the Lord His children sever;
Unto them His grace He showeth,
And their sorrows all He knoweth.

Though He giveth and He taketh,
God His children ne’er forsaketh;
His the loving purpose solely
To preserve them pure and holy.

Lo, their very hairs He numbers,
And no daily care encumbers
Them that share His ev’ry blessing
And His help in woes distressing.

Praise the Lord in joyful numbers:
Your Protector never slumbers.
At the will of your Defender
Ev’ry foeman must surrender.

(another good reminder that God is with us through those long night-watches!)

"Day by Day" 

1. Day by day, and with each passing moment,
   Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
   Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
   I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
   He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
   Gives unto each day what He deems best—
   Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
   Mingling toil with peace and rest.
2. Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
   With a special mercy for each hour;
   All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
   He Whose Name is Counselor and Pow’r.
   The protection of His child and treasure
   Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
   “As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
   This the pledge to me He made.
3. (Sometimes we need a new mercy each hour! I am so thankful that my Lord will give me the strength I need to make it through each day. No more, no less, but exactly what we need.)
4. Help me then in every tribulation
   So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
   That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
   Offered me within Thy holy Word.
   Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
   E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
   One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
   Till I reach the promised land.

"Trust and Obey"

"Trust and obey

For there's no other way

To be happy in Jesus

But to trust and obey."

"What's Your Secret?"

*Warning: This is a confession post. I have no brilliant tips or strategies except the advice that I need to be following myself.

"Losing the baby weight." My goodness, I had no idea what an obsession that was until I started gaining my own! Surf the web and you will find page after page of diets, exercises, and other contraptions to help you on your journey to get your "pre-pregnancy body" back. There are even photo galleries for mommies to show off their post-baby-bellies online!

Because several of my friends have also recently had babies, I've had the privilege of hearing all about the wonderful and creative ways they have found to get back in shape. I took notes as one friend shared what she is learning about healthy foods and how to make reasonable diet/lifestyle changes that will get her whole family on the road to excellent health; I've been inspired by a friend who trained for (and completed) a triathlon (talk about hard core!); and was delighted to hear about a friend who took up ballet again after several years away from the art. The creativity, research, discipline, motivation and extra effort that this takes is tremendous, and I just think it is so awesome to hear about everything people are doing for the sake of their health.

That's why I cringe whenever anyone asks me what I've been doing.

I lost all of my pregnancy weight within the first 10 weeks of my daughter's life. A year later, I weigh what I did back in high school. I grimace whenever anyone asks me what my secret is, because, honestly, I'm ashamed of my answer. I want to keep it a secret. I say this because I haven't really been doing anything.

Chocolate? What chocolate?

While my other friends are making smart choices, working towards a goal, and intentionally seeking things that will promote their health, I have not. What's my secret? My secret is a tiny, colicky task master who wouldn't let me sleep, eat, or stop moving for almost 12 months. There is nothing healthy about exhaustion. My diet was "grab whatever little bits you can while she's quiet." There were no meals, there was very little cooking, and grocery shopping usually ended abruptly due to a screeching infant, so my diet was mainly pre-packaged, non-perishable items, aka "junk food." Thankfully, I was never able to eat more than a few nibbles here or there, so at least my intake was limited.

My exercise plan was pretty similar. I think I have only intentionally "worked out" three times since my daughter was born. However, every day (and most of the night during the early months!) was spent carrying around a baby who was rapidly increasing in size and weight, dancing around and bouncing her up and down, in the only repetitive motions that seemed to soothe her. Add to that the fact that she loves the stroller (for a while it was the only place she would sleep other than my arms), and you end up walking EVERYWHERE! It's pretty typical for us to walk several miles in the course of an afternoon. I should get a pedometer... Did I mention that she starts to cry if you move too slowly? 

Our trusty Phil&Ted's jogging stroller that has traveled
 countless miles through rain, wind and snow, soothing a fussy baby!

Yes, I lost a lot of weight, and I lost it FAST, but it only came as a side-effect of exhaustion and mal-nourishment. I'm probably one of the least healthy mommies I know. 

I was thinking about that, and realizing that everything I said about my physical diet could be said of my spiritual diet, as well. Just like cooking and meals, I almost never had the time to sit quietly with my Bible, reading, studying, and praying. I would try to "grab whatever bits I could" by listening to the audio Bible on biblegateway.com, putting verses around the house, singing hymns I had memorized, and reading Bible stories to my baby, but I filled my time with a lot of "junk food," too. Watching TV while rocking a fussy infant seems appealing, but it's never as satisfying as you want it to be. I spend way too much time watching hulu and stalking friends on facebook, and not enough time making a conscious effort to consume healthy, worthwhile things. 

The weight loss that comes from physical starvation can be viewed as a pleasant side-effect if you're hoping to shed some pounds, but spiritual starvation only leaves you scrawny, weak, and hungry. Physically, you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me that I was unhealthy. On the outside I appear fit and active, but on the inside I'm missing all kinds of nutrients. I think spiritual starvation is more readily apparent. I can put on a good face for a while, but I just can't seem to grow those "fruits of the spirit" like I want to:

• Love? It feels like everything I do these days is out of a selfish motivation. 
• Joy and Peace? I'm constantly grumbling or upset about little things that have gone wrong, or expectations that have not been met (nevermind how many expectations I've failed to meet for others!).
•  Patience? I've lost count of how many times I've snapped at someone or lost my temper this week, and it's only Tuesday! 
• Kindness, Goodness, and Gentleness? If you're selfish, short-tempered and grumbling, there's not a lot of room for those things in your heart! 
• Faithfulness? Don't get me started on how many promises have been broken, how many commitments have fallen through, how many emails remain unanswered, projects unfinished, housework undone, the list goes on...
• Self-Control? Please, make it stop!

This cannot go on. I'm miserable, and my family is suffering, too.


My precious daughter has mellowed out quite a bit now that she's almost 15 months, toddling around, and able to use baby sign-language to communicate some of her basic wants and needs. She's still perhaps a little more "high needs" than other babies her age, but all in all, she is worlds better than she was! We're finally coming out of "survival mode" and beginning to figure out ways to help our household run smoothly. 

Feeding my family (myself included), physically and spiritually, is at the top of my list. For now, we're just taking baby steps (no pun intended... I think) like buying more fresh produce (I'm so very thankful for our neighborhood farmer's market!), keeping track of what everyone has eaten that day (how much has been protein, fruits, vegetables, junk food, etc), praying before meals, and reading a bible story together every morning. God also sent me a hidden blessing by crashing my computer's hard-drive, so there has been a significant decrease in the amount of time I have managed to waste online ("Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways." Psalm 119:37)! I can only pray that these small changes will quickly become easy habits, and we can begin to add more and more. 

I think I'll hold off on those marathon aspirations for now, "but the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day..." (Proverbs 4:18)

This little board book of the parable of the lost sheep is one of her favorites.
 I think it has something to do with the "baa!" sounds mommy makes...

A Work In Progress

***This is the first post in a series on lessons I'm learning through motherhood. The posts will probably be very spaced out (I don't have a great track record on regular posting), and there might be other posts in-between, but every once-in-a-while I hope to put up another post on the topic! Look for the tag "Work In Progress"

A few weeks ago, as I was wearily pushing the stroller at a brisk pace in frigid weather, bracing myself against the brutal Chicago wind, wishing I had remembered my hat and scarf, all in a desperate attempt to help my sleep-deprived little one get some kind of nap (she has always slept better in the stroller, but wakes up as soon as I stop moving or go inside), I began to reflect on all the things I've learned since becoming a mother. (phew! How's that for a run-on sentence?)

As my sweet daughter continued to sleep, I had ample time to tabulate a surprisingly long list. I believe I've grown more in the last 10 months than any other "stage" of my life. I would also have to say that these first 10 months of motherhood have easily been the hardest of any stage thus far.

And that was when I started to wonder why I always seemed to grow more in times of trial than I ever did in success. Honestly, my first thought was "How come God can teach other moms the same lessons and still give them babies who sleep through the night?!" My initial response was something along the lines of "Wow, I must be a really slow learner if God had to resort to such extreme methods! Maybe I should be praying for a more teachable spirit!"

But then I remembered how often God does exactly what I ask, but in a way that is terribly different from what I had in mind. For instance, I once asked for an extension on a midterm project and a break from responsibilities for about a week, never actually believing it would happen. But the next day I contracted shingles and wound up with a doctor's note for--guess what?--A week off of school (and yes, I got that extension, too)! Then there's all those times I've prayed for a humble spirit, only to turn around and get utterly humiliated. Yeah, sickness and public disgrace are certainly not what I had in mind, but you know what? I got exactly what I asked for. God's methods are always effective. Be careful what you pray for!

I have long believed that people are more willing to learn in difficult situations. Think about the classes you took in school: Which ones drove you to study harder and seek help? Easy classes are easy because we know most of the material already (or we think we do, at least). We study more in those difficult classes because we realize how much we have to learn. It's the same in life: When things are going smoothly, it's easy to believe that we have all the answers. But when things go wrong, we realize how much we need help. People are the most receptive when they are the most desperate. God sends trials our way not because He's a vindictive god who delights in watching His creation squirm, but because He cares about our character and education, and wants to make sure we learn His lessons well.

Well, that answers my first question ("why I always seemed to grow more in times of trial than I ever did in success"), but not my second ("How come God can teach other moms the same lessons and still give them babies who sleep through the night?"). I think I was heading east on Superior, into the wind, when I realized "We all learn essentially the same lessons, but in different times and different ways." Any good teacher will tell you that one method does not fit all. You have to tailor your approach based on factors like age, ability, classroom dynamic, learning styles, resources available, number of students, timeframe, and many, many others. One of the baby books I reference frequently ("What to Expect the First Year) repeats this adage in every chapter: "All babies are different." Well, all people are different, too, and I am so very thankful that our God knows and loves each one of us individually. Who better to tailor our curriculum than the One who made us, and took great care in every detail (Psalm 139)? I don't know what lessons those other moms need to learn, and I don't know what and how He has already taught them. I'm glad I don't have to. It is enough for me to trust that God is teaching them and teaching me. My job is only to learn. (Psalm 131)

As I was reflecting on these things before writing this post, I wondered if sometimes God uses difficult methods to test how willing we are to learn. It's easy to ask for humility, but you have to really want it if you're going to stare humiliation in the face and accept it as an opportunity to grow! I am fond of saying "it's not our circumstances that change us, it's how we respond to them." If you don't want to learn, you probably won't. But that doesn't mean God won't continue to teach you.

I want to throw in a disclaimer here: I'm not saying that the only reason we experience hardship is because God has something to teach us. He has many purposes for trials, and I never want to give the impression that all you have to do is "learn your lesson" and the hard times will stop! In fact, that is rarely the case. What I am saying is, no matter what your situation, God can always teach you something. Romans 8:28 is an often misinterpreted passage that reads "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." A lot of people assume that the "good" refers to things in this life, but if you keep reading, you discover what "His purpose" is: "...to become conformed to the image of His Son." (Romans 8:29) That verse doesn't mean God will make sure everything turns out all right in the end. It really means that our infinitely wise and creative God can use anything as an opportunity to help us grow to become more like Jesus Christ.

I guess I'll just continue to pray for a teachable spirit, even though I know that probably means I'll continue to learn my lessons "the hard way."

I'd like to share some excerpts from two of my favorite hymns. I have sung these to my baby girl every day since she was born, but I know I need these words far more than she does at this point. Both hymns were written by Karolina Sandell-Berg (a Swede!) and translated to English by Andrew L. Skoog.

Children of the Heavenly Father (verse 5)

"Tough He giveth and He taketh

God His children ne'er forsaketh.

His the loving purpose solely

To preserve them, pure and holy."

Day by Day (portions of verses 1 and 3)

"He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,

Gives unto each day what He deems best...

"Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,

E'er to take, as from a Father's hand,

Willingly, the days, the moments fleeting,

Till I reach the promised land."

Ode to my crazy baby girl

Warning: You are about to read my feeble attempt at poetry. Continue at your own risk!

Add some cutesy illustrations of baby animals and you've got a children's book! ;)

I love you when you're happy,

I love you when you're sad.

I love you when you scream,

Even though it drives me mad.

I love you when you're wet,

I love you when you're dry.

I love it when you laugh,

I still love you when you cry.

I love you when you puke on my dress,

I love you when you pee on the floor.

Even though you make a mess,

I couldn't love you more.

I love you whether rain or shine,

I love you when it doesn't rhyme.

I love you, Baby, all the time.

I love you, just because you're mine.

Love is...

I've been thinking about this for a long time, but I have been really hesitant to write this post, because I am so afraid it will come out sounding preachy and self-righteous. I DONOT want that! In fact, this post is partly for me to come forward and communicate just how lost and helpless I have felt in the last several months.

Before we were married, my husband and I took a marriage-prep class at our church. I heard one of the pastors define love as "zealously guarding the happiness of another." I had never heard it put that way, and I liked it. After mulling it over, I made a few tweaks of my own and came up with something slightly more complicated, but I felt it rounded out the concept in my mind a bit more: "Zealously guarding the well-being of another at one's own expense." I like that definition, I feel like it covers many different aspects. I shared it with my father tonight, and he gave me his simplified version: "putting others ahead of yourself." I love my Dad's way with words. Somehow, he always manages to communicate thoughtfully and efficiently.

I also remember the "blessing" he gave to my husband and me at our wedding. He quoted a Clint Black song called "Something That We Do." The lyrics continually return to the title message that "love isn't something that we find ... [it] isn't something that we have ... [it's] not just something that we're in ... Love isn't just those words we said ... [it] isn't someplace that we fall, it's something that we do."

I have heard many people say that marriage is refining. Sixteen months in, I can wholeheartedly agree! I have learned so much about how selfish and impatient I tend to be, and I have had so many opportunities to practice "putting others ahead of myself." I am fond of saying "it hasn't all been easy, but it's all been good." It's not always pleasant, but I am so thankful to be slowly learning how to love.

Then I had a baby.

Yikes.

I won't mince words, that first month was torture. Our poor baby was (and still is) terrifically fussy. She cried so much in her first few days that even the nurses were astonished. She was only 2 days old when she lost her voice from all the screaming. It was horrible, but it was to become a regular occurrence: she lost her voice about once a week until about a month ago when it went away and never came back. Our poor baby has been hoarse for a month, but that's another story. If she was awake, she was crying. She wouldn't sleep unless we were holding her, and even then she needed to be rocked and nursed.

Now, I want to reassure you that this is exceptional behavior, not the norm. Approximately 20% of babies fit into this "extremely fussy" category, and our little one's condition was exacerbated by undiagnosed acid reflux which was causing her pain. Please don't let this scare you away from babies, they really are lovely!

In addition to the fussy baby, I was recovering from a C-section and was weak, sore and had a difficult time getting around. It was a good two weeks before I was able to manage anything more than shuffling around the apartment. Usually after major abdominal surgery you are told to rest and take it easy, but I had an infant who needed to be cared for and comforted constantly. She didn't know I was supposed to be resting. I was also experiencing extreme pain while nursing (another story, the details of which I will spare you. Suffice it to say that this too is abnormal), and this made me dread the task of feeding my baby--the one thing which seemed to calm her down!

Add to all this the fact that my husband is in his medical residency and was on overnight calls at the hospital every few days and was absent most of the time, and exhausted when he was home.

The first two months were a nightmarish ordeal. I was in excruciating pain, utterly exhausted, emotionally drained, and very alone. My only company during those long days and even longer nights was this tiny, needy creature who just. Wouldn't. Stop. Crying! I have never felt more helpless, more defeated than I did then.

I often find myself candidly telling people about this, describing my frustration with a child who refused to be comforted, the infuriation of a baby who screams when there doesn't seem to be anything wrong. I decide to be honest and tell them how many times I wanted to shake her and yell at her to shut up (which I never did), and I am met by shocked and horrified stares.

"How could you say such a thing?!" they ask.

"Don't you love your baby?!?!"

Yes.

Yes I love her.

I love her dearly.

I love her so much I would do anything for her.

I love her so much that I DIDN'T shake her.

I love her so much that I bounced her around the apartment, even though I could barely stand.

I love her so much that I nursed her every time she was hungry, even though the pain was so great that it often caused me to weep.

I love her so much that I held her through the night, watching the moon make it's lonely way across the night sky, just so that she could sleep, even though it meant no rest for me.

I love her so much that I gave her absolutely everything I possibly had to give. I poured out my life and my soul and my strength day after day, even though I got nothing in return except more fussing.

If love is warm fuzzy feelings about someone, then no. No, I didn't love my baby during those first two months.

But if love is "zealously guarding the well-being of another at your own expense," or more concisely, "putting others ahead of yourself," then yes I do love her.

I love her more than I will ever be able to express.

And yet I still lose my patience, I still get frustrated, I am still terribly selfish. Every day I get a little taste of just how much more I have to learn, how very imperfect I am. And every day I become more thankful that there is Someone who loves me in spite of all of that. Someone who loved me enough to take all the consequences of my shortcomings upon Himself. Someone who loved me enough to die for me. To learn more about this, ask me, or click here.

Crying in the Carseat

So, our daughter HATES the carseat. I mean HATES. IT. With every fiber of her tiny little being.

I know, I know, "But most babies love the carseat!"

Not mine.

She screams bloody murder the whole time. We're talking the kind of ear-buzzing screams where you can hear her throat tearing to shreds. She screams until she chokes herself, which only makes her more upset. I have seen a fair number of tantrums and crying babies in my life, and have never seen anything like this.

The craziest part is the way she stares at you while she's throwing these fits. It kind of proves to me that there's really nothing wrong, she's just mad. I will often sit in the back seat next to her in a futile attempt to calm her. The only response I get for my efforts is a tearful, accusing glare. I can almost understand the message behind her shrieks:

"How can you just sit there?!?! Can't you hear me?!?! You have the power to free me from this torture and you sit idly by doing nothing!!! How can you say you love me, how can you say you have compassion on me and yet leave me here to suffer?!?!"

I can only respond to these questions as any responsible, loving parent would:

"Oh, child, if only you knew why you were here. You can't understand it yet, but this is the safest and best place for you to be right now. If I were to give you what you wanted, there is no telling what heartbreak would come. I do this because I love you, because I want the best for you, and because I couldn't bear to see you hurt. You are my treasure, and I have pledged to protect you with my life. If you would only trust me, everything will be all right."

It was during one of these "moments" with my daughter that I realized how very similar we are. How often do I react to prolonged hardships in my life by crying out to God:

"How can you just sit there?!?! Can't you hear me?!?! You have the power to free me from this torture and you sit idly by, doing nothing!!! How can you say you love me, how can you say you have compassion on me and leave me here to suffer?!?!"

And my Heavenly Father, as THE responsible, loving Parent always responds:

"Oh, child, if only you knew why you were here. You can't understand it yet, but this is the safest and best place for you to be right now. If I were to give you what you wanted, there is no telling what heartbreak would come. I do this because I love you, because I want the best for you, and because I couldn't bear to see you hurt. You are my treasure, and I have pledged to protect you with my life. If you would only trust me, everything will be all right."

"Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' ... for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things." Matthew 6:31-32 (emphasis added)

"Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:9-11

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow." James 1:17

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

"For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Our heavenly Father knows what we need and always has our best interests in mind. We can be certain of that! When we find ourselves frustrated or angry at our circumstances, the reason can be boiled down to our refusal to believe that a perfectly loving, all-powerful God is in control of the world and of our lives. In the words of theologian Addison Leitch: "All our problems are theological ones." When we understand God's character, we can be confident that His will for our lives is better than ours, and allow it to be carried out, even if it doesn't make sense to us in our limited perspective.

"Trust and obey, for there's no other way

To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."

-John H. Sammis

A precious and exceedingly RARE moment of peace, the day we brought our tiny girl home from the hospital!